Conceivable
by LoisAndClarkSuperfan
Summary: When Olivia Benson decides to have the baby she's always wanted, she doesn't expect the effect her decision will have on not only her life, but the lives of so many others. Takes place in season 16 with references to Season 9: Episode 14 Inconceivable.
1. Chapter 1

**So...I think is the shortest time I have ever taken between fanfics! This storyline has been floating around in my brain for a while, so I just went with it. I hope you enjoy it. I'm not sure how long this will be, but I'm guessing it will be one of my longer stories. So for those who were sad Lost and Found ended at 25 chapters, you are in luck this time. Those who hated Changes being 100 chapters...well you may want to stay away from this one. Either way, I hope people like this.**

**If you hate it, blame my friend CCL13 who encouraged me to write this because she really wanted to read it. (just kidding, you can blame me)**

**Disclaimer: I am not a doctor...so my medical research comes from Google. Sorry if it is inaccurate.**

** Also, I do not own Law & Order SVU or any of its characters.**

**_December 17, 2014 4:30 PM_**

Sitting at her desk, watching the words on the screen blur into nothing more than a dark blob, Olivia Benson rubbed her temples and took a deep breath, trying to ease the persistent nausea she'd been fighting for the last few hours. She couldn't remember that last time she'd felt so off…so sick…so tired, and even though the medication she'd been taking for weeks had caused similar side effects, this was so much worse. She closed her eyes, hoping the small gesture would provoke huge results, but the attempt was unsuccessful. The doctor told her the odds of getting through this without feeling like hell were slim, but she'd held onto the hope the past several weeks, feeling her chance was promising when the medication effects were simple enough to manage. She'd been to the doctor's office every other day for over a week, and each time the lab tech. taking her blood made small talk by asking the same question, "Are you feeling okay?" and she'd answered that she was fine…it was nothing she couldn't handle. She'd believed it until today. Today, she wasn't sure she was fine, and she was afraid she couldn't handle this.

The phone rang, pulling her away from the focus on her misery and she picked it up, "Benson…" she said, hearing her voice quiver as she swallowed the lump she hadn't realized had formed in the back of her throat. She listened to the caller on the other end of the line, her heart sinking with realization that the case was going to be a tough one. All the cases were hard, but some were more difficult than others, and maybe she was just overly emotional lately, but hearing this story was making her tear up. "I'll get someone over there as soon as possible," she said, clearing her throat. Then she hung up the phone and headed out to the squad room, praying she'd start feeling better before going out on this case. The last thing this victim needed was a cop who couldn't focus on her needs because she was trying not to throw up.

"Hey…" she said, grabbing the attention of the detectives under her command. "We have a case. Nine year old girl…raped after school this afternoon. She told her grandmother about it when she got home, and she took her to the hospital. We need to get over there."

"Oh no," Amanda Rollins stood from her desk, grabbing her jacket, "I'll go…"

Olivia nodded, "I want to go too," she looked at Fin who had grabbed his keys, planning to join his partner. "Rollins and I will go. She's in Queens…we'll be gone a while."

"Queens?" Amanda asked. "Why are they throwing the case our way? Shouldn't Queens SVU be handling this?"

"Normally, yes," Olivia answered. "But the girl is claiming the rape happened at her school, behind the dumpsters. She goes to school here in our jurisdiction," she scribbled down the name of the Manhattan private school on a piece of paper and handed it to Fin, "Get a team out there…look for anything that can help us catch this guy."

"I'm on it," Fin said, rushing out of the room.

Three hours later, Amanda and Olivia emerged from nine-year old Tatum Granbury's hospital room. The little girl was bright and eager, in spite of what had happened to her, but she had been unable to give them more than a few details of her attack. Her grandmother had been even less willing to talk, but Olivia assumed it was because she was in shock. She thought about her own child, and she couldn't imagine him going through something so traumatic. "I need to get home," she said, looking at her phone and reading a text from her sitter. "Noah's already in bed." She shook her head, "I hate nights when I don't get to tuck him in."

"I bet," Amanda said with a smile. "He's a lucky kid though. He knows you love him and you're busy with work."

"He's barely a year old," Olivia reminded her. "All he knows is his mommy isn't always home when she should be." She sighed, thinking about how things were probably going to get worse now that she was about to turn their lives upside down. Poor Noah, she wished she had thought more seriously about how all of this would affect him. She only wanted the best for him, and now she wasn't sure he'd get it. "I need to go…"

"Yeah, me too," Amanda said. "I'll drop you off at home and then go back and update the case file…see if Fin found anything out at the school…you want me to call you later with the details or wait until morning?"

"Call me," Olivia said with a sigh. "We have to find this guy."

"It can wait until morning," Amanda reminded her. "You don't look so good today…maybe you need some sleep."

"I don't feel so great today," Olivia reluctantly admitted. "But it's nothing I can't handle," she insisted, even though in her heart it felt like a lie.

Olivia turned her key in the lock, pushing open the door and finding the babysitter watching TV with the volume muted while Noah slept soundly in his crib, "I'm sorry Lucy," she said in a whisper. "I never meant to be this late."

"It's okay," she smiled, grabbing her bag and moving toward the door. "He was good today. He ate all of his lunch and dinner…went to sleep right on time…I didn't give him a bath because you were late and I thought you might want to do it in the morning."

"Thanks," Olivia nodded. "I appreciate that." She locked the door and walked over to Noah's crib, watching the little boy sleep, his chest rising and falling beneath the blue and white pattern of his plush sleeper. "I love you…" she whispered, kissing him softly on the cheek. Then she walked into the bathroom, pulled down her slacks and grabbed an alcohol swab from the medicine cabinet, looking in the mirror and cleaning her usual injection site. Then she grabbed the syringe, filling it with the medication, something that had become her new nightly routine, and injected it into her backside, cringing at the familiar sting. "Just a couple more weeks," she said to herself and she cleaned up the trash and carefully threw away the needle and vials in a plastic container so Noah wouldn't get access to them. She put her hand softly on her stomach, "You okay in there?" she asked with a slight chuckle. "I love you too little one…you and your big brother are everything to me."

She leaned back on the couch, not wanting to go to bed in case Amanda called with information about the case, but she was tired. She knew she should eat something, but she still felt sick and couldn't stomach the thought of food. She let her hands rest on her stomach, wondering how long it would be before she'd have to let everyone in on her secret. Having a baby was supposed to be a good thing, and maybe if she were ten years younger, or in a relationship, or hadn't just started proceedings to adopt her son this pregnancy would be met with the usual joy and excitement as well. Instead, she fully expected her friends to stare at her in disbelief, to pity her for getting into the mess…and the sad thing was that she'd done this on purpose. She'd spent a small fortune on the fertility treatments and the IVF procedure, and now she was questioning everything about her decision. Maybe it was because in her heart, she never believed it would really work…or maybe it was that she felt guilty for doing this now. Either way, this baby was about to throw a wrench into her life that she wasn't sure how to face, no matter how deeply she loved her child.

**_Three Months Earlier…_**

"Benson," she answered her phone, as she quickly filed her latest report, relieved that the case had come to a close. She'd been worried they'd never find the rapist, and when they finally did the amount of pressure that was lifted from her had been a tremendous relief. She could breathe again, and that was a good feeling.

"Yes, Ms. Benson," the caller's voice was unfamiliar, "I'm calling from Hudson Cryobank…"

She sighed, "Yes…of course, is it time for me to pay my storage fees again?" she glanced at the calendar and realized there was no way they were calling about her bill. She'd had embryos stored there for over six years, and once a year she paid their storage fee. Whenever it was time, they'd call and ask if she wanted to keep them in storage or donate them or possibly use them, and each year she'd cough up the money to keep them frozen a while longer. She wasn't sure why she bothered anymore, except that she didn't have the heart to give them up. She could donate them to an infertile couple, or to science, but she wouldn't do that. She had no intention of using them now, and still she paid the fees every year to keep them…just in case.

"No ma'am…" the woman's voice was solemn. "I have some bad news. Our facility will be closing in six months, and we are trying to give all of our clients a heads up."

"Closing?" Olivia asked. "Why?"

"We are consolidating with another clinic, but the storage facility at the new clinic will not have room for all of our tanks. We're calling some of our clients who've had embryos in storage for a while, and asking you to consider your options."

"Options?" she asked. "What options?"

"Well, we can try to find another facility to store your embryos," the woman suggested, "But the cost would be extensive. Or we could donate them…"

"I don't want to do that," Olivia heard herself say without thinking. "How much would it cost to store them somewhere else?"

"I can mail you a price list, ma'am…" the woman offered. "Or you can choose to use them at this time."

Olivia gave a nervous laugh, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"If you don't mind me asking, are you planning on using the embryos?" the woman asked sincerely. "They've been stored for quite some time…six years…"

"I know," Olivia sighed. "I planned to use them…but now…I'm probably too old…"

"You do know that a woman's age doesn't affect the chance of conception if the embryos are frozen when she was younger?" the caller asked. "You were barely forty when the embryos were frozen…there is a good chance they would lead to a viable pregnancy now."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat, "I'll donate them…" she said. "To science…" she couldn't bear the thought of another couple having her baby, no matter how selfish it seemed.

"Okay," the woman said gently. "We'll need you to come in and sign some paperwork so we can donate them…and of course we'll refund the remainder of your storage fees for this year."

"Thanks," Olivia sighed as she hung up the phone. Then she put her head in her hands and cried.

That night she walked into her apartment, smiling as her son reached for her from his highchair, "Hey little man," she whispered. "Mommy missed you today."

"He missed you," Lucy said as she packed up her things and headed toward the door.

"Thanks Lucy," Olivia waved as the young woman walked out the door. Then she picked up her son and carried him into the bathroom where she ran warm bath water for him and sat him in the tub. She watched him laugh and play, and her blouse was drenched with water as he splashed at her. "You're a silly boy," she teased, leaning forward and washing him gently. Then she picked him up, drying him off and dressing him in his pajamas, and the baby was practically asleep before she put him down in his crib. She stood and watched him sleep, "I can't imagine ever loving someone as much as I love you, Noah…" she whispered.

The next day she walked into Hudson Cryobank, prepared to sign the embryos over to scientific research. She spoke with the secretary, who referred her to the doctor who would explain how the embryos would be used in research. She sat in the room, looking at the baby pictures that adorned the walls and thought back to the day she'd decided freezing embryos was her only chance at becoming a mother. She'd been working a case at Hudson Cryobank, a tank of embryos had been stolen and she'd been determined to find it before the embryos lost viability…but she'd been too late. The case had been hard, thinking about all the women who would never have the children they longed for because she'd failed to find their embryos on time, but Elliot was sure the real reason she was so upset was that she had been questioning her own chance of motherhood. For the first time, he'd asked her about it…suggested she think about having a baby of her own, and she'd shut him down immediately, begging him not to say anymore. Later she confessed to him that she'd applied for adoption, but had been turned down, and he seemed as crushed as she was. It was a few days later that he'd come to her, after another similarly painful case, and offered to donate sperm if she wanted a baby of her own.

She'd thought he was joking, or out of his mind…something, but he insisted he was serious. She asked him to think about what he was saying…what his wife would think…what their child would think someday, but he insisted he would only be a donor, that he didn't want to be a father again and the baby would be hers and hers alone. He said Kathy didn't mind, because she'd felt indebted to Olivia since Eli's traumatic birth and wanted her to be happy, and while Olivia wasn't sure she fully believed that, the idea of having her own child made her heart melt. It wasn't the right time though, so after looking into the science behind it, she decided freezing embryos was her best option. Then she could use them when she was ready and Elliot agreed to help her. The only stipulation he had was that he wanted her to tell him when she was ready to use them…so he wouldn't be shocked to find out she was pregnant. So she agreed, and after a few months of harsh fertility treatments for her, and one easy donation from Elliot, the embryos were safely stored at the Cryobank.

"Ms. Benson," the doctor said, and Olivia stood to shake his hand. "It's nice to meet you."

She forced a smile, "What do I need to sign?" she asked.

He pulled out a file and went over everything with her. "We use embryos for several reasons, so we always appreciate donations." She gave a sad nod, reaching for the pen and the doctor looked seriously at her, "Are you sure you want to donate them?" he asked. "You've never tried an IVF procedure."

"I meant to," she explained. "I really did…but it was never the right time. My job is pretty demanding…and I have a baby now. I'm adopting the sweetest baby boy…the reason I did this in the first place was because I was turned down for adoption, but my son kind of fell into my lap and I love him so much…"

"That doesn't mean you don't want another baby, does it?" he asked knowingly. "A brother or sister for your son?"

She gave a weak smile, "I'm not getting any younger…I'm forty-six…I don't think…"

"We perform IVF on women up to fifty-two years of age if the embryo quality is good," he offered. "Just so you know." He looked through her file, "I see you used donor sperm…so this is completely up to you…no father to consider…"

She nodded, "I'm not sure I could do it now," she insisted. "And your facility is closing…"

"In six months," he reminded her. "So if you want to wait a while to decide…"

"I'm going to donate them," she said, picking up the pen and reading over the papers. Then she put the tip of the pen on the signature line, taking a deep breath as she felt unexpected tears clouding her eyes. "Uhm…"

"It's okay," the doctor said gently. "You don't have to."

"If I try the IVF…" she sniffled, "How long does that take?"

"It can be a long process…or it can take a couple of months," he said honestly. "We'd start you on progesterone shots to thicken the lining of your uterus. You'd need to come in for frequent checks, and when the hormone levels look good, we would transfer a few embryos and see if they implant."

"A few?" she asked.

He nodded, "Usually we do three…but we can do one or two. The more we transfer the greater chance of pregnancy. Even with three, we usually only get one baby."

She shook her head, "I would never do three…that seems too risky." She sighed, "What if it doesn't work?"

You have enough embryos for two cycles," he said, looking at her chart. "We could try again."

She shook her head, "I didn't even plan on this," she cried. "If I do this…I'm only doing it once. Either it works or not…the rest of the embryos can be donated to science."

He nodded, "Make an appointment with the receptionist…and we'll decide where to start."

The next couple of months were a blur and before she knew it, she was in the hospital and the doctor was transferring two healthy embryos into her. She had to keep up the injections until the eighth week of pregnancy, so a pregnancy test wasn't possible…and waiting two weeks for the blood test had been brutal. She knew she wasn't pregnant. Things didn't come that easily to her, and the odds were completely against it anyway. Yet on December 3rd she sat in the office and the doctor told her the test was positive. She was going to have a baby…and all she could think about was Elliot…his stipulation that she tell him before she used the embryos…and how she'd done this without saying a word. She didn't even know how to reach him now anyway. He'd left her and refused to talk to her…so he didn't deserve to know anyway. This was her baby…hers alone…and he was the one who'd said that in the first place.

**_December 17, 2014 11:45 PM_**

Her phone was buzzing and she could barely open her eyes. She finally forced them open and sat up on the couch, seeing Amanda's number and answering. "We need you at the hospital," her voice was urgent. "Nick's on his way over to your place to watch Noah."

"Why?" she asked, suddenly more awake than she'd been all day. "What's wrong?"

"Tatum Granbury's grandmother," Amanda explained. "She called…says she knows who attacked her granddaughter, but she only wants to talk to you."

"Okay," she sighed. "I'll head out as soon as Nick gets here."

The knock on the door was soft, and she opened it to see a tired Nick Amaro standing before her. "Thanks for coming," she said. "I know it's late."

"Whatever it takes," he said, walking over to the crib to peek at the baby. "He's out like a light."

"He should sleep all night," she said, buttoning her jacket and swallowing in an attempt to control her nausea. "I hope I won't be gone long."

"You doing okay?" he asked worried. "You haven't looked good for a while…"

"Gee thanks," she snickered. "I'm fine…"

"Really?" he said, staring at her pale face. "If you're sick…"

"I just have a bug," she insisted. "I'll be good as new in a day or so." She glanced at the baby, "If I'm not back in the morning, his cereal is in the cabinet above the fridge."

Amanda met her in the entryway of the hospital and filled her in on the way to the children's wing. The grandmother felt she knew the attacker and wanted to give specifics…but only to a commanding officer. Olivia opened the door to the little girl's room and smiled as she saw her sleeping soundly under the pink hospital blanket. "Mrs. Granbury," she whispered. "You wanted to see me."

"Yes," the woman motioned her into the hall and Olivia and Amanda followed. "Tonight, after you left…my granddaughter told me the man had red hair and a beard. I know this man."

"Ma'am…a lot of men have red hair and beards," Olivia said as calmly as she could. "I'm glad we have a better description…but why do you think you know him?"

"I've seen him," she insisted. "He stands outside the park across from where I work and watches the children…and I've seen him at the school. He is always there at recess time."

"Do you know his name?" Amanda asked. "Anything about him?"

The women shook her head, "No…but he wears a uniform…from a sanitation company. It's green and blue…Pure Earth Sanitation…"

"That's an environmentally friendly sanitation company in Manhattan," Amanda added, knowingly. "I've seen their trucks."

Olivia's eyes widened, "Okay…that's a big help." She turned toward Amanda, "Check out the sanitation company and all their employees."

Amanda nodded, "I'll see you at the station tomorrow...and I'll have the info," she promised as she walked toward the door.

"Mrs. Granbury," Olivia asked. "Is it okay for me to come back in the morning to talk to Tatum again? I want to see if there are any other details she can give me." The older woman nodded and Olivia smiled gently, "Thank you," she squeezed the woman's hand and headed down the hall. She pulled out her phone, checking on a text from Nick. He'd sent her a picture of Noah sleeping and she smiled at it. Then another woman rushed around the corner, bumping into her and sending her phone flying across the hall.

"I'm so sorry," the woman said as Olivia raised her head to look at her, the shock apparent on her face. "Olivia…" the woman said and Olivia took a deep breath.

"Kathy?" she asked. "What are you doing here?"

Kathy rushed to the other side of the hall, picking up Olivia's phone and handing it to her, "I'm sorry…I was in a hurry…"

"I wasn't watching," Olivia admitted, and she saw the panic on Kathy's face. She looked tired, her face pale and drawn and he long blonde hair had graying roots, and was pulled back into a greasy ponytail that looked like it hadn't been washed in days. "Are you okay?" Olivia asked.

Kathy shook her head, "I'm fine…it's Eli…he's been here almost a month, but he should be home by Christmas…we're hoping…"

"Oh God…Kathy, I'm sorry…what's wrong?" she asked nervously.

"He has leukemia," she said sadly. "This is his second time…the first time was three years ago…right after Elliot and I got divorced. They did chemo and he reacted well to it…went into remission…but now it's back and he's not responding as well this time."

"He had cancer three years ago?" Olivia asked. "You and Elliot are divorced?"

Kathy nodded, "After Elliot left the force, he moved to DC…took a job there…but then Eli got sick and he came back to help. We thought he was better, so he moved back a couple years ago…and now this…"

"Is Elliot here now?" Olivia asked.

"He's at the house…" she explained. "He took a leave of absence from work. We've been taking turns staying up here and then going home to rest."

"What are the treatment options for Eli?" Olivia asked. "Is he going to be okay?"

Kathy shrugged, tears filling her eyes, "A bone marrow transplant is the best option, but none of the kids match. The doctor tested them all the first time around, because with five kids the odds were good that we'd have a match…but they don't. Elliot and I don't match either, so they put his name on a list to match with an unrelated donor, but the odds for that are slim. The other option is cord blood…it doesn't have to be an exact match, as long as the markers are similar…so it's easier to find a match that way. The doctor said a half-sibling or a niece or nephew can match…so Maureen and her husband are going to try to have a baby and see what happens, but so far they haven't had any luck. The doctor says Maureen may have trouble conceiving because of an issue with her ovaries. They can fix it, but it'll take time."

"Oh my God," Olivia sighed, "Will he be okay until then?"

Kathy nodded, "I hope so. There's still the chance of being matched with donor cord blood from an unrelated donor too…but the doctor said he's not sick enough to qualify for that yet." She brushed away her tears, "I have to get back to him," she said.

"Okay," Olivia said sadly. "Is Elliot going to be here later?" she asked.

Kathy nodded, "He comes over around eight and I go home for a few hours." She forced a smile, "He'd like to see you…I'm sure. He always felt bad about the way things ended at SVU."

"Me too," Olivia admitted.

"Come back and see him," Kathy said. "He needs that…this has been hard on him." She pushed open the door and Olivia watched her disappear into Eli's room. She walked to the door, looking through the square window at the small boy in the bed, sleeping with tubes and monitors attached to him…and she couldn't stop her tears from falling.

_The doctor said a half-sibling or a niece or nephew can match…_ Kathy's words echoed in her brain. She put her hand to her stomach, and exhaled slowly. A half-sibling…

"I'm home," she said, tapping Nick on the shoulder and he sat up from the couch, startled.

"What time is it?" he asked with a yawn.

"Almost three," she said. "You wanna go home or sleep on my couch?"

He stood up, "I should get home." He walked to the door, turning to look at her, "Did things go okay at the hospital? You look upset…"

"We got some good info. I'm going back first thing in the morning," she said with a forced smile and waved him out the door. Then she grabbed her laptop and propped it on her knees, trying to find any information she could about childhood leukemia and cord-blood donation. If her baby could save Eli's life…she'd tell Elliot about the baby and face whatever wrath he felt toward her, but first, she had to make sure it was safe. No matter how much she wanted to save Eli, she couldn't put her own child at risk.

**More soon...if people seem to want it :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, it looks like people would like me to continue. :) I really appreciate all the positive feedback on this. I was unsure of how this story would go over, but I am so honored to have received almost 50 reviews on the first chapter. That is unheard of for me...so I am very excited by all the responses. Not that I write for the reviews...but they are certainly a perk and motivational!**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the first.**

**_December 18, 2014 7:45AM_**

The pounding on the door forced her awake, and Olivia sat up on the couch. She'd fallen asleep there after spending more than an hour looking up cord-blood donation on the internet and now she was feeling the effects from lack of sleep. "I'm coming…" she groaned, getting up from the couch and walking to the door, peeking out and seeing Lucy standing there. She turned the locks and pulled open the door, "I'm sorry…" she explained. "I didn't know it was so late."

"You okay?" Lucy asked, walking in and sitting her bag by the door. "You look exhausted."

"I am," Olivia sighed, sitting down while Lucy walked over to Noah's crib. The baby was sitting up, playing happily and Olivia shook her head, "I can't believe he didn't wake me up. I can't remember the last time he woke up and just played by himself without crying."

"He seems pretty content," Lucy laughed, picking him up and laying him down to change his diaper. "You want to give him his bath, or do you need to leave?"

Olivia glanced at the clock, "I'm supposed to be in Queens to talk to a victim," she sighed. "But I didn't get home last night until three…" she yawned, standing to her feet. "I'm gonna jump in the shower. Go ahead and feed Noah and then you can give him his bath. I swear, I'll get home early enough tonight to feed him dinner…no matter what."

"Okay," Lucy said, picking up the baby and sitting him in his high chair.

Olivia walked to her bedroom and looked through her closet for something to wear. She'd put on a little weight, but everything still fit well enough for now. The doctor had explained right from the beginning that the medication would make her look pregnant sooner than normal, and she felt lucky that it hadn't happened yet. The five pounds she'd put on were actually from before the embryo transfer, so she couldn't blame it on the baby anyway. Every day she pulled out an outfit and dreaded the possibility that the slacks wouldn't button, but so far her fears had gone unfounded. Thinking about the chance she'd see Elliot today, for the first time in years, made her stomach hurt and she went through every single thing in her closet before deciding on simple black slacks and an emerald print blouse that hung loose, just in case. She didn't need him noticing her weight-gain before she had the chance to explain about the baby.

She walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower and letting the steam rise. Then she pulled off her clothes from the day before and climbed in, gently lathering the soap and enjoying the small moment of peace. A few minutes later she emerged from the shower, drying off and wrapping her hair in a towel, and grabbed her toothbrush from the sink, squeezing out the blue minty paste and sticking it in her mouth.

Her mind was wandering, trying to think of the right thing to say when she saw Elliot, and before she knew what hit her she was gagging, fighting the urge to throw up in the sink. "Nooo…" she said to herself. "I'm not sick…" She may have felt terrible for days, but she hadn't thrown up and she refused to start now. She quickly rinsed her mouth with water, and sat on the toilet lid, lowering her head into her hands and trying to breathe through the nausea. "I'm not sick…" she said again, her hand on her stomach. "Please…not now…" She had too much to do to deal with her first real bout of morning sickness.

A few minutes later the feeling passed and she raised her head, realizing she wouldn't be able to fight off the inevitable much longer. "Mommy can't be sick today, kiddo," she said, rubbing her hand over her stomach. "Help me out here…" Then she finished getting dressed, cringing a little when she realized her pants were tighter than she remembered. "Damn," she sighed, knowing she didn't have time to change and realizing she was going to be uncomfortable all day.

She walked into the living room, picking up her bag and then walking over to Noah's high chair to kiss him good-bye. One whiff of his lumpy, gray cereal and her stomach jolted. "You okay, Liv?" Lucy asked, "You look kind of green?"

"I'm okay," she gasped. "I have to go…" and she ran out to the hall and leaned against the wall, willing the feeling to pass once more.

She felt better by the time she walked into the hospital, so much better that she stopped at the gift shop for a granola bar because she was suddenly hungry and couldn't think of anything but eating. She tore open the wrapper and shoved it in her mouth, the clerk staring at her with a snicker. "I missed breakfast…" she said defensively as she crammed the remainder of the granola bar in her mouth. Then she looked around the shop, grabbing a small pink teddy bear for Tatum and a travel-sized checkers game for Eli. She didn't want to show up to either room empty-handed. She tossed them on the counter and while the clerk rang them up, she grabbed another granola bar and threw it on top. When she paid for the items, she grabbed the bag, pulling out the granola and eating it as she made her way down the hall to Tatum Granbury's room.

She pushed the door open, and smiled at the little girl, sitting up in bed watching cartoons. "Hi Tatum," she said gently. "Do you remember me? Sergeant Benson…Olivia…"

The little girl nodded and smiled, "Yeah," she said. "Did you find the bad man yet?"

Olivia shook her head sadly, "Not yet, but we will." She looked around the room, "Is your grandma here?"

Tatum pointed toward the small, attached bathroom, "Grandma…" she called and the woman emerged.

"Oh Sergeant…" she said quickly. "I'm glad you're back. Any news?"

"Not yet," Olivia told her. "But I have my best detectives on the case and they are looking into everything. Can I talk with Tatum a while?"

"Sure," the older woman said, and Olivia sat in the chair next to the little girl's bed while her grandmother watched from the doorway.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked the girl with a weak smile.

The girl shrugged, "I'm okay…my arm hurts…" she showed her the sling that was holding her left arm still. "But they let me watch TV whenever I want and Grandma says I can have ice cream later."

Olivia laughed, "Well, that sounds like fun." She pulled the small pink bear out of her bag and handed it to the girl, "I thought maybe you could use a friend up here."

The girl's eyes widened, "Thank you," she smiled. Then she looked at the bag, "What else do you have in there?"

Olivia laughed, "A present for a little boy down the hall. He's sick…" she swallowed the lump in her throat, "He has cancer."

"Oh…is it a boy in your family?" the girl asked sincerely.

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…I'm really sad about it."

An hour later Olivia emerged from the girl's room with little new information on the case. Amanda had texted her that they found the employee from Pure Earth with red hair and a beard and would be bringing him in shortly. She told her she was stuck in Queens, and Amanda had assured her that she and Fin could handle the interrogation and Nick would supervise, so Olivia felt less guilty about abandoning her police duties and going to see Elliot. She glanced at the time…almost noon…and wondered if he was even there. Kathy had said to come at eight, but her inability to wake up on time, followed by the time it took to get past her nausea and then the visit with Tatum had thrown off her plans.

She walked down the hall toward Eli's room, peeking through the small window and she could see the boy sitting up in bed. He was tiny, dressed in green dinosaur pajamas and his skin was ghostly pale. He was talking to someone, but she couldn't see who…until moments later when he walked over with a cup and put it to the boy's lips, coaxing him to drink it. She hadn't seen him in so long…had become accustomed to the fact that she'd never see him again…and she'd finally let herself be okay with that. Now she stood there…watching him care for his sick little boy as tears stung her eyes and her body seemed to shake with fear, and she whispered his name…"_Elliot_…"

She couldn't open the door. So she just stood there and stared and prayed he wouldn't notice her…

**_December 18, 2014 12:15PM_**

She wasn't sure how long she'd been standing there, but she was just about to leave when something happened and Elliot shifted from his spot at the foot of the bed, giving Eli a clear view of the door. She saw the boy stare at her and before she could duck they'd made eye contact and he was pointing toward the door, causing Elliot to turn and look. He saw her…his eyes locked with hers…and there was no way she could run away now.

He walked toward the door, and she tapped on it gently, as if she'd just arrived and hadn't spent God-only-knows how long invading their privacy by watching them from outside the door. He opened the door, and she immediately noticed his graying temples and the worn lines that surrounded his sad eyes, "Olivia…" he said in a near whisper. "Kathy said she saw you last night. I thought you were coming by earlier."

"I was…" she tried to explain, unable to find her voice now that she was face-to-face with him. "I had a case…" she tried to explain, but he motioned her in the room and she followed him in.

"Eli," Elliot said, sitting next to his son's bed. "This is Daddy's friend, Olivia. She used to be my partner when I was a detective. Remember me telling you about her?"

Eli nodded, "The lady who saw me get born?" he asked.

"Yeah," Elliot smiled, patting his son's shoulder. "That's her. She helped your mommy when it was time for you to be born."

Olivia walked over by the bed and tried to keep her emotions in check. "Your mom told me you aren't feeling very good," she said softly. "So I wanted to come see you." She sat on the edge of his bed, "Is it okay if I sit here?"

He nodded, "I'm bored…" then he looked at the TV and back at Olivia, "I want to go home. They don't have the good channels here."

"The good channels?" she asked. "What are the good channels?"

He shrugged, "The ones we have at home. I just want to go home."

"I bet you do," she said gently. She reached in her bag and pulled out the checkers game, sitting it on his bed tray. "I got you this…I thought it might help pass the time."

"Checkers!" he grinned and her heart melted at his toothless smile. "I play this at school when we have recess inside cause of the rain. I'm the best!"

"The best?" Olivia asked. "I don't know…I think I'm pretty good…"

"Can we play?" he asked and she nodded, watching as he set up the board, choosing the red pieces from himself, but they were only halfway through the game when he said he was too tired to finish.

"It's okay," she said, moving the game to the nightstand. "Why don't you rest, and I'll leave the game here for next time."

He nodded and leaned back on the bed, "Daddy?" he whispered and Elliot was at his side in seconds. "Are you gonna go to the cafeteria while I sleep?"

"I don't have to buddy," he said. "I can stay here if you want me to."

"You can go," he said, closing his eyes. "When you come back, can you bring me a treat?"

Elliot smiled gently, "Okay…do you feel like eating?"

"Just a soda," he sighed and before long he was asleep.

Elliot pulled the covers up under his son's chin and kissed him on the forehead. Then he turned to Olivia, "I always go eat lunch when he takes his afternoon nap. He likes it when I bring him things from the cafeteria…but most of the time he's too sick to eat."

"Poor guy," Olivia looked at the little boy sleeping soundly and then back at Elliot. "I haven't had lunch yet…" she sighed. "Maybe I can join you in the cafeteria? I'd like to talk."

"Sure," Elliot nodded. "I'd like to talk too."

**_December 18, 2014 1:30PM_**

The cafeteria wasn't very busy, but the line felt like it was taking forever. They looked at the variety of sandwiches and hot food items and Elliot quickly grabbed a tuna sandwich and potato chips, while Olivia stared at the food and tried to decide on something that sounded appetizing. "I'd recommend any of the cold sandwiches…the mashed potatoes aren't bad either…or the grilled cheese…" he said, noticing her indecisiveness. "I eat here enough…I should know."

"What about the pizza?" she asked, staring at the large slices dripping with sauce and melted cheese.

Elliot looked unsure, "Not sure how long that's been sitting on the warmer," he said. "I wouldn't risk it."

"Well I'm going to try it," she said, asking the worker behind the counter to give her two slices and then adding a small order of French fries on the side and grabbing a container of chocolate milk. They found a quiet table in the corner by the restrooms and Olivia opened her milk, taking a long drink, suddenly feeling self-conscious as Elliot stared at her. "What?" she asked, sitting the milk on the table and looking at him.

He smiled, "Pizza, fries, and chocolate milk? What…are you regressing back to your childhood or something?"

"I'm hungry…okay?" she sighed, looking down at her food, "I missed breakfast and lunch…"

He took a bite of his sandwich, "You can eat whatever you want," he said. "I was just making small talk."

"El…" she said, her voice quivering from nervousness, "I don't to make small talk. It's been years…"

"I know," he admitted, sitting his sandwich down and fidgeting with the potato chip package. "I'm sorry…"

"Why did you leave?" she asked. "Without saying anything?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. I didn't mean to…but it just happened…"

"When I ran into Kathy last night, she said you needed me," Olivia told him. "So I came…but it doesn't mean I'm over what happened."

"I know that," he sighed. "Liv…I should've told you I was quitting…I should've answered your calls…I was lost and I didn't know what to do. Then Kathy and I split and I moved to DC and there were so many nights I wanted to call and check on you…"

"But you didn't," she reminded him. Then she grabbed her pizza and took quick, eager bites.

"I didn't…because I was scared," he insisted. "I didn't know if you'd forgive me for abandoning our friendship. Then Eli got sick and I had to be focused on him…he got better and I went back to DC…days turned to months…then years…"

"If Eli wasn't sick again now…" Olivia sighed. "You'd still be in DC and we'd still be apart…"

"Liv…I'm sorry…that's all I can say," he took a sip of his soda, his eyes filling with tears, "I didn't want to hurt you, but that doesn't change the fact that I did. I know you need me to make things right…but my son is dying…and I can't focus on anything else right now."

"No…" she said sadly. "I don't want you to make things right. I just wanted to know why you left. And I know your focus has to be Eli…"

"He's so sick," Elliot sighed. "You have no idea how it feels to see your child suffer and feel so powerless."

Olivia swallowed the French fries she had in her mouth, "Kathy said he could get a bone marrow transplant if they can find a donor…or a cord-blood donation from a relative could save him…"

Elliot shook his head, "Liv…none of the kids match and the odds of finding an unrelated donor are slim. The cord-blood would work if Maureen and her husband could conceive, but they are having so many problems getting pregnant and I hate to put her under so much pressure. She's scared to death her brother will die and we'll all blame her…and I don't know how to ease those fears. I don't really think she's ready for a baby either…"

"I'm pregnant…" Olivia heard the words come out of her mouth and realized she'd never said it aloud before. She saw the shock on his face, and picked up her second slice of pizza giving it her full attention so she could avoid him.

"You are?" he said, the surprise apparent in his voice. "Well…congratulations…"

"Thanks," she gave a weak smile and finished her pizza. "I was looking up cord-blood donation last night…after I saw Kathy…and I don't think it would be dangerous for the baby if I…"

"Liv…you can't do that," Elliot said gently. "The odds of your baby matching Eli are close to nothing."

Olivia shook her head, "I read that cord-blood doesn't have to be an exact match."

"It doesn't…but it has to have some of the same markers," Elliot explained. "Besides…what does your husband think about all this…or your boyfriend…the baby's father?"

Her eyes widened and she shook her head, "El…I…" she had assumed he'd realize that at her age the only way she would end up pregnant is through IVF, but he seemed clueless. "I don't have a husband or boyfriend…" she sighed, "I used the embryos…"

His face paled with realization, "You did what?" he asked. "Oh my God…"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I know you asked me to, but this all happened really fast and I didn't know how to reach you anyway," she felt the tears falling down her face and quickly brushed them away. "I hadn't seen you in so long…I didn't think you'd care…"

"I didn't think you were ever going to use them," he admitted. "You didn't want to at first...but then it seemed like you were never going to use them...I didn't know you were still saving them..."

"I kept them at the Cryobank," she said. "In case the right time came along. I guess it did..."

"Your baby…it might match…" he gave a nervous smile. "Liv…there is a good chance the baby will match Eli…"

"I know," she sniffled. "That's why I had to come see you…"

"Oh my God…" he said again, rubbing his hand across his face and neck and looking her over from top to bottom, "How far along are you?"

"Six weeks," she answered.

"I don't know how to tell Kathy," his voice shook.

"She'll be happy, right?" Olivia asked, feeling worn out from the conversation.

He shook his head, "I don't know what she'll feel," he admitted. "I mean, she'll be glad there is a chance at a match for Eli…but…"

"But what?" Olivia asked.

"I wasn't exactly honest with you," he said shamefully. "I never asked her about me donating…I knew she'd say no…and I really wanted to give you the baby you wanted…"

"Oh no…" she groaned. "You lied…"

He nodded, "I only did it to help you…I swear…"

Olivia's head was pounding and she rubbed her temples, closing her eyes to keep the room from spinning around her. She wished she hadn't given in to the pizza cravings because her stomach was rolling and she didn't want to get sick now…in front of Elliot of all people…but no matter how many times she told herself she wasn't sick…her body was telling her otherwise.

"Liv?" he asked, noticing the change in her demeanor and when she didn't answer he stood up and went to her side of the table, putting his hand on her back. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine…" she insisted, trying to hold back the bile that had risen to the back of her throat.

"Are you sick?" he asked, kneeling next to her and lifting her head to look him in the eye. "It's okay…morning sickness…"

"It's not morning…" she sputtered. "And I'm not sick…" but her eyes were burning with tears and her body felt weak, and no matter how much she argued the fact, she couldn't deny it any longer. She jumped up and ran into the ladies room, kneeling in front of the toilet and emptying her stomach. Elliot pushed open the door, noticing it was a single restroom and walked inside, locking the door behind him. He knelt beside her, and she groaned, "Leave me alone…" before heaving once more.

He pulled her hair back from her face, and she threw up again wondering how there could be anything left in her stomach. "It's okay…" he whispered. "It's almost over…you're almost done..."She leaned back, sitting on the floor and leaning her head on the wall, and he sat next to her, wiping off the tear stains from her cheeks with a moist paper towel. "You're all right…"

"It smells in here," she gagged and he flushed the toilet and handed her a piece of toilet paper.

"Blow your nose…get the smell out…" and she did what he said, thinking he had more experience with this than she did anyway.

"I can't believe this…" she sighed, her hand resting on her stomach. "I hate being sick…"

"You haven't had any morning sickness before now?" he asked and she shrugged. "Six weeks…the magic number for all the pregnancy symptoms to kick in." He squeezed her shoulder and stood up from the floor, "I'm sorry you're sick…especially since it isn't even morning…" And his words made her laugh a little.

"I've been fighting this for days," she admitted. "I'm sorry you had to be here for it."

"I'm glad you weren't alone," he said sincerely, giving her his hand and pulling her up off the floor. "You think you're ready to go back out there?"

She nodded, "I don't think I'm ever eating pizza and chocolate milk again," she grimaced.

"I warned you about that pizza," he teased, putting his hand on her back to steady her and they walked back into the cafeteria. "Let me get Eli's soda and then we can go?"

She nodded, "I need to get back to work anyway…"

"Liv, you're sick…you need to rest," he insisted. "Think about the baby."

She shook her head, "The baby is fine…but I have a nine year old rape victim I need to get justice for."

"You should be on desk duty," he insisted. "Take care of yourself…take care of the baby…"

"It's none of your business," she sighed, heading toward the door and he ran after her.

"What do you mean it's none of my business?" he asked. "It's my baby too…"

"No," her eyes widened and she shook her head, "This is _my_ baby. We had an agreement…you know that."

"I know we did," he sighed. "I'm sorry…I just thought…well, things are different now…"

"Nothing is different," she argued. "I didn't come here to try to find a father for my kid…I came to tell you I want to help Eli…but this is my child, Elliot. Only mine." She sniffled, trying to hold back her tears. "I'm sorry…" Then she walked out the door.

**More to come...if people still want it...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello all! I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to update. I've been busy, but hopefully I can get some serious writing done over the Thanksgiving holiday and have much more to post in the upcoming week. I greatly appreciate all the reviews. Seems to be some healthy debate over cord-blood donation and the rights of sperm donors going on in the review section. It makes me smile that people care so much for these characters that they get so passionate over them. Trust me when I say that my intent for writing this was not to create controversy, but I do appreciate the varying thoughts and opinions of the readers so feel free to express your opinions respectfully. Anyway...thanks so much for the reviews and of course I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the previous ones. **

**_December 18, 2014 5:30PM_**

Elliot stood outside the precinct and questioned whether or not he should go in. It had been years since he'd been there, years since he'd walked out the door and never come back, and now he was here again and the situation wasn't any better. His son was sick…he was going to die…and Olivia held the only possible key to saving him. He had to make amends with her, because even though he knew she wouldn't let conflict between the two of them keep her from helping Eli, he didn't want her to be angry at him anymore. Too much time had passed between them and it was his fault, so it was his responsibility to fix things.

He pulled open the door and walked down the hall to the elevator, pushing the button and waiting for the doors to open. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, hoping the scene in the room wouldn't trigger memories of the last day he'd been there…the day he'd shot and killed a teenage girl who had shot and killed so many others in the squad room…the day that had ended his career. The bell dinged, and the doors opened, and he walked off the elevator and into the room as if nothing had changed in all the years he'd been gone. He'd expected to feel nostalgic, or sad, or even afraid…but he felt nothing at all and it surprised him. He looked around for Olivia, but the desks were rearranged in a way that made it impossible to figure out which one was hers. Nothing looked the same.

"Can I help you?" a man walked up to him, someone he didn't recognize and Elliot realized the reason he felt nothing being back in this room was because it wasn't the same place anymore.

Elliot nodded, "I'm looking for Detective Benson," he said glancing around the room. "I guess she's not here…can you just point me to her desk?"

The man's eyes looked questioningly at him, "_Sergeant_ Benson is in her office," he said, "But I'm sure I can help you." He extended his hand, "Detective Nick Amaro."

"Sergeant?" Elliot asked, wondering why it surprised him. SVU had been her whole life, so moving up in rank was inevitable for Olivia.

"Sir, what do you need from Sergeant Benson?" Nick asked. "She's getting ready to leave for the day and I'm on duty tonight. I can help you."

"I'm not here to report a crime," Elliot explained. "I just need to talk to Olivia…it's personal…we're friends." He smiled weakly, extending his own hand and shaking Nick's, "Elliot Stabler…" he said.

Nick's eyes widened and he looked him over, "Oh…" he said. "I should've recognized you, I guess. Liv has a picture of the two of you on her desk…well she used to…I haven't seen it in a while."

"I really need to talk to her," Elliot said again and Nick motioned for him to follow.

Nick knocked on Olivia's office door and waited for her to say "Come in," before he pushed it open a crack. She was standing at the desk, throwing papers in her bag, "Liv…" he said. "There's someone here to see you."

She looked up at him and sighed, "Can you take care of it?" she asked. "I have to get home by dinner time. I promised…"

"He says he'll only talk to you," Nick said, wanting to give her heads up without saying much in front of Elliot. "Your old partner…"

"Oh God…" Olivia groaned, falling back into her chair and putting her head in her hands. "Fine…send him in."

Nick pushed the door open and Elliot walked in the office. "I'll be out here if you need me," Nick said, wanting to make sure Elliot knew he wasn't going to let him upset Olivia like he had in the past. Then he closed the door behind him.

"What the hell was that about?" Elliot asked, looking around the office. "Pretty boy thinks he needs to take care of you, huh?"

"Don't call him that," Olivia sighed. "He's a good friend…and he was a good partner, especially when he was thrown together with me at a time when I couldn't be one back."

"He was your partner?" Elliot asked. "Did you like him better than me?" and at first she thought he was being his usual sarcastic self, but the look on his face let her know he was serious. He was jealous of Nick, and he didn't have the strength to hide it.

"Elliot…why are you here?" she asked, refusing to answer his question.

He sat down in a chair across from her desk, "Sergeant, huh?" he asked. "Got your own office and everything?" he ran his fingers across the shiny wooden desk. "Where's Cragen?"

"He retired…" she sighed, "And you didn't answer my question…why are you here?"

"You didn't answer mine…was that Nick guy a better partner than me?" he asked again, almost afraid to hear the answer.

"No…okay…he was _as good_ a partner as you," Olivia said. "But not better…just _different_."

Elliot shrugged, "I thought no one could have your back but me?"

"Well, you weren't here…were you?" she snickered. "Guess I had to make do with someone else."

"So, you didn't want to have _his_ baby then?" Elliot sputtered.

"Fuck you, El…you don't have the right to come in here and talk to me like that." Olivia said, standing up from her desk and grabbing her bag. "Listen…I have to go. If you want to talk about the cord blood donation, I'll call you after I talk to my doctor. I'm supposed to have an ultrasound next week…so I'll ask about it then…"

"I didn't come to talk about the cord blood," he admitted, standing up and looking her in the eye. "I came to talk to you…about you…"

She shook her head, "I need to get home."

"Liv…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did about that Nick guy or about you not wanting to have his baby. I'm just confused…about a lot of things…and I want to make things up to you. Can we go to dinner and talk? Please?" he asked. "Are you feeling better or are you still sick?"

"Elliot," she sighed, shaking her head, "I can't do this right now." Tears were stinging her eyes and before she could reach the door handle they were sliding down her cheeks. "Please, just leave me alone."

"Liv…" he grabbed her arm and her tears turned into full sobs, "Hey…why are you crying? I just want to talk…to say I'm sorry…"

She couldn't stop crying, no matter how hard she tried and she wasn't even sure why, "I just…" she sniffled, trying to hold in her tears… "I just want to go home…"

"Okay…" he said softly. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean…"

"It's not you," she brushed away her tears, "I'm just…tired…"

"You want me to give you a ride home?" he offered. "I swear…I won't talk…"

She shook her head, "I'm fine…thanks though."

"What if I bring over Chinese," he suggested. "You know you can't say no to that," he flashed a knowing grin that made her chuckle, despite the fact that she was still tearful.

"I don't know what you want from me," she admitted. "I really don't…"

"I want my best friend back," he admitted. "And I know it's my fault Liv…that we're not close anymore…I want to make that up to you."

She exhaled sharply, grabbing a piece of paper and writing her address on it, then shoving it in his hand, "I moved," she said, "And I'm busy tonight, until around 8." Then she walked out the door, leaving him standing alone in her office.

**_December 18, 2014 6:30 PM_**

"That's a good boy," Olivia grinned as her son raised his spoon to his mouth and devoured his dinner. "Mommy's so proud of you." The baby giggled, dropping the spoon on his highchair tray, making the orange mess splatter all over his tiny fists and Olivia quickly grabbed a wipe and cleaned him off. Then she picked up the spoon and held it to his mouth, "Here…" she laughed. "Let Mommy feed you for a while." She stared at his little face, covered in baby food and all she could think was that he needed her to be there for him, one hundred percent of the time, and she'd failed at that more often than not. When Noah came into her life, she expected it would be easier to push her job aside and focus on his needs, but it hadn't been easier. She was torn between her career and her son, and she felt guilty about it…and now she had another child to consider as well. She felt the familiar tears welling up in her eyes, and quickly brushed them away. She'd gone from happily feeding her baby to trying to hold back her tears in a matter of seconds. "Damn hormones," she groaned, picking up Noah's dishes and tossing them in the sink. Then she picked him up from his highchair and carried him into the bathroom for his bath.

An hour later, Noah was asleep and Olivia was looking through her drawers for something comfortable to wear. The slacks she'd had on all day left red marks on her stomach and she tossed them aside, figuring it would be the last time she'd be able to wear them for a long while. She grabbed a pair of navy blue NYPD sweatpants and pulled them on instead, pairing them with a gray t-shirt, and realizing that under the thin cotton of the t-shirt it was noticeable her breasts were spilling out of her bra. She pulled the shirt back over her head, and tried to push her breasts back into the cups, cringing at the pain of her own touch, and then eventually giving up when it was obvious the bra didn't fit anymore. She grabbed a sweatshirt instead and threw it on, pulling her hair up in a ponytail and leaning back on the bed, willing herself to stay awake and failing at it as her eye lids grew heavy and she couldn't keep them open any longer.

She couldn't have been asleep long when the pounding at the door woke her up. She sat up, trying to clear her head from the fogginess of sleep and climbed out of bed, heading toward the door. She didn't want the knocking to wake Noah, but she was afraid she was already too late. She looked at the clock on her nightstand and sighed. 8:00 exactly…and she was already too tired to think straight. This was going to be a long night.

**_December 18, 2014 8:00PM_**

Olivia pulled open the door, glaring at Elliot on the other side, "You don't have to wake up the entire apartment complex," she groaned, motioning him in.

He smiled at her tousled ponytail and the pillow creases on her cheek, "Were you asleep?" he asked gently. "I'm sorry…I didn't think…you're too tired to have dinner this late."

"No I'm not," she argued, looking at the bag he was carrying from the Chinese restaurant. "I just wanted a quick nap. It was a long day."

"Uh huh," Elliot said with a smirk. "A long day…not to mention you happen to be pregnant right now and the baby is stealing every ounce of energy you have…" he looked around the room, "Wow…this place is great." He said, sitting the bag on the table by the door. "Much nicer than your old place."

"Thanks," she said, looking at the bag and suddenly not feeling as hungry as she should. Something inside smelled too strong and she swallowed to hold back her nausea. Why did everything make her so damn sick all of the sudden? "I don't think I'm hungry right now," she admitted, hoping he wouldn't realize she felt bad. She didn't need him coddling her all night.

"You okay?" he asked gently and she nodded unconvincingly. Elliot noticed the crib, set up against the far wall of the room and smiled, "You already bought a crib?" he asked. "Kind of early isn't it?"

"No…you see…" she started to explain, but the smell from the Chinese food was too much, "Oh no…" she put her hand to her mouth and ran to the bathroom.

Elliot started after her, but a small whimper from the crib caught his attention and he turned, just in time to see the baby pull himself up on the side rails, crying. He stared for a few minutes, unable to move as he processed this new information, but then he walked over to the crib, shocked at the realization that Olivia already had a baby. He looked at the little boy…his dark hair and eyes…and he ran his finger along his soft cheek, "Hi there…" he whispered, and the boy seemed to cry even harder. Elliot looked toward the hall, seeing no sign that Olivia would be returning from the bathroom anytime soon, and so he picked him up carefully, patting his back and walking him back and forth across the room. "It's okay…" he whispered.

"Mama…" the baby sobbed and Elliot held him close, trying to comfort him.

"Mommy will be back in a minute," he said softly. He sat down on the sofa, rocking the baby back and forth, until finally his cries softened to a slight whimper and he fell asleep. "Sweet baby boy," Elliot said, as he rocked the sleeping child, "I think I'm your daddy…"

Olivia emerged from the bathroom, her face a sickly shade of gray and her legs wobbling beneath her, "I'm sorry…" she said, the words shaking as they escaped her lips. "I didn't think he'd wake up."

"You feeling better?" Elliot asked and she shrugged. "You want me to get you anything?" he asked, as she flopped down next to him, unable to stand anymore. "Some gingerale or tea…something the settle your stomach."

She shook her head, "No…just give me the baby…I need to put him back to bed," she reached for him and was surprised when Elliot didn't hand him over.

"Are you kidding me right now?" he asked. "You can barely hold yourself up, and you want to carry the baby back to his crib?" He stood up, carefully placing the baby in the crib and looking down at him while he slept. "What's his name?" he asked.

"Noah…" she said gently. "His name is Noah."

"How old is he?" he asked, picking up a blue teddy bear from inside the crib and sitting it on the chair beside it.

"He's fourteen months," Olivia said, "But El…I don't think you understand…"

"You didn't tell me about him," he sputtered, trying to keep his voice down so he wouldn't wake the baby. "You came to the hospital and told me you're pregnant now…but you didn't tell me we already have a son? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Elliot…stop," she sighed. "You don't know what you're talking about. He is _not_ your son!"

"Don't give me that bullshit," he argued. "I may be _just_ a sperm donor, but I have a right to know I have a child, Olivia. You promised you wouldn't use those embryos without telling me…and you did it…twice!"

"Elliot…please stop," she sighed, standing up on wobbly legs and walking over to him. "Noah is not your son…" she tried to explain, but her body wouldn't let her. She cringed, knowing she was going to be sick again, the room spinning around her. "El…" she cried, "I need help…" she fell into him and he grabbed her as the room went dark.

She woke up in her own bed, the light from the hall spilling under the door. She didn't remember how she'd ended up there, but she did remember arguing with Elliot about Noah. She sat up, trying to put together the pieces of the evening when her door opened and Elliot stood there with a cup of tea and some toast, and she closed her eyes, "I don't want that," she sighed.

He walked over to the bed, sitting the food on her nightstand and clicking on her lamp. She squinted her eyes in the light and he sat on the bed next to her, "You need to eat something," he insisted. "The doctor said that's probably why you fainted."

"The doctor?" she asked. "What doctor?"

"Your doctor…" he said gently. "I called him. The number was right by the phone. He said the hormone injections you are taking are probably making the morning sickness worse because at six weeks your body is producing the pregnancy hormones on its own and so you're getting a double dose. He wants you to come see him in the morning and see if he can take you off the shots, but he said you have to eat to keep your strength up even if you don't want to."

"You called my doctor?" she asked. "You had no right to do that."

He shook his head and rolled his eyes, "Get over yourself, Olivia. Twice today I've witnessed you puking your guts out…and you just passed out cold in my arms. I had to call the damn doctor. Would you rather I'd called 9-1-1? Had an ambulance come drag your stubborn ass to the hospital, cause I can do that."

"I'm sorry…" she sighed. "I didn't mean…" she cleared her throat. "I don't know what I'm trying to say," she started to cry. "I don't feel very good."

"I know," he said softly, brushing her hair back from her face and handing her the cup of tea. "Sip this…it'll help…I promise."

She took a small sip of the tea, and leaned back against her pillow, "Elliot…he's not your son," she said. "I'm sorry…but he's not. He's not even biologically mine. I'm in the process of adopting him."

"What?" Elliot asked, not sure if he believed her. "Liv…" he sighed, "Really?"

She nodded, "I wanted a baby…and I found Noah during a horrible child pornography case. No one wanted him, and we couldn't find his parents. Then his mother showed up, but she was murdered and he needed a home. The judge asked if I wanted him…and I said yes."

"He looks like you," Elliot gave a disappointed smile. "I guess I just thought…kind of thought he had my chin and your eyes…I guess I let my imagination get carried away."

Olivia smiled weakly, "I wish he was yours…because at least I'd know he'd be carrying strong, caring, loving genes. I don't know who his father was, but his mother was an addict and a prostitute…so his father could be a rapist or a pimp…"

"Genes aren't everything, Liv. You're proof of that," he picked up the toast and handed it to her, "Eat this…"

She nibbled on the toast, then she looked up tearfully, "I'm a terrible mother," she admitted. "He'd be better off with someone else."

"What are you talking about?" Elliot asked. "Liv…he loves you. When I was trying to get him to calm down earlier…he kept calling for you. He wanted his mommy."

"I never see him," she cried. "I'm always at work. He spends more time with the babysitter than with me."

"I doubt that," Elliot said gently.

Olivia shook her head, "It's true. I thought I could put my work aside and focus on Noah, but being commanding officer takes so much time. I get called away from him on my days off. I miss putting him to bed sometimes...a lot of times, actually. Remember how Kathy used to get mad at you for missing things with the kids?" she asked and he nodded. "Now picture it if you were their only parent and you missed all those things."

He nodded, knowingly, "So what are you going to do about it? You're about to have another baby. If you don't have time for one, how do you plan to do it with two?"

She shook her head, "I don't know why I did this," she put her hand on her stomach and cried, "I should have thought it through better…it isn't fair to Noah to make him share my attention when he gets so little time with me as it is."

"You can't change what you've already done, Liv," he took her hand from her stomach and squeezed it, putting his other hand in its place and patting gently. "I know you love both of them…Noah _and_ this little one. You're a good mother…you just have to refocus your priorities…" he smiled. "And I doubt things are as bad as you're making them sound anyway. You are overwhelmed…you're sick…your hormones are on overload…"

"Maybe…" she sighed, finishing her toast and sitting the plate back on the nightstand. "What time do I have to be at the doctor in the morning?"

"9:00," he said, pulling the covers up over her. "I'll stay here tonight, in case Noah wakes up again. I want you to get a full night's sleep for once. That should help…" she nodded and closed her eyes and he reached over and turned off the lamp. "And Liv…I know I'm not Noah's father…or legally this baby's father either…but I want to help if I can. I'd like to go to the appointment tomorrow…if it's okay with you?"

"You are...the baby's father…" her voice drifted off and he wasn't sure if she was talking in her sleep or if she was really and truly giving him the honor of being the father of her child.

"Liv?" he asked, but he could hear her snoring softly and knew he couldn't wake her up now. "Goodnight…" he whispered, walking to the hall and pulling the door closed behind him.

**More to come...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Well, guess what? I had more time this weekend than I thought I would. So, I celebrated that free time by writing chapter 4! I hope you enjoy it. **

**Thanks for all the reviews on the previous three chapters. Over 100 reviews on so few chapters in unbelievable. I sooooo appreciate it. Let me know what you think of this one too. Please remember that when things don't go as planned in my stories, there is always a reason. Thanks :)**

**_December 19, 2014 6:45 AM_**

Olivia woke up and looked at the clock, fully expecting the persistent nausea of the last few days to send her running to the bathroom, but it didn't. She felt better…at least well enough that she wasn't scared of throwing up all over the place. She saw a package of crackers on the night stand and smiled, knowing Elliot had expected her to feel awful as well. She opened them and nibbled on one, hoping to be proactive against the queasiness that was sure to hit at any moment, and then she climbed out of bed and walked into the living room to check on Noah.

Elliot was sitting on the sofa, his back to her and she could see Noah was still asleep, so she didn't move. Instead she watched Elliot, his head lowered as he talked to someone on the phone. He was obviously agitated, but he was trying to stay quiet, presumably to keep from waking the baby. "I don't know why…" she heard him say. "Because…I wanted to help her…" and she knew he was telling Kathy about the baby. She didn't move…she couldn't interrupt their conversation, but she couldn't make herself leave either. She knew Kathy would be angry at first, but she hoped she'd come around and realize this was a good thing for all of them. "Kath…listen…" he tried to reason with her. "I was wrong. I know that…but it doesn't change anything. She's pregnant…" He ran his hand along the back of his head nervously, "This baby is going to save Eli. Do you understand that? Her baby will save our son…I just know it." He sighed, "Please don't forget that." He gave a weak nod, "Yeah…I told her I'd go with her to the doctor this morning…I'll find out details about the procedure then. I promise…and then I'll meet you at the hospital." He cleared his throat, "Tell Eli I love him."

He turned and saw her standing there and forced a sad smile, "Hey…how are you doing this morning? Are you still sick? Do you need anything?"

She shook her head and walked into the room, sitting in the chair across from him, "Kathy's mad isn't she?" she asked.

"She's…confused…" he said, walking into the kitchen and pouring a cup of coffee. "Can't say that I blame her."

"You told her _my_ baby would save _your_ son," Olivia sighed.

"Our baby, Liv," he insisted. "It just came out wrong."

She shook her head, "No…it is _my_ baby. Last night, maybe it was just because I felt so awful, but I let myself get too dependent on you to take care of things. I never planned on you being here for all this, El. I don't need someone to take care of me or my kids."

"Last night you said I was the baby's father," he reminded her. "And I am…whether you want me here or not. That baby wouldn't be here without me, Liv. You can't deny that."

She sighed, "I know…I'm just…" she felt a tear slide down her cheek. "I don't want to depend on you and then have you decide all of the sudden that you want no part of this."

"I wouldn't do that," he argued.

"Not even if the baby isn't a match?" she asked sadly.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"You keep saying this baby is going to save Eli," she sighed. "But what if the baby isn't a match for your son, El. What if Eli doesn't get better because this baby couldn't save him? I'm afraid you'll regret this child and I can't go through that."

"Damn you," he slammed down his coffee cup. "This is my baby, Olivia…and I have no doubt it will be a match for Eli too. I have to believe that because if I don't…I have no hope anymore. So please don't say that it might not match or that Eli might not get better."

She nodded, "Yeah…" she stood up and walked toward the hall. "You just proved my point, El." She sighed, "You can come with me to the doctor and ask all your questions…but then, I just want you to go be with your son. You should be with him…not with me. He needs you and you need that time with him. I'll be fine on my own."

He watched her walk down the hall to her room and he knew he'd screwed up. He loved that baby…and that's what he should have said, but when she mentioned the possibility that Eli might not get better he'd lost all rational thought. He thought about going after her, but that would probably be a mistake. She needed time to herself and so did he…because for the first time since he'd discovered she was pregnant, he was forced to think about what would happen if the baby couldn't save Eli, and he didn't know how he'd react if and when that happened. The idea scared him.

It was a half hour before she emerged from the bedroom again, dressed in jeans and a light sweater that clung to all her curves and Elliot could tell she was self-conscious about it by the way she kept pulling at the sweater, trying to make it look looser. "You look nice," he said, hoping she'd believe him, but she just walked over to the crib and woke Noah up, changing his diaper and sitting him in his high chair. "So, you're not gonna talk to me anymore?" he asked as she cut up Noah's bananas for breakfast and scattered them on the high chair tray. "Liv…I'm sorry. I love the baby…I swear…"

"I know you do," she finally said with little enthusiasm.

"I want the baby to save Eli," he admitted. "I won't pretend like that isn't first and foremost on my mind…because Liv…my son is dying. This is his last chance. If this doesn't work, he won't be here at this time next year…" his eyes filled with tears that he couldn't hold back.

"El…" she cried, "I want that too. I want this baby to save Eli…more than anything. You have to know that."

"I do," he said, pulling her into an embrace as she rested her head on his chest and soaked his shirt with tears. "I'm sorry, Liv. You shouldn't have to be so upset…not now…you should be happy right now. You're having a baby…and this time should be about that. About you and this little one…"

She pulled away from his hug, brushing away her tears, "No," she shook her head. "It's about all of us…me, you, the baby, Noah, Eli…even Kathy. This affects all of us, El." She sighed, "And I'm so scared of letting everyone down if the baby isn't a match…but I can take it if you're disappointed in _me_. I just can't take you being disappointed in the baby."

"I won't be disappointed in anyone," he promised. "I'll just be disappointed in life." He watched as she fidgeted with her sweater again and he forced a smile, "Why do you keep pulling at that sweater?"

She shrugged, "It doesn't fit…"

"It looks fine," he assured her.

"My boobs are huge," she pulled the sweater away from her chest and saw the chuckle he was holding back. "I'm serious…none of my bras fit all of the sudden, and so everything I wear looks like I'm popping out of it." She looked down at herself, "And they hurt so damn bad…I can't even try to adjust them…" she looked up at him. "That was probably too much information, huh?" she laughed.

He shook his head with a playful smirk, "I'm always happy to discuss your boobs…anytime you want." She smacked him playfully and then opened the fridge, looking through the items. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm starving," she said, pouring a glass of chocolate milk and grabbing a container of Chinese food from the night before and opening it, pulling a fork from the drawer and taking a bite.

"Last night the smell of that made you throw up," Elliot reminded her. "And this morning you are eating it cold…with chocolate milk?" He shook his head in defeat.

"I'm starving…" she said with a grin. "And the baby likes it cold."

**_December 19, 2014 9:00AM_**

"I wish I hadn't eaten that damn Chinese food," Olivia groaned, her hand on her stomach, as they sat in the waiting room of the fertility clinic. "I feel awful…"

"Are you gonna be sick?" Elliot asked, "Because if so, the restroom is way down the hall and we probably ought to make our way there now before it's too late."

"I just need to close my eyes for a while," she said, leaning her head on his shoulder and taking a few deep breaths. She felt Elliot put his arm around her and rest his other hand on her stomach, and the comfort of having him so close made her feel better. She hated that she needed him, and she didn't want to admit it, but she couldn't imagine dealing with this on her own.

A few minutes later the nurse came and called her back, and as much as she wanted to stay snuggled in Elliot's arms she forced herself to get up from the chair and follow the woman back. "Turn around…" she insisted as Elliot stared at her while the nurse asked her to climb on the scale. "My weight is none of your business."

"Really Liv?" he asked with a laugh. "You're kidding, right?"

"I'm not kidding," she insisted. "It's bad enough I'm blowing up like a balloon…I don't need you watching the scale too."

He rolled his eyes and turned around while the nurse took her weight, "You weigh the exact same as last time, Olivia," the nurse said gently. "Stop worrying so much."

"My pants were tight yesterday," she admitted. "And my bra doesn't fit anymore."

"Your body is changing," the nurse explained. "But it doesn't necessarily mean you are gaining anything…and even if you had put on a few pounds it would still be within the normal range. You don't need to worry…you're doing fine." They followed the nurse down another hallway and into the examination room. She asked Olivia to sit on the examination table while she took her blood pressure, "Everything looks good so far," the nurse smiled, "Are there any concerns you have…have you been feeling okay?"

"I feel fine," Olivia said, but Elliot interrupted her.

"She's not fine," he said. "She's been sick for two days and last night she fainted."

"Do you feel sick now?" the nurse asked gently.

Olivia nodded, "A little…but I think I'm okay."

"I'll let the doctor know," she smiled. "Morning sickness can be brutal so we want to stay on top of it." She handed her a gown, "Put this on and the doctor will be in shortly."

She waited for the nurse to leave and then looked angrily at Elliot, "I can speak for myself," she sputtered.

"You _can_?" his sarcasm shining through, "You told her you were fine. You can't lie in here Liv…you have to tell them to truth so they can help you and take care of the baby."

"I _am_ fine," she argued, climbing down from the table and looking at the pink cotton gown. "Turn around so I can change."

He rolled his eyes and turned to face the door. "This is going to be a long nine months," he snickered. She climbed back onto the examination table and he turned around to face her. "You know, if you can talk to me about how much your boobs hurt you should be able to change in front of me. We're having a baby. I'm going to see things." He said teasingly.

"We'll see about that," she put her hand to her stomach and sighed. "I wish the doctor would hurry. I'm not feeling so great."

"I thought you were fine," he reminded her.

"Shut up, Elliot," she argued. "You can leave if you're going to torment me the whole time we're here."

"Hey…I'm just teasing you," he said gently. "I'm sorry…why are you so testy all of the sudden? Ever since we got here…"

"Because," she said sadly. "I'm scared…okay…every single time I come here there's a chance they'll tell me something is wrong, or I'm going to lose the baby. I hate this place."

He took her hand and held it, "Everything is fine," he promised. "You know how sick you've been? That's actually a sign that the baby is really healthy. We're going to have a perfect little baby."

"I hope so," she nodded.

"I know so," he smiled.

"Hello Olivia," the doctor walked in and smiled. "This must be Elliot?" he asked, reaching out and shaking his hand. "We spoke on the phone last night." He looked over Olivia's chart and then back at her, "I didn't know your child's father was involved," he said.

"It's a recently new development," Olivia admitted, giving Elliot an annoyed glance. "And he shouldn't have called you last night."

"You were ill," the doctor said. "Passing out can't be ignored." He took a small light and looked in her eyes, "Have you fainted any other time…before or after last night."

"No…just last night," she admitted. "I felt sick…then things started spinning."

"You've had some nausea and vomiting?" he asked. "How often?"

She shrugged, "The nausea started maybe four days ago…the vomiting yesterday. I thought it was normal…pregnant women throw up, right?"

He smiled, "Yes, it's normal. We just don't want you getting dehydrated." He looked back at her chart, "Your hormone levels are extremely high. I've been looking over your bloodwork and it looks like you have really high numbers…we should be safe to stop the shots."

"What if I lose the baby?" she asked nervously. "Stopping too early can cause a miscarriage. You told me that. You said I should stay on it until at least eight weeks maybe more."

"The hormones help maintain the pregnancy," he explained, "but your body is obviously producing them on its own. No reason to worry." He smiled, "And I'd bet you'll start feeling better too." He could tell she still seemed nervous, "If you don't feel comfortable stopping, we can keep you on them. Just know you won't be feeling better for a while."

She looked at Elliot who nodded, "It's up to you," he said. "Whatever you're most comfortable with."

She sighed, "I think I want to keep taking the shots. I can handle the morning sickness and I want to make sure this baby is okay." She looked seriously at the doctor, "We need to talk to you about something else. Elliot's son…he has leukemia…and we've heard the baby might be able to donate cord blood that could help him…"

"That's not my area of expertise," the doctor said quickly. "I do know cord blood from a half-sibling is usually similar enough to match…but there are a lot of different factors. If the baby were to be born premature or if they can't get enough blood in the sample…you wouldn't be able to donate then. Also, you'd have to be in perfect health for them to even consider it. Right now things look great, but you can never predict how things will progress."

"Are you saying we can't do this?" Elliot asked. "This baby can't save my son?"

"No…I'm not saying that at all," the doctor said seriously. "If everything falls into place, this could happen for you…I just want you to know it's not a guarantee and you'll need to talk with a specialist. Once I clear you to return to your OB, you can talk with her about finding a cord blood banking specialist."

"Okay," Olivia gave a weak smile. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see then," she looked at Elliot who had obvious disappointment on his face. He'd wanted to hear more reassuring news than that, "El…it's gonna work. I swear, I'm going to do all I can to carry the baby to term and stay healthy the whole time. I promise you…"

"I know," he faked a smile and took her hand. "I know you will. It'll work out."

"I'd like to do an ultrasound today," the doctor added. "We had you scheduled for one next week, so we might as well do it today. We might be able to see the heartbeat…"

"Really?" Olivia asked. "Already?"

"Sometimes we can pick it up this early," he smiled. "Lean back on the table…and I'll be back in a minute," he said as he opened the door.

Olivia leaned back, resting her head on the pillow at the top of the examination table. "Are you excited to see the baby?" she asked, hoping to see the excitement she'd seen in his eyes before the doctor told them there were no guarantees when it came to cord blood donation.

"Yeah," he smiled more genuinely this time, "Of course…I can't wait to see this baby."

The doctor returned a moment later with the nurse and they set up for the ultrasound. "It's early…so this will be trans-vaginal," the nurse said, helping her place her feet in the stirrups. "Are you doing okay?" she asked gently.

Olivia nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine." She turned to Elliot, "Hold my hand?" she asked nervously and he stood beside her and grabbed her hand in his.

"Everything's fine," he said softly. "It'll put your mind at ease when you see that little heartbeat flicker."

She winced a little as they slid the ultrasound probe inside her and then she turned to look at the screen. She didn't know what she was looking at, so all she could do was wait for the doctor to explain. She looked at Elliot's face, thinking he might have more luck than her at interpreting what they were looking at since he was already the father of five, but he looked as confused as her. The doctor stared at the screen, took measurements, and had the nurse record it on her chart. She couldn't read his face, and she was afraid.

"Olivia," he said, finally and she wished his tone could give some insight into the situation. "I think we've discovered the cause of your high hormone levels."

"Is something wrong?" Elliot asked anxiously.

"No," the doctor assured them. "Everything looks good…this is a healthy pregnancy." He sighed, "But we did transfer two embryos and remember, I told you there was a small chance…"

"Oh God…" Olivia's face paled with realization. "No…"

The doctor nodded, "There are two…" he pointed to the screen. "Baby A is right here…that little flicker is one healthy heartbeat," he slid his finger slightly, "And this is Baby B…another good heartbeat for six weeks."

"Twins?" Elliot asked, his face almost as pale as Olivia's. He looked at her, "Why did you transfer two? Did you want twins?"

"I insisted we do two," the doctor said seriously. "At her age, the chance of getting one baby the first try with two embryos was slim, but we always have better luck the more embryos we use. This was unexpected, but always a possibility."

"Are they both okay?" Olivia asked. "You said they both have a strong heartbeat."

"They both look perfectly healthy," the doctor assured them, but his face looked serious. "I should tell you though…the cord blood donation…no public bank will do that with twins."

"What?" Elliot asked. "Why?"

"They'll most likely be born early," the doctor explained. "Twins have smaller placentas and so they have less cord blood. There is sometimes cross-contamination between samples at birth. It's too big of a risk."

"My son is going to die," Elliot said, his voice quivering. "He needs this…"

"El…" Olivia looked at him, the sight of his tears crushing her. "I'm sorry…"

He shook his head, "I have to get out of here…I need some air…I'm sorry…" he cried, turning and walking out of the room.

The doctor left her alone to get dressed and Olivia pulled on her jeans and sweater, looking in the mirror and wishing the first time she'd seen her babies hadn't been marred by such grief. The nurse walked in, handing her the prescription for the medication she'd decided to continue a while longer, and a couple of printouts of the ultrasound photos. "I'm sorry you didn't get better news about his son," the nurse said sincerely. "Cord blood donation isn't easy…sometimes I think the internet makes it seem like it is. I'm sorry he's so upset about the twins. That can't be easy for you."

"He loves these babies," Olivia told her, even though in her heart she questioned her belief in the statement.

"Of course he does," the nurse patted her shoulder and gave a weak smile. Olivia tried not to cry as she followed her out of the room.

**_December 19, 2014 5:00PM_**

She was sitting at her desk, devouring a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips from the vending machine and staring at her computer screen. She'd met Elliot outside the fertility clinic and he'd offered to drive her home or to work and she'd chosen work. She hadn't planned on coming in, but after the disappointment of her doctor visit, she knew she couldn't sit home all day. Elliot said nothing on the way to the station, and she didn't know what to say to him. All she managed was a soft, "Thanks for the ride," as he pulled into the lot behind the building and she couldn't get out of the car fast enough for him to drive off. The rest of the afternoon she'd managed to accomplish nothing more than quick google searches on cord blood donation from twins, coming to the conclusion that her doctor knew what he was talking about, and several trips to the vending machine for food that she shouldn't be eating anyway. It was officially a day from hell.

There was a knock at the door and she looked up, motioning Nick inside, "Liv…" he said, pushing the door open. "Tatum Granbury is here…for the lineup." The employee from Pure Earth Sanitation, Dolan O'Brien, fit the description of the rapist but had been reluctant to come in to talk to them. Eventually they'd been able to get a warrant which turned up more evidence in his work van and his apartment, and they needed the little girl to identify him as her attacker to finalize the investigation. "Do you want to be in there?" Nick asked. "She's asking for you."

"I'm coming," Olivia said, tossing her chip bag in the trashcan, steadying herself against her desk when she suddenly felt dizzy, and heading for the door once she regained her balance.

"Are you feeling okay?" Nick asked. "You just seem so off lately. I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine," she said softly. "I'm pregnant…" and the words escaped her lips before she could stop them.

"_What_?" Nick seemed to choke on the words. "Are you serious?" She nodded, wishing she hadn't said anything. "_You_…are having a _baby_?"

"You don't have to act like it's impossible," she snickered. "And I'm having two babies…twins…" she sighed, "Don't tell anyone, okay? I shouldn't even have told you. I just…"

"You needed to tell someone," he nodded. "I get it." He smiled, "Congratulations…going from a single woman to a mother a three in less than a year…big adjustment."

She nodded, "Yeah…not sure what I've gotten myself into…" she smiled, "But I'm excited."

"I'm glad," he hugged her. "You should be excited." He looked nervously at her, "What about the father?"

She shook her head, "Sperm donation…" she said. "These babies are all mine."

"Well, they'll have Uncle Nick to spoil them rotten," he laughed.

"No doubt," she laughed, opening the door, "Come on…let's go get this son of a bitch and put him behind bars for good."

Later that night she was sitting on her bed with Noah curled up next to her, her laptop in front of her. She was looking through page after page about cord donation and stopped when she found a message board where women carrying twins were discussing the procedure. Many said they were told it was impossible, but a few said they were able to bank cord blood in spite of the regulations. She quickly posted a message _"Help! My twins have a half-brother with leukemia and we need their cord blood. What can I do?"_ and she was shocked when her inbox was flooded with messages from people who knew of private banks that could help if the pregnancy went well and the placentas were healthy enough. She wrote down all of the information and closed her eyes, never more relieved for the internet than she was at that moment.

Her phone rang, and she glanced at it, seeing it was Elliot and not wanting to talk with him. She couldn't tell him about her search for possible banking sites…not yet. He'd get his hopes up and be crushed all over again, and she couldn't face that. She couldn't let the phone ring unanswered though. It wasn't fair to him...He'd think she was angry and she wasn't. She was a little hurt, but not angry. "Hello…" she said quickly and she could hear his breathing on the other end.

"Liv…" he said. "Liv…I'm sorry…for how I acted at the clinic…God, you did not deserve that…the twins don't deserve that…"

"El…it's fine," she said. "I understand. I'm upset too."

"I told Kathy…" he said and she could hear the tears clogging his voice, "She was devastated. I shouldn't have said anything until we knew for sure…"

"How's Eli?" she asked.

"He's doing a little better tonight," Elliot said. "The chemo is finally making progress in fighting the cancer…so it looks like we might be okay to wait for Maureen to have a baby or for a donor to show up…but things could change tomorrow…with this cancer you just never know."

"El, I'm so sorry," Olivia cried, looking down at her own son sound asleep beside her. She couldn't imagine losing him and thinking that Elliot might lose Eli made her physically ill. She couldn't imagine the pain. She wanted to tell him what she'd found online, give him a little hope again, but she knew it might be false hope and in the end that was much worse than not knowing.

"Hey…what are you doing tomorrow?" he asked.

"Working," she sighed. "We caught that rapist…I need to meet with the ADA…"

"Well what about the next day?" he asked.

She smiled, "Sunday is my day off. Why?"

"I want to talk," he said. "Maybe we can go to lunch…get that chocolate milk you love…"

She laughed, "I need to go Christmas shopping. I haven't bought one thing yet."

"Okay," he agreed. "Christmas shopping it is."

"And chocolate milk," she teased. "The twins love chocolate milk."

"Deal…" he sighed. "Goodnight, Liv."

She closed her eyes, "Goodnight, El."

**More soon...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks again for all the awesome reviews. I know the last chapter was a bit of a controversy, so I appreciate you sticking with it. Olivia and Elliot have much to deal with before they come out stronger and better than ever...but they will. I really enjoy reading the varied perceptions of what I've written. It seems no matter what I write, it always sparks a response that is completely different from how I've picture it in my head. I think that's a good thing because we all bring a little of ourselves into how we read/write these characters so we all see different things, both good and bad, in them. Thanks for sharing those thoughts with me. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm shocked that I've managed to update 3 times this week, although this chapter is a little shorter than the others. Not sure where all this extra writing time is coming from, but I'll enjoy it while I can. :)**

**_December 21, 2014 11:00AM_**

Olivia was laying on the couch, watching Noah play in his playpen. He would grab the sides and pull himself up, staring at her like he expected her to pick him up and play with him, but as much as she would have loved to do that, she couldn't. She felt miserable…tired and queasy and completely worn out. From the minute she'd opened her eyes that morning she'd been sick…and even feeding Noah his breakfast had sent her running to the bathroom to empty her stomach. Elliot would be there any minute and she hadn't even been able to get dressed yet. Noah sat back down, realizing his mother wasn't going to give him the attention he wanted and began sucking on one of his toys. "I'm sorry baby…" she whispered. "I really am."

The knock a few minutes later startled her and she realized she'd fallen asleep. She pulled herself up from the couch and walked to the door, looking quickly through the peep hole and opening it. "You look like death warmed over," Elliot said, grabbing her arm as she swayed with dizziness and guiding her back to the sofa. "Just lay down here and try to relax."

"I feel terrible," she groaned. "I've been puking since seven o'clock. Why am I so damn sick all the time?"

He sat beside her, brushing her hair away from her face, "Kathy was really sick with the twins. It might be a twin pregnancy thing," he sighed. "And the hormone shots aren't helping, Liv. Maybe you should consider not taking them anymore. The doctor said you didn't need them anymore."

She shook her head slightly, "No…I want to take them…just to be safe. I'm scared of losing my babies."

"I know," he said gently. "But you can't go on like this. I hate seeing you so sick."

"I can deal with it," she said, forcing herself to sit up. "I just need to throw up again…I think I'll feel better if I do…"

"You _want_ to throw up?" he asked. "A couple of days ago you were avoiding it at all costs."

"I don't want to…" she mumbled, as she stood up and rushed out of the room.

Elliot looked at Noah, playing happily in his playpen, "Your mommy…she's a mess," he said and the baby giggled at him. He made his way down the hall to the bathroom and peeked around the door. She was sitting on the floor, retching over the toilet, but nothing was coming up and he wasn't sure how to help her. He pushed the door open further, "Liv…" he said, and she lifted her head slightly to look at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He knelt down beside her, "Hey…it's okay…"

She shook her head, "I can't stop…and there's nothing in my stomach…nothing at all…" She leaned over, heaving again and clutching her stomach in pain. "This hurts…" she gagged again.

He stood up and grabbed a glass from the sink, filling it with water and then he sat next to her, wrapping his arm around her and trying to hold her head up. "Here…sip this…" he said, putting the glass to her lips and forcing her to drink it. Then she leaned forward again, throwing up the water. "Take another drink," he insisted and they went round and round like that until finally her stomach stopped convulsing and she leaned back in his arms. "Do you want me to call the doctor?" he asked.

She shook her head, "No…" her sides hurt and her muscles were sore. She was pretty sure she'd had less exhaustion from running a marathon and there was no way she was dragging herself into the doctor's office again. "I think I'm okay now…"

"Liv…the shots…" he said. "You have to stop taking them. Let me call the doctor and see if you can just stop or if you need to taper off."

"I'm scared," she admitted. "But I can't do this anymore either. The morning sickness just keeps getting worse every day."

"I know…so I'll call him and check, okay?" Elliot asked and she nodded reluctantly. "Let me help you up, and we'll get you into bed." he said, but she shook her head and remained on the floor.

"I'm too tired to move," she admitted. "Thanks for the water…that helped…"

"You needed something in your stomach," he told her. "Dry heaves are way worse than vomiting." He moved his arm from around her and stood to his feet, then he bent down and scooped her up in his arms.

"What're you doing?" she asked.

"Moving you…" he said gently as he carried her to her room and put her down carefully on the bed. "We're obviously not going Christmas shopping today," he said, "Get some sleep." He reached over and picked up a stack of papers on her bed, moving them to the nightstand and the notes she'd scribbled on the page stood out to him. _Private banking…high cost…accepts twin donations…_

"Olivia?" he asked. "What is this?"

She sighed, knowing he would get his hopes up and wishing she'd thought to put the papers away, "Just some information I wrote down when I called a couple of private cord blood banks yesterday."

"You found some places that will accept the twins?" he asked.

"Maybe…but El there are still a lot of deciding factors that we won't know until they're born," she said. "Please, don't get your hopes up. There's a huge chance that it might not work and that is a lot of pressure to put on two innocent little babies."

Her words struck like a knife, "Liv…I didn't mean to put that kind of pressure on you…and certainly not on the babies…"

"I know," she sighed, closing her eyes and then opening them when she heard Noah crying from the other room. "Oh…" she groaned, forcing herself to sit up. "I need to get the baby. He's hungry. It's his lunch time."

"Let me go get him," Elliot offered, "You need to try to sleep so you can start feeling better. I can feed Noah and play with him and put him down for his nap. Then I'll call the doctor and see what we need to do to get you off those hormone shots."

"Really…you don't mind?" she asked, already drifting off to sleep. "Thanks…"

He pulled the covers up around her and then pulled the door closed behind him.

**_December 21, 2014 2:30PM_**

Olivia walked into the living room, smiling when she saw Elliot napping on the sofa and Noah asleep in his crib. She felt much better, so she went to the kitchen rummaging through the refrigerator and was surprised when Elliot came up behind her, "Liv…" he said and she jumped back with a gasp.

"God, you scared me half to death," she said. "I thought you were asleep."

"I was, but I heard you come in here. I'm a light sleeper…you know that," he grinned, knowing she was thinking of the times they'd stayed overnight together on stakeouts or in the cribs at the station. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Hungry…" she sighed. "And nothing in here looks good." She groaned. "How can I be so sick and then it just goes away and I'm starving? Pregnancy sucks."

Elliot laughed, "Yeah, it kind of does," he agreed. "But I did call the doctor, and he said to stop the shots. You don't need them, and he's sure the twins will be fine."

She gave an uncertain nod, "I know…" she said looking back in the fridge and pulling out a bag of baby carrot sticks, popping one in her mouth. "I just want the babies to be okay. I'm scared my body can't do this without the hormones. I'm not as young as I used to be, El. Maybe I waited too long to do this…" She took the carrots back to the living room and sat down on the sofa, Elliot sitting next to her.

"Do you trust your doctor?" he asked her, and she nodded. "Then believe that he knows what he's talking about. The twins are going to be fine. He said if you feel like something is wrong, or you have any cramping or bleeding, to come back in…but he doesn't think that will happen. You've got two healthy babies in there, Liv. Enjoy it. Believe me…I've learned the hard way to appreciate your kids while you can."

"How's Eli doing?" she asked sadly. "El…I'm really sorry we don't have a guarantee about the cord blood. I know you were hoping…"

He shook his head, "Liv…" he closed his eyes, "I can't believe I reacted exactly the way you said I would. You told me you were scared to let me get too close with the pregnancy because I'd regret it if I found out there was no way to help Eli…and I swore I wouldn't…I didn't think I would…"

"It's okay," she said softly. "I understand…" She looked down at the bag of carrots in her lap and grabbed one, munching on it and realizing it was a poor snack choice for a serious conversation, but she was too hungry to stop eating them.

"You shouldn't…" he said sadly. "You shouldn't understand me walking out in the middle of your first ultrasound…crying because I'm so devastated at the thought of having these two babies when I'm losing my son…"

"Elliot…stop," she cried. "Please…"

"I thought I wanted be a dad again," he admitted. "But maybe I just wanted to save my son."

"Then why are you here, now?" she asked sadly. "I know you…even when you offered to donate sperm for me…six years ago, I knew why you did it."

"Why is that?" he asked.

"You wanted to have a baby with me," she forced a sad smile. "And more than anything, I wanted to have a baby with you, El." She closed her eyes, exhaling slowly, "We were wrong then and I know that now. We couldn't face our feelings so we did something stupid and maybe if I'd used the embryos back then we'd have been fine. You were married…your kids were at home…so you couldn't commit to me, but now, we both are such different people that this whole thing is forcing us to face emotions we've kept buried for years…and it's such a bad time for you…with Eli's cancer…but I can't believe you would be here if you didn't want to be…" she burst into tears, unable to control her emotions.

He put his arm around her, letting her rest her head against him, "I'm sorry…" he said gently. "And you're right…I donated sperm because I wanted to be the one to give you the baby you'd always wanted. God…thinking about you having someone else's baby made me sick to my stomach. It needed to be me." He sighed, "I was your partner…I wanted to protect you and take care of you. But then you never did it…and I started to think maybe you had changed your mind or you were scared to have my child…and then I fell apart emotionally after the shooting and left you and couldn't face you again…and I never thought about the possibility you'd get pregnant using the embryos after that. I assumed you'd decided never to use the embryos, so when I saw you that day at the hospital and you told me you were pregnant…it just didn't register with me the way it should have."

"I should have waited to tell you," she admitted. "Until after I talked to my doctor about the cord blood."

"No…" he said. "I'm glad you told me when you did. It made me happy Liv…and not just because of Eli…but because I wanted to be a part of making your dreams come true…and I even though I hadn't thought about being a father again, when you were on the floor of the hospital bathroom throwing up…God, all I wanted to do was take care of you and that baby…"

"I wanted to do this on my own," she sighed. "I wanted to be a strong, single mother…" She popped another carrot in her mouth, crunching loudly.

"Do you still want to do this on your own?" he asked. "Because if you do…say so now. I know I legally do not have any rights to the twins...and I'll honor that if you want me to…"

"The last few days," she cried. "I realized, I don't think I can do this alone…hell even today you had to take care of my son because I was too sick to get out of bed."

"Liv, I can help you…as a friend, if that's what you want," he looked sadly at her. "I don't have to be the babies' father. I'll always be your partner…regardless. This is up to you…but I promise you…I will never forget how special these babies are again…and I won't blame them if Eli doesn't make it…but you have to realize that I'm not going to be the man I used to be if I lose my son." He tried to hold in his tears. "I love him and I'd give up my life if I thought it would save his…"

"Oh El…I know you love Eli," she sobbed. "I never thought you should love the twins more than him. Never…"

"I know," he leaned closer to her and they both gave in to their tears for what felt like an eternity. "But I do love them, Liv…just as much as I love my other kids…and when I was disappointed at the appointment and I left…it wasn't because I was upset with them…I was upset because suddenly the very last hope I had of saving Eli was gone. I admit, for a brief second I wished there weren't two babies, but then I knew how long you'd waited to get pregnant and how much of a blessing it was to get two at once…" he gave a weak smile, "I had to leave because I didn't want you to see me cry when it should have been the happiest moment of your life. I'm sorry…I don't even know how to make that up to you."

"You don't have to make it up to me…" she sighed. "God…we are so screwed up…these kids deserve better…" She looked at the half-empty bag of carrots and ate one more.

"You're gonna be a great mom to them Liv," he smiled. "You already are. Hell, you're spending your Sunday afternoon sitting here feeding them carrots…and you don't even like carrots."

She laughed, "You remembered I don't like carrots." She looked back at the bag, "I'm not sure why I can't stop eating them right now."

"Cravings…" Elliot teased. "At least you're not dipping them in chocolate milk," he saw her eyes widen with consideration, "No…you are _not_ dipping them in chocolate milk, Liv. I forbid it. I don't need to start throwing up too and watching you do that would make me sick."

"Okay…fine…" she smiled gently. "You're their dad, El," she exhaled slowly. "And you can be involved as much or as little as you want. I won't try to enforce the donor contract if you want to be their father."

"Really?" he asked. "I want that…and I swear I'll be a good dad."

"I know…" she smiled. "You already are."

"Where does that leave us?" he asked.

"_Us_?" she questioned.

"You and me, Liv…our feelings…about each other…" he leaned forward, pulling her closer and kissing her gently on the lips, but she pulled away.

"El…" she sputtered, "I don't think…" her face turned pale and she gasped, "Oh no…not again," she cried, throwing the bag of carrots at him as she ran out of the room.

He shook his head in defeat, "I kiss her, and she throws up…this is a _great_ start," he sighed as he stood up and followed her to the bathroom.

**_December 21, 2014 6:45PM_**

"Liv…" Elliot opened the bedroom door, watching as she stirred in her sleep, "Olivia…" he said again, walking over to her, "You need to wake up now…"

She opened her eyes and looked groggily at him, "What time is it?" she asked.

"A little before seven," he said, sitting next to her and putting his hand softly on her stomach, "How're you doing? Feeling any better?"

She nodded, "Yeah…I feel fine." She sighed, "I'm sorry…about earlier…I thought I was okay to eat…"

"You need to eat," he reminded her. "You have to keep something in your stomach." He smiled, "The babies need you to eat."

She shook her head, "I'm scared to eat anything ever again."

"Well, I made dinner and you need to come out and try to eat," he insisted. "I just made some soup…it should be okay."

She groaned, "Did you put carrots in it…I can't look at orange vomit ever again…"

"No carrots," he laughed. "I promise. Come on…" he pulled her up from the bed and they walked into the living room where he had steaming bowls of soup set up on the coffee table.

"I need to feed Noah," she said, watching her son playing with his toys in his playpen. "I missed the whole day with him, and it's already past his dinner time."

"I fed him," Elliot told her, "But I knew you'd want to give him a bath and put him to bed, so I saved that for you."

"Thanks," she forced a smile, picking up her bowl and lifting the spoon to her lips, sipping slowly. "This is good…" she admired his cooking.

"Let's just hope it stays down," he said gently. "I hate seeing you so sick."

"You're not the only one," she sighed. "Elliot…" she said and he looked up from his bowl. "When you kissed me earlier…"

"I shouldn't have done that," he apologized. "You gave me no indication that you wanted me to…I just felt like there was something…"

"It's okay," she said, "I didn't pull away because I was upset by the kiss…"

"You didn't?" he asked.

She shook her head, "I just didn't want to throw up on you."

He laughed, "Really…well thanks…I guess…" he sat his bowl down on the table, "You wanna try that kiss again?"

"No," she admitted reluctantly. "I mean…I know there is something between us…but I'm not sure what that is yet…and I don't want to mess things up…"

"How would it mess things up?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant…" she said.

"With my babies," he reminded her. "And we've never even had an intimate moment together. _That_ seems messed up."

"I don't want this to be about the babies," she said. "Us…deciding what we want from each other…it can't be about the twins and I don't want to jump into something too soon and make things harder."

"Liv…" he sighed, "I love you. I've always loved you…and I need you to know that."

"I do know that," she said tearfully. "And I love you too. I always will, but we barely know each other any more Elliot. I don't know anything about your life in DC, about your job there…I don't even know exactly why you left and never called me…" she sighed, "And I'm different now…things have happened…to me and because of me…things you don't know…"

He nodded, "So…we take some time to get to know each other again," he suggested. "I can do that."

"What if we don't like the people we've become?" she asked nervously.

"I can't see that happening," he said truthfully.

"I can," she said honestly. "I wish I didn't feel that way, but…"

"You've always been a pessimist," he sighed. "I guess I'll just have to prove to you that we can make this work…no matter how different we are now. I still love you." He glanced at his watch, "Liv…I'm sorry, but I have to go. It's my turn to stay with Eli…"

"Go," she said. "Tell him I said hi."

"He asked me earlier when you were coming back to finish that checker game," Elliot laughed.

"I'd love to," she smiled, "Once I can keep from throwing up for a few hours…I'll be there."

Elliot nodded, "He's coming home in a few days…should be there by Christmas Eve. Maybe you can see him then."

"I'm not sure Kathy would appreciate that," she said honestly, "And I can't blame her." She stood up, walking him to the door, and he pulled her into an embrace, hugging her close. "El…" she said softly, "Go be with your son."

He pulled away from the hug, looking at her seriously, "Take care of yourself tonight…and if you get sick…keep water with you so you don't have those dry heaves anymore."

"I'll be fine," she promised. "I feel much better now…I swear." She put her hand on her stomach and smiled, "You go take care of Eli, and I'll manage the twins all by myself…"

He smiled, "I know you'll be fine, but I worry," he walked out the door. "I'll call you in the morning…"

"Okay…" she waved as he walked down the hall, then she closed the door and walked over to the playpen, picking up her son. "How's Mommy's big boy?" she asked with a smile. "I'm sorry I was too sick to spend the day with you." He patted her face with his chubby hands and she laughed, "Let's go get your bath and then we'll read a bedtime story…what do you say?" she asked and he giggled. She kissed him on the cheek, "I love you sweet boy," she smiled. "And I'm so glad you're happy and healthy. I'm so lucky to be your mom."

**More soon...hopefully people are still interested :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**I know I said I'd post on Thanksgiving. Sorry. My computer has been having issues and this is the first time I've been able to log-on for any extended period of time for the past couple of days. Anyway...thanks so much for all the reviews and the questions about when I would update again. I love writing this story and so I am going to try to update frequently, but I do have a life outside of fanficdom, so I can't promise to do it as often as some seem to want. **

**I hope everyone likes this chapter and feel free to let me know what you're thinking. Reviews make me smile :)**

**_December 23, 2014 1:30PM_**

It was the day before Christmas Eve, and the precinct was dead for the first time in the history of her career. Olivia couldn't believe it, but there was nothing to do and she'd even let Amanda leave early to head back to Atlanta for Christmas. Fin was planning to work over the holiday and Nick was going to visit his daughter in California the day after Christmas, so she still had plenty of help to cover the non-existent case-load. Between her morning sickness and responsibilities at work, Olivia still hadn't managed to get her holiday shopping done, and with the deadline quickly approaching, she decided to take an extended lunch break and make her way through some of the toy stores to find the perfect gifts for her son. She'd never had the chance to experience the holiday through a child's eyes, and she was looking forward to it more than she wanted to admit. She wanted to give Noah the best Christmas possible.

She walked down the aisles, looking at everything from educational baby toys to stuffed animals and she was overwhelmed. A saleswoman walked up to her, smiling a fake smile and asked, "What does your little one want for Christmas this year?" Olivia stared blankly at her. What did Noah want for Christmas? She had no idea. "Ma'am…" the woman said more sincerely. "Are you okay?"

Olivia nodded, "Of course…" she smiled. "My son…he's fourteen months old…not easy to shop for, I guess. I don't know what to get him."

"He's a baby," the woman said. "They aren't very picky," she assured her and walked her over to an aisle of baby toys. "These are all safe toys for young toddlers." She smiled, "Let me know if you need anything…" she said as she walked off to help someone else.

Olivia looked at every toy on the shelves and her eyes filled with tears. She had no idea what to buy for her son and it broke her heart. A good mother would know what her child wanted for Christmas. She thought about texting Lucy, to see if she had any ideas, but she was afraid the young babysitter would know exactly what Noah wanted for Christmas and she couldn't face that. She couldn't admit someone else knew her child better than she did. "Dammit Olivia…stupid pregnancy hormones," she sputtered to herself. "Stop crying and pick something." So she grabbed several things from the shelves she thought her little boy might like…a soft toy truck, a fireman's hat, large foam puzzles, and books…then she made her way to the clothing department and added a few new outfits and pajamas to the bundle. Before she knew what came over her she was loaded down with gifts and she wasn't even sure they were good ones. She pulled out her credit card and paid for them, spending much more than she'd planned, and then headed back to the station.

She rushed into the squad room three hours after she'd left and Nick ran up to her, grabbing the bags and packages from her, "Where were you?" he asked. "I've been worried sick. You didn't answer your phone."

She handed him her purchases and followed him into her office, "I'm sorry…" she said, pulling the phone from her pocket and seeing the missed calls and texts. "I can't believe I didn't hear it." She clicked the volume button realizing it was off and wondering if Noah had done that when he was playing with her phone that morning. He always managed to get his hands on her phone and loved to push the buttons. "I'm so sorry…is something wrong? Do we have a case?"

"No…" Nick assured her. "Still pretty dead around here," he sighed, "But you were gone three hours…and you're pregnant…I was worried about you…" he looked at the variety of bags and packages, "And you shouldn't be carrying so many heavy bags."

"Stop," she said seriously. "I knew I shouldn't have said anything to you about this," she walked past him and looked through her bags. "I'm a grown woman. I don't need a babysitter, Nick."

"I didn't mean you needed a babysitter," he said gently. "But I was worried. You've been sick…"

She shook her head, "I've felt fine all day," she promised. "I was a little queasy this morning, but so much better than before." She hated to admit it, but stopping the hormone shots seemed to be helping. She pushed past him and headed for her door.

"Where are you going now?" he asked.

"I have to pee," she snickered. "I'm pregnant…remember…"

Nick sighed, "Fine…but then do me a favor and sit down for a while. You shouldn't be on your feet so much. It's not good for the babies."

She rolled her eyes, "You need to stop this," she noticed the concern on his face and nodded, "But I am kind of tired so I promise I'll sit the rest of today…okay?" she asked and he nodded in agreement.

Fifteen minutes later Nick was at his desk, filing notes on an old case when Olivia emerged from the ladies room. Her face was pale and she had her hand on her stomach, walking slowly into the room. Something was wrong and he could tell by looking at her that she'd been crying. He followed her into her office, "Hey…what's going on?" he asked. "Are you okay? Are you sick again?"

She shook her head, her tears sliding down her cheeks, "I…uhm…" she burst into tears.

"Liv, what's wrong?" he asked, pulling her into an embrace.

"I'm bleeding…" she cried.

"What?" he asked nervously. "Did you call the doctor?"

She nodded, "Yeah…he said to go to the ER…" she cried. "I don't want to lose my babies."

"You won't," he tried to assure her, but he knew the odds weren't in her favor. She was already an older mother, and she certainly wasn't keeping her stress level down either. "Come on…" he said softly, "I'll take you."

"I need to call Elliot," she sobbed.

"Why?" Nick asked, but the look on her face let him in on her secret. There was no anonymous sperm donor, "Okay…" he whispered. "We'll call him from the car."

**_December 23, 2014 5:15PM_**

She'd tried to call Elliot over and over again on the way to the hospital, but he wasn't answering his phone. She didn't want to leave him a message telling him she might be losing the babies, so she just kept trying to call with no response. Now she was being taken back to the emergency room and Nick was with her instead of Elliot and it felt wrong. "I want to go by myself," she said, looking sadly at him. She handed him her phone, "Can you keep trying to call, Elliot? Please?" she asked.

"Liv," he squeezed her hand. "You don't want to go back there by yourself. You need someone there…"

She shook her head sadly, "They won't let me use my phone back there…and I need Elliot…please?" she begged and he agreed.

"Okay, but you have them come get me if you want me," he said. "I'll be right out here." He sat down in one of the plastic waiting room chairs and picked up her phone, hitting redial and waiting while it rang, surprised when Elliot finally picked up on the third ring.

"Hey Liv…I'm sorry…" he said, nearly out of breath, but before Nick could correct him, Elliot continued to talk, "Eli came home today…it's been crazy. He's still too sick to manage the stairs, so Dickie's been helping me move his bed and some of his things downstairs and I left my phone somewhere along the way. I just picked it up…"

"Elliot…" Nick interrupted, and the line finally went silent. "This isn't Olivia…"

"Who the hell is this?" he asked.

"Nick Amaro…" he answered. "Liv asked me to call you…"

"Why?" Elliot asked, the nervousness apparent in his voice. He knew something was wrong.

"She's in the ER," Nick said, trying to stay calm. "She wants you to come…"

"Is she okay? Is she hurt?" he asked, immediately thinking this was related to the job.

"She was bleeding…she's worried about the babies…" Nick answered and he heard the gasp on the other end of the line.

Elliot didn't realize anyone knew Olivia was pregnant, so it surprised him, "I'm on my way," he said, hanging up without saying anymore.

"Mr. Amaro," a nurse walked over to him and he looked up at her. "Your friend would like you to come back with her." He nodded, and followed the nurse back.

Olivia was in bed, dressed in a white cotton gown with monitors hooked to her and her face was still stained with tears. "Hey…" he said, walking over to her, "How're you doing?"

"Did you get ahold of Elliot?" she asked.

"Yeah," he nodded. "He's on his way." He sighed, "Did you see the doctor yet?"

She nodded, "Yeah…he's going to do an ultrasound to check on the twins…and I didn't want to be alone in here…just in case…" she started crying again and he took her hand. "I knew I shouldn't have stopped taking the hormone shots so early…but I was so sick…and the doctor thought it would be okay…"

"If your doctor said it was okay, then this isn't your fault," Nick reminded her.

"I'm their _mother_," she cried. "I'm supposed to take care of them, and I was so tired of throwing up that I put them in danger…God, I don't deserve them anyway."

"Olivia, that is not true," Nick insisted. "You have to stop this. You were following doctor's orders." The ER doctor walked in with the ultrasound machine and Nick looked at him, "Is there a chance the twins are okay?"

The doctor nodded, "There are several reasons for bleeding in early pregnancy. Let's not get too worried until we check things out." He smiled and extended his hand, "Are you the father?"

Nick shook his hand, "No…he's on his way. I'm a friend."

The doctor glanced at Olivia, "You want him to stay or should we do this privately," he asked.

"He can stay," she said. "Can you wait a while…for my…uhm…for the babies' father to get here?"

"I think we better do this now," the doctor said. "We need to see what we're dealing with." Olivia closed her eyes and Nick held her hand while the doctor began the ultrasound. "The babies look good," the doctor said and she opened her eyes to look at the screen. "Seven weeks, right?" he asked, and she nodded. "Good heartbeats…" he smiled. "115 and 145…"

"Why are they so different?" Nick asked. "Is there a problem with one of them?"

"No," the doctor assured them. "They are fraternal, I'm assuming, and that means they have different genetic makeup from one another. Both heartbeats are within the normal range. Some folks think anything under 130 signals a boy and over 130 means it's a girl. It's really an old wives' tale, but studies show there can be a little truth to it. You might have a boy and a girl."

"Really?" Olivia asked. "A boy and a girl?"

"Or not…" the doctor smiled, "You might just have a sleepy one and an active one. There's no way to tell yet." He pointed to the monitor, "But they look just fine…and I'm not seeing anything to signal the bleeding. He sighed, "Right now, my guess is that it's from the IVF. Sometimes there is an abundance of older endometrium blood due to the IVF drugs, and eventually it just comes out. It rarely affects the pregnancy."

"Olivia…" Elliot ran into the room, and everyone turned, staring at him. "What's going on?" he asked, rushing to her side and grabbing her hand from Nick. "Are the babies okay?"

"They're fine," she said, "El…the doctor was just saying it's probably old blood…"

"Old blood?" he asked.

"Or it could be from the twins," the doctor added. "Bleeding is common early in twin pregnancies. They need more room and so sometimes…"

"My wife had twins and never had any bleeding," Elliot interrupted. Then he realized what he said and corrected himself, "My ex-wife…I mean…are you sure she's not losing the babies, because bleeding seems serious and she stopped her hormone shots two days ago…"

"Hey man, calm down," Nick said, knowing Olivia was already upset about the shots. "You're not helping…"

"What the hell is he doing here?" Elliot looked at Olivia and then back at Nick.

"He drove me here," Olivia said tearfully, "Because _you_ wouldn't answer your damn phone!"

"Sir, the babies are fine," the doctor said, wondering what kind of crazy relationship these three had and wanting nothing to do with any of it. "We'll keep her for a while tonight…to make sure everything is okay…"

"I need to get home," Olivia sighed. "My sitter has to leave tonight. She's going out of town for Christmas."

"You'll be home tonight," the doctor said, "But not for a while. We need to keep you hydrated and make sure the bleeding stops." He shook Elliot's hand again, "I'll leave you all alone for a while."

"I can go…" Nick offered. "I'll watch Noah until you get home."

"Thanks," she said sadly. "For everything."

"Yeah," Elliot said, more calmly now. "Thanks for driving her…and for calling me…I'm sorry I was rude…"

"Yeah," Nick sputtered, then he leaned forward and hugged Olivia, "Take care of yourself. Call if you need anything. I'll be at the apartment when you get home." Then he walked out the door.

"What the hell was that about?" Elliot asked.

"El…don't start," Olivia sighed. "Nick is my friend…he helped me today…let it go."

"You didn't even wait for me to get here to do the ultrasound," he said.

"The doctor wouldn't wait," she explained, "And you were not here…" she cried. "Dammit Elliot, I thought I was losing these babies and I couldn't even find you."

"Eli came home today," he explained. "I was moving his bed downstairs because he's too sick to walk up to his room. I told your _friend_ that…"

"Stop it!" Olivia yelled. "Dammit Elliot…Nick was helping me…and our children…what is your problem?"

"I'm sorry…" he ran his hand along the back of his neck, "I was just…I'm worried…I told you to stop taking those shots and if you lose the babies…"

"I'm not losing them," she said seriously. "I saw them…and they're fine, El." She smiled, "The doctor said we might have a boy and a girl."

"How can he tell that already?" Elliot asked, his face worn and emotionless.

"Heart rate," Olivia told him. "It's not an exact science…but it's nice to think about, right? I'd like one of each…what about you?"

He shrugged, "I don't know," he admitted. "I haven't really thought about it."

"You haven't thought about it?" Olivia laughed, "Come on…you probably want two little boys, huh? I know it's a stereotype, but all men seem to want boys…"

"I'm just scared," he said truthfully. "If you lose them…"

"Elliot…" she looked seriously at him. "What's going on?"

He shook his head, "I love them," he said. "I really do…"

"I know," she sighed.

"But if we lose them, I'm back to zero hope for Eli too," he said tearfully. "And it will be like losing all three of them at once."

She bit her lip and looked sadly at him, "Elliot…you know these babies might not be able to help him anyway. We talked about that."

"I know…" he admitted. "And Liv, I won't blame the babies if they don't match, but I can't lose that hope…and the thought of losing these babies right now…when Nick called me, I was so damn scared…" He leaned in and hugged her close and she let him cry.

"The twins are fine, El," she whispered. "And Eli's okay right now too, right? They let him come home."

He nodded, "Yeah…" he gave a weak smile, "And he's so glad to be there too. He can't wait for Christmas."

"See…" she gave a sad smile, "No reason to be sad or worried right now. Things are okay."

"I guess so," he sighed, taking her hand and holding it close, "How are you doing? Are you feeling okay? God, I didn't even ask you that, did I? I'm sorry, Liv…"

She nodded, "I'm fine." But in her heart she wasn't sure that was true. She was scared, and not that she'd lose the babies. She was scared for Elliot…she was afraid their relationship would never survive these next months because even though she needed him to be strong for her, he had more to lose than she did…and this whole thing was harder on him.

**_December 23, 2014 11:25PM_**

"If the babies are fine, I don't understand why I have to be on bedrest," Olivia sighed as they drove toward her apartment. "I have a job…and a child to take care of…"

"Liv…it's not bedrest," Elliot said. "The doctor said a week of resting…_at home_…no work and no standing on your feet for long periods of time. You can still do things at home."

"Christmas is in two days, Elliot," Olivia reminded him. "And I already let one of my detectives leave early for vacation. Nick is supposed to leave the day after Christmas. I can't be gone…"

"Well, you're going to be," he said matter-of-factly. "You heard the doctor. The bleeding was probably nothing, but we can't be too careful."

"I don't know what to do at work," she said, resting her head against the window. "I didn't tell my boss about the pregnancy. He's already on my ass all the time and now…I'm going to lose my position, Elliot."

"He can't do that," Elliot insisted. "Call him tomorrow, explain everything…and take it from there. That's all you can do."

"I guess," she groaned, putting her hand to her stomach.

"You okay?" he asked. "Are you having any pain because the doctor said to come back if you have cramping."

She shook her head, "I'm fine, El. I'm just hungry. I haven't eaten since lunch and the babies have gotten used to regular meals the past couple days since I'm not hurling every few minutes."

He laughed, "So you're feeling better then?" he asked. "No more morning sickness?"

"I wouldn't go that far," she sighed. "I still feel sick part of the day, but I can keep food down…most of the time. I threw up yesterday at work. I didn't quite make it to the ladies room and ending up barfing in the potted plant in the hall. It wasn't a pretty sight."

"Oh…" Elliot cringed. "That's bad." He sighed, "And yet no one suspects that you're pregnant?"

"No one was around," she gave a slight smile. "Elliot…I'm starving…"

"Okay, okay…" he laughed. "I'll stop up here and we'll grab something to eat…but then you are going home to bed."

"Fine," she smiled as he pulled into a drive-thru and ordered burgers and fries. She opened hers in the car and took a bite, "God…this is so good…"

"You couldn't wait until we get home?" he asked with a chuckle.

"No…" she said, taking another bite and shoving fries in her mouth. "I'm eating for three…I'm hungry…"

"Yeah…of course…" he smiled.

She unlocked the door to her apartment, walking in quietly and finding Nick asleep on the couch. She tapped him gently and he jumped up, "Hey…you're back," he said with a yawn. "You doing okay?"

"I'm fine…" she said. "How was Noah tonight?"

"He missed you," Nick admitted. "But he's been asleep for a while." He stood up and stretched, seeing Elliot eyeing him from across the room, "I guess I'll take off…see you tomorrow…"

"She's not coming in tomorrow," Elliot said quickly, and Olivia glared at him.

"Why…what's wrong?" Nick asked. "Did the doctor say something…"

"He said I have to rest," Olivia sighed. "For a week…"

"Are the twins okay?" Nick asked. "Are you okay?"

"We're fine…" Olivia insisted. "And I'm sure we'd still be fine if I was at work…"

"But she's not going to work," Elliot interrupted. "Because she's going to follow doctor's orders and take care of herself…and the babies…"

"Elliot…" she groaned.

"He's right," Nick added. "You have to do what the doctor says, Liv." He sighed, "You know…I can cover…I can have my mom fly down and get Zara and then bring her here for our time together. Fin and I can take care of things."

"I can't ask you to do that," she argued.

"You have no choice," Nick said seriously. "Besides, I don't mind…"

"Thanks," she said sincerely. "We'll see what happens when I call the chief tomorrow to report this pregnancy…you might have a new C.O. anyway."

"Nah…" Nick smiled. "He likes hassling you way too much to find someone new." He headed toward the door, turning to look at Elliot, "You are staying here tonight, right?" he asked.

"Of course," Elliot replied. "I'm not leaving her now."

"Okay…goodnight," Nick said, walking out the door.

Elliot turned to Olivia, pulling her toward him and hugging her close, "It was nice of him to offer to cover while you're home."

"He's a nice guy," Olivia leaned into him, yawning with exhaustion.

"You should go to bed," Elliot suggested. "It's been a hard day…you need some rest."

She sighed, "I left Noah's presents at work. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve."

"I'll go get them tomorrow," Elliot promised. "But tonight, you need to rest."

"I want to take a shower," she said, "I feel kind of gross…from the hospital…" she laughed, "And I'm still hungry. I swear…these twins are going to make me gain a gazillion pounds before they get here. I'd almost rather be sick than hungry all the time."

Elliot laughed, "You take your shower, and I will make you a healthy snack. Fruit or something…with milk…_chocolate_ milk…" he teased.

"All right," she smiled. "Thanks…" Then she walked down the hall and he watched her close the bathroom door behind her.

He walked over to the crib on his way to the kitchen, and smiled at Noah who was peacefully sleeping on his side, clutching his blanket. He heard his phone beep, and picked it up, seeing a text from Kathy. _Are you coming home? Eli woke up crying for you and I can't get him back to sleep. _He knew he should go back to the house and check on his son, but Olivia needed him there too. He hadn't realized how hard this would be, being torn between his two families…and he didn't know what to do.

**More to come...when I can get to it...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for the reviews. As always they motivate me and make me enjoy writing so much more. **

**To answer a question left in the reviews...Elliot and Olivia are not in a relationship. They agreed to give it some time to get to know one another again. Also, Elliot lives in DC, but has been staying at the house to help Kathy with Eli. Elliot and Kathy are not together either. Sorry for the confusion for those who were confused. **

**This is a shorter chapter, but I decided to go ahead and post since I promised to post over my Thanksgiving Break and it is almost over. Enjoy...**

**_December 24, 2014 6:20AM_**

Olivia could hear the baby crying in the other room, and she slowly opened her eyes, pushing back the covers and flinging her legs over the side of the bed. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and trying to hold back the nausea she was feeling. Even without the hormone shots her body seemed to produce enough to make her feel like crud every morning, but she hadn't thrown up since a couple of days before at work, and she wasn't going to start again now. She put her hand to her stomach, gently feeling for any changes that would be apparent to only her, and deciding there weren't any, "Calm down in there you two," she sighed. "Your brother needs me now," and she forced herself to her feet and made her way to Noah's crib.

"Hey, what's the matter?" she asked, picking up her crying son and holding him close. "Mommy's got you…" she patted his back and he calmed down but when she tried to put him back in the crib he screamed again. She picked him back up and walked with him back and forth, "Shhhh…it's okay…you're okay…"

The baby calmed down, laying his head on her shoulder and sucking on his fingers and she kissed him softly. "Mommy gets to stay home with you today," she smiled. "And the next few days too…" As much as she worried about her job, she had to admit that having the extra time with her son was precious. "We're gonna have so much fun…aren't we? Tomorrow is Christmas…"

She took Noah to the kitchen, sitting him in his high chair and pulling down his cereal. Opening the box, the smell made her cringe, so she closed it without adding the needed water to turn it into her son's favorite edible mush, "How about we find you something else to eat this morning?" she asked and the baby rubbed his tired eyes with his fists. "I think we're out of bananas," she sighed, knowing the fruit was his second-favorite thing to eat in the morning. Instead she pulled down a box of Cheerios, putting a few on his tray and popping one in her mouth, "Mmmm…" she said, "They're good Noah. Mommy likes them. You try…" The baby grabbed the cereal and ate it happily and Olivia was relieved. She ran her hand over his head, tousling his dark hair, "That's my good boy…"

She walked to the stove, grabbing the tea kettle and filling it with water, and once it was back on the stove she grabbed Noah's sippy cup and filled it with milk, giving it to the little boy who smiled giddily. She laughed, thinking of how this was the first time in a while that they'd had a simple morning at home together. Usually she was rushing off to work and Lucy was arriving to take care of Noah for the day. It felt nice to do everything for him by herself. It was what she'd imagined all the years she'd longed to be a mother. The kettle whistled, and she grabbed a cup, dropping in a tea bag and then filling it with steaming hot water. Then she poured herself a bowl of cereal, putting a few more pieces on Noah's tray and sat next to her son to finish breakfast together.

Her phone beeped and she looked down at it, _How are you feeling this morning_? It was Elliot. Of course he would be up already and wondering about her. Before she could respond he texted again, _Did I wake you up?_

She laughed, quickly sending back a reply _Noah woke me up and I feel fine. Just a little queasy but breakfast seems to be helping._ The night before when she'd emerged from the shower, Elliot had greeted her with a peanut butter and banana sandwich he'd made using the last of Noah's bananas and a glass of chocolate milk, and she could tell by the expression on his face that something was wrong. Then he told her Kathy had texted and asked him to come back to the house because Eli was crying for him and asked her what she wanted him to do. She couldn't believe he was asking her, as if she had some sort of control over the decisions he made. He needed to be with his son…and she told him so, but he seemed to question her sincerity. She assured him she was fine and she could adhere to her doctor ordered rest-time without having him there to keep watch, and then he'd seemed hurt. She knew how much he wanted to be involved in the pregnancy, but he wasn't her husband or even her boyfriend…he was barely a friend anymore…and no matter how much they both wanted to get back what they once had, they didn't have it now and she wasn't sure they ever would.

_I'll run by the precinct and get Noah's presents. Do you need anything else?_ He replied and she smiled.

_No, I'm good,_ she answered back, and she reached over and tickled her son on his tummy, smiling while he giggled. She was good…for once.

**_December 24, 2014 10:30AM_**

Elliot knocked on the door, worried that Olivia wasn't answering. Maybe she'd fallen back asleep, but that didn't seem likely with Noah awake. He wondered if she was in the bathroom getting sick, but he didn't hear the baby crying and he would surely be upset if Olivia left him in the playpen or crib while she went to the bathroom. He sat the packages on the floor and tried the handle, but it was obviously locked and he knocked again, "Olivia…" he yelled, "Can you hear me?"

She pushed open the door, putting a finger to her lip to signal that she needed him to be quiet. She was on the phone, but she was silent, her face letting him know she was listening to someone else. Noah was on the floor, playing with a couple of toys and Elliot grabbed the bags and carried them into Olivia's room. When he came back he heard her, pleading on the phone, "No…I understand…" she said, doing her best to hold in her tears. "I know I should have reported it sooner…I know…I will…I'll be back in time for the New Year's shift and I won't need more time off for a while…" Elliot looked at her, and she shifted, avoiding eye-contact with him. "I understand…but I can do this…" she sighed. "Okay, no I understand you have to follow protocol...thank you Chief Dodds." She turned off her phone and looked at Elliot.

"He wasn't happy for you?" Elliot tried to lighten her mood, but it wasn't working.

She shook her head, "He was furious…said if I need to take more time off I can have it because he's already looking for a new commanding officer for SVU."

"Liv…he can't legally do that," Elliot told her. "You can fight this."

She shrugged, "He can…because I'm not the official commander anyway. I'm acting commanding officer…and now they'll simply choose not to promote me officially." She sat down on the sofa, pulling her legs up under her, "I don't know…maybe this is for the best. Before long, I'm gonna be fat and tired and moody…"

"You've got tired and moody down already," Elliot teased and she laughed.

"I'm being serious. I don't know if I can even keep up with this once I get further along in the pregnancy…and then after…I'm going to have three kids, El. _Three_!" She sighed, "I've had so much fun with Noah this morning and I never get that time with him. I loved every second of it…"

"So, you'll be okay if they replace you as C.O.," Elliot smiled. "That's a good thing."

She shook her head, "No one really wants to be C.O. of SVU, El…Dodds can threaten all he wants, but I think I'm stuck." She laughed. "Is this some kind of mood swing?" she asked, "Because I've gone from being upset over possibly losing my job, to being happy about it, to being upset that it probably won't happen all within a span of five minutes?"

"It's not a mood swing," he teased, "If it was…you wouldn't recognize how crazy you sound and you'd probably try to hit me with something in the process."

"Shut up," she snickered, grabbing a pillow from the sofa and smacking him with it. "There…my first official mood swing." She laughed.

"Wow," he rolled his eyes, "You think you're cute, don't you…" and he grabbed the pillow and tossed it back at her, grabbing her arm when she tried to smack it at him again. "Oh no…you're not gonna win this…" he laughed, tickling her while she fell back in his arms and laughed uncontrollably.

"Stop…" she chuckled. "El…" but he didn't stop and she couldn't stop laughing and couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed so hard. "Please stop…" she begged and he could tell she was serious so he did.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "I didn't hurt you did I? I'm sorry…I was just playing around…I forgot your supposed to be resting…"

"I'm fine," she said, standing to her feet and gasping for breath, "But I have to pee…_now_…" She ran off to the other room and he leaned back, smiling and waiting for her to return. She came back a while later and looked at him with a smirk, "If I sit down there…can you keep your hands to yourself?"

He laughed, "Yeah…tickling a pregnant woman is probably not a good idea. I hope you made it to the bathroom in time."

She fell down on the couch beside him, "Barely…" she smiled, "El…how's Eli doing? Is he excited for Santa to come tonight?"

He nodded, "He's excited…and tired…he was already back to sleep by the time I got there last night…but he was wide-awake this morning and asking if we could hang up stockings," he looked at Noah, who had given up playing with his toys and was laying on the floor sucking his thumb and almost asleep, "What about Noah? Is he ready for Santa?"

"I don't know…" she shook her head. "I'm not…I have to wrap all those presents…" She walked over and picked up the baby, sitting him on her lap. "You are not going to sleep now, Mr…or you'll skip your nap later and I need that time." She looked at Elliot, "When are you going back to Kathy's?"

"I don't know," Elliot admitted. "Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"No…" she smiled, "But I need a favor from you."

"A favor?" he smirked. "What kind of favor?"

She looked around the room, "I just realized I don't have wrapping paper for Noah's presents…and I'm not really supposed to be doing anything…or going anywhere…"

"You didn't buy wrapping paper?" he asked with a chuckle. "So, you want me to go out and fight the crowds on Christmas Eve to get if for you?" He gave a playful sigh... "You're gonna owe me for this…" he stood up, grabbing his coat and pulling it on. When he made it to the door, he looked back at her, "Anything else you need while I'm out?"

She bit her bottom lip and looked pleadingly at him. "A Christmas tree…" she said.

"Are you kidding me?" he asked. "You don't have a tree yet? It's Christmas Eve, Olivia. Where the hell am I supposed to find a tree on Christmas Eve?"

"I don't know," she said sadly, "But I was going to get one after work yesterday…and then the bleeding started…" she started to cry without meaning to and quickly brushed the tears away, "Don't worry about it…Noah won't remember he didn't have a tree on our first Christmas together…"

"Don't cry…" he said softly, but she didn't stop. "Liv…it's okay…I'll find a tree…" he opened the door and headed out to face the crowds. "Mood swings…" he mumbled with a sigh.

**_December 24, 2014 3:15PM_**

"Oh my God…what took you so long?" Olivia asked anxiously as she opened the door. Elliot walked in with rolls of wrapping paper under his arms and a small tree in his hand, along with a shopping bag. "I was worried sick, El."

"It's Christmas Eve, Olivia," he said, sitting the tree on her coffee table and looking at it with disgust, "This pathetic little tree is all I could find…other than a $250 dollar artificial one and you don't have room for that anyway."

"It's fine," she said. "I like it." Then she looked at him and smiled, "Thanks…for going…why didn't you answer you phone? I called…"

He shook his head, "Because after answering five calls from Kathy I put my phone in my pocket and refused to look at it. I didn't realize I'd been gone so long or I would have suspected it was you…I'm sorry…"

"Why did Kathy call so many times?" she asked. "Is Eli okay?"

"He's fine," Elliot said, sitting on the sofa. "She just wants me to come back to the house because Eli wants to watch Rudolph and Frosty and he wants me there for it. We do it every year. Even when I was in DC…we'd Skype and watch if it was a year he wasn't with me…"

"Then you should go…" she said gently. "Be with him…"

"Liv…I don't want to leave you here alone," he admitted. "It's Christmas Eve…"

"I know what day it is," she sighed, "El…go be with your son. You should be with your family."

"What about you?" he asked.

She looked over at the crib where Noah was taking his nap, "This is the first year I've had a family at Christmas," she reminded him. "And I'm so excited to spend it with my little boy…with _my_ son…"

He listened to her and he knew she was right. He needed to be with Eli today because as much as he dreaded thinking about it, they might not ever have a Christmas to spend together again. And she needed time with Noah…time to form her own family traditions with her child. "Liv…what about the twins…" he asked.

"I don't think the twins are going to be doing much celebrating this year," she rested her hand on her stomach and smiled, "Other than enjoying the fudge I'm going to try to make later…and the candy canes…" her eyes widened, "and the pie…I have to make pie…"

Elliot laughed, "Since when are you Betty Crocker?" he asked.

"I have some talents you don't know about," she winked. "Besides, I have a cookbook to help." She stood up and grabbed a box from the corner, putting it on the table.

"Liv…is that heavy?" he asked. "You can't go around picking things up like that…"

"Relax," she said, taking the lid off the box. "It's light…" she pulled out a few delicate ornaments and put them carefully on the small Christmas tree.

"Where did you get those?" he asked, realizing he'd never seen a tree in her apartment.

"They were my mom's," she said with a weak smile. "I brought them up from storage a few days ago." She pulled out a handmade ornament, made with faded green paper and glitter and held it up for him to see. There was a picture of a little girl with short dark hair and a missing front tooth glued to the front and her name scrawled in childish handwriting across the back. "She kept this…" she said sadly. "I never knew…I didn't look through the box until a couple of days ago…"

"All these years and you never opened it?" Elliot asked.

"I never had a reason to," she said seriously, reaching to put the ornament back in the box, but Elliot grabbed it from her.

"You were cute," he smiled. "I hope our little girl looks just like you…" he said…then he laughed, "Or our little boy…cause you know, with that haircut you kind of look like a boy in this picture…"

She hit him playfully and took the ornament back, "Don't say that…" she sputtered. "I did not look like a boy." She put her hand gently on her stomach, "El…do you really think we're going to have a girl and a boy?"

"I really do," he said. "And I think they'll both be as adorable as their mommy…even with a bad haircut."

"Just as long as they don't have their daddy's smart ass attitude," she laughed.

"Oh they will," he teased. "There is no way around that. It's in the Stabler genes."

She laughed, putting a few more ornaments on the tree, and then she looked seriously at him, "El…you should get going…before the traffic gets too bad. I don't want you to miss Rudolph with Eli."

"Yeah," he stood up, pulling on his coat and then hugging her close, "I hope you have a wonderful first Christmas as a mommy, Liv," he said, kissing her on the cheek. "You deserve it."

"I will," she smiled. "You too…have fun with your family."

"You could come…" he offered. "You and Noah…for dinner tomorrow…I can ask Kathy and I know she won't mind."

"She will mind," Olivia said seriously. "And it's not a good idea."

"Why? I want to be with my whole family, Liv…and the twins are my family too," he reminded her.

"The twins are not here yet," she insisted.

"Yeah they are," he put his hand on her stomach and let it rest comfortably. "Please…think about it…"

She sighed, "You ask Kathy…and if she'd not dead-set against it…I'll think about it…"

"Thanks," he picked up the bag he brought in with her wrapping paper and tree and walked toward the door.

"El…what's in that bag?" she asked.

"Presents," he smiled. "Come to dinner tomorrow…and you'll find out." He said as he walked out the door.

The slamming of the door woke Noah up and Olivia went to get him from his crib. She brought him in and sat on the sofa with him, smiling as he stared at the Christmas tree. "It's pretty…isn't it sweetheart," she whispered, "We're gonna have a great Christmas...just me and you," she said, wondering why she felt like she might cry.

**More when I have time...which might be a while so I hope this tides you over :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks again for all the awesome reviews! I love hearing what you think. Here is another short chapter, but it will lead to a bigger one in the near future. Enjoy...**

**_December 24, 2014 5:00PM_**

"I'm back…" Elliot called as he walked through the door…back at the house he'd shared with Kathy for over twenty years of marriage…the house he didn't consider to be his anymore…her house where he happened to be staying so he could be close to his son while he was sick, but in his heart he longed to be somewhere else, anywhere else. "Where's Eli?" he asked, walking into the kitchen where his ex-wife was busily making sugar cookies.

"Taking a nap," Kathy said, as she sprinkled the white icing with green candy pieces. "He couldn't wait for you anymore. You know how tired he is Elliot. You should have been here earlier."

"I got back as soon as I could," he explained. "He'll wake up in a while and we'll watch the movies then."

She shook her head, "How could you leave in the first place? Elliot, this might be his last Christmas…" she wiped away the tears that were beginning to stream down her cheeks and looked at him, "How can you choose not to spend every single second you can with him?"

"He's going to get better," Elliot insisted. "This is _not_ going to be his last Christmas…"

"You don't know that!" she yelled, throwing down the icing spoon, leaving a large splatter on the counter. "Where were you all day anyway?"

"Olivia needed me…" he began but she interrupted him.

"_Olivia_?" she rolled her eyes. "She needed you more than your son needed you?"

"She's pregnant," he argued.

"So it's your responsibility to take care of her?" Kathy snickered. "She's a grown woman…she doesn't need you to there…"

"I am the father of those babies," Elliot reminded her. "And I would never make her go through all that alone. Do you remember how sick you were when you were pregnant with Dickie and Lizzie? Twins are hard and you know it. I was there for you…and I will be there for Olivia too."

"She isn't your wife, Elliot," Kathy argued.

"Neither are you," he reminded her. "We share kids, Kathy…and I will always be here to help you and to take care of the kids…but you can't tell me how to run my life. And those babies are mine too, just like Eli and our other kids…so just like I need to be here to help you with our children, I have to be there to help Olivia too."

"Her babies are not your children. You were a sperm donor. You didn't just knock her up after a night of drunken sex or something. She chose to get pregnant Elliot," Kathy sighed. "She chose to do it alone…without you…so why is she taking so damn much of your time now?"

"She's been sick…her morning sickness is brutal," Elliot told her. "And she had some bleeding. She has a fourteen month old too, Kathy. She can't do this alone, even if she thought she could in the beginning. And her babies…they're mine too…they are our biggest hope for Eli…"

"_Our_ children don't even match Elliot," she sighed. "Do you really think hers will?"

"The twins have a good chance of being cord-blood donors," Elliot sighed. "And you know that. They said a half-sibling or a niece or nephew would work…that's why Maureen was trying so hard to have a baby…"

"I'd rather Maureen have a baby," Kathy interrupted. "Than have to be indebted to Olivia for the rest of my life."

"What the hell does that mean?" Elliot asked. "You don't want her to help Eli?"

"I _need_ her to help him," Kathy cried. "That doesn't mean I'm happy about it. She didn't even think about me…in any of this. She asked my husband to father her children…and she didn't even ask me if it was okay…"

Elliot's eyes widened, "I'm not your husband anymore."

"Not now," Kathy sputtered. "Then…when you donated and created those embryos. We had a baby at home Elliot…and she asked you to have one with her."

"She didn't," he admitted.

"What are you talking about?" Kathy asked, grabbing the utensils she's been using and tossing them in the sink.

"She didn't ask me," Elliot told her. "I knew she wanted a baby. I knew she'd be a good mother and I wanted to give her that. I offered…and I lied to her. I told her I asked you first and you wanted to help her too because you were so grateful that she helped you deliver Eli…"

"You what?" Kathy asked. "You're lying now…there is no way…"

"I'm not lying to you," he insisted. "I wanted to help her…and if she'd used the embryos back then I doubt I'd be involved much because I was married to you and I didn't want to be a dad again…I just wanted to help Olivia because I knew she wanted to be a mother more than anything. The only reason she told me about the pregnancy now was because of Eli…because she wanted to help him…not because she wanted me. Kathy, she never wanted to hurt you. When she told me, I admitted to her that I lied about you knowing, and she was hurt. She would never have agreed to it if she'd known. So if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me."

"I am mad at you," Kathy yelled. "Do you think this is all about her? Dammit Elliot…you've always been in love with her…and now you're using these babies as an excuse to be with her instead of with our son…and he's sick…he's dying…"

"Those babies can save him!" Elliot yelled. "They are the last chance, Kathy…the last hope we have. Stop being like this. Who gives a damn if you think I've always been in love with Olivia? This isn't about her. It's about saving our son and the only chance he has is for those babies to get here safe and full-term…she's forty-six years old. Do you think she's going to make it full-term with twins if no one is there to help her? She needs help…and I'm doing the best I can to help her and be here for Eli. She's the one who insisted I leave and come back here…she knows I need to be with my son…she's not going to keep me from him…"

"Does she know you're only helping her so the twins will be able to save Eli?" Kathy asked bitterly. "How do you think she'll feel then? Think she's still gonna want to help when she figures out you don't want those babies for any reason other than the fact that they might be able to save Eli?"

"That's not true," Elliot said sadly. "They are my children…I love them…"

"Do you?" Kathy asked. "Because I never heard you say you are helping Olivia because you want your children born healthy…or you want to make sure your babies are safe…you said you are helping her so they are born at term and can save Eli…" He didn't say anything and she shook her head, "God…I don't know why I've been mad at Olivia. She's gonna get hurt in all this too. She thinks you care about her…"

"I do," Elliot insisted. "And I love those babies…"

"Daddy…" Eli's small voice echoed from the doorway and Elliot turned to look at him. "Daddy…what babies?"

"Uhm…Eli," Elliot gave a weak smile and picked the boy up. "You ready to watch Rudolph?"

"You said you love the babies…" Eli said curiously. "What babies?"

"Tell him," Kathy said seriously. "He needs to know."

"You remember my friend Olivia?" Elliot asked. "She played Checkers with you…"

"Yeah," Eli smiled, "The lady who saw me get born. She was nice."

Elliot smiled, "She _is_ nice…and she's going to have two babies…later in the summer…"

"Wow, really?" Eli laughed. "Two babies are twins, right? Like Dickie and Lizzie…"

"Yep, that's right," Elliot smiled. "And her babies…we're hoping they might be able to help you get better. If they have some of the same genetic markers as you, then the doctor said they can do a transplant and maybe help you get better."

"Really?" Eli asked. "What if they don't match?"

"Then we'll have to try something else," Elliot said seriously. "Cause we're gonna find a way to help you buddy…I'm not giving up."

**_December 24, 2014 7:30PM_**

Olivia sat in the rocking chair, Noah in her lap and opened the book…_The Night Before Christmas_. She realized she'd never actually read it before, but she'd picked up a copy while she'd been searching the stores for Noah's gifts the day before. She remembered Elliot saying he always read it to his children at Christmas, and that Dickie and Lizzie would insist he keep reading it long after the holiday was over. She didn't have any holiday traditions of her own, so she decided it wouldn't hurt to borrow one of his.

"Are you ready to read the book?" she held the baby close in her lap, kissing him on the cheek as she opened to the first page, "'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house…" she began and he ran his fingers over the colorful pictures and giggled. She continued to read, stopping on each page so Noah could see the pictures and she was surprised he was so excited by each one. "And I heard him exclaim, er he drove out of sight…Happy Christmas to all…and to all a goodnight." She said, closing the book while Noah pounded on the cover with his little fists. "You loved that book…didn't you?" she smiled, "Next year…I'm gonna have to try to find a way to fit all three of you in my lap…" she held the baby close, twirling his hair with her finger. "Noah…you're gonna be a good big brother…I'm sorry you won't get more time alone with me." The baby began to fidget in her arms, and she picked him up, laying him on her shoulder while her rubbed his eyes and made soft noises until he fell asleep. Then she picked him up, and put him down in the crib, watching him sleep. "This is our last Christmas Eve with just the two of us," she patted his back gently.

An hour later she stood in front of the little Christmas tree and placed Noah's presents carefully around it. She should have been happy...and she tried to convince herself that she was...but thinking about how she was all alone with her son on Christmas Eve made her wish she had someone to share the experience with…someone to laugh with her when Noah was so adorable reacting to the pages on the Christmas book, someone to take pictures as she held Noah in her lap when he opened his presents in the morning, someone to appreciate the effort she was making to create a perfect holiday for her little boy…and when she thought about how lonely she felt, she thought about Elliot. She missed him, and she had no right to miss him. He was with his family, where he belonged and she was with hers.

Suddenly she stopped, putting her hand gently on her stomach with the realization that next year they'd have to share the twins at Christmas. She'd agreed to let Elliot be their father, and with that came shared responsibilities and shared custody on holidays, and she hadn't bothered to think about that before. What if Elliot wanted to take the twins with him to DC next Christmas? What if he wanted them for a family celebration with his other kids, and she had to give up either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with them? She felt herself tearing up at the thought and quickly blinked her tears away. "Stop it, Olivia…" she sighed, "He wouldn't do that." But no matter how much her head tried to convince her, her heart was broken at the thought. She had to share her children with someone who had his own life, separate from hers…and that meant her babies wouldn't be with her all the time. She leaned back on the sofa, staring as the lights on the Christmas tree blurred through her tears…she heard her phone beep, but she didn't bother looking at it as she cried herself to sleep.

**_December 24, 2014 8:30PM_**

"Your father has news for all of you," Kathy said, as the family sat around the table playing board games. It was a Christmas Eve tradition and even though the kids were grown they still enjoyed it. She glanced at Elliot, who was holding a very tired Eli in his lap, "Tell them your news, Elliot," she smirked, knowing he hadn't planned to tell them yet, but since Eli already knew Olivia was pregnant, it was only a matter of time before everyone else found out.

"I don't think this is the right time," Elliot said, looking at Eli. He didn't want the little boy to hear something that would worry him or make him upset and he fully expected the older kids to get angry. "Are you about ready for bed, Eli?" he asked. "I can tuck you in…"

Eli shook his head, "I want to play the games…" he whined. Then he grinned, "When I get better…I won't be so sleepy and I can stay up late again."

"Yeah," Elliot hugged him close.

"Dad, what news do you have?" Kathleen asked. "Just tell us…"

"He wants to tell you that I might be getting better," Eli chimed in. "Cause his friend is going to have some babies and they might match me so I can have my transplant…"

Maureen's eyes widened, "What is he talking about?" she looked at her mother who said nothing and then back at Elliot, "Dad…what is going on?"

"Dad," Dickie interrupted. "The only way someone could have a baby that matches Eli is if the baby is a sibling…are you seeing someone we don't know about?" He cringed, "How could you…"

"You don't understand," Elliot tried to explain, but the kids were all talking amongst themselves and no one was listening. "Would you all stop?" he yelled, and they turned to look at him. "I am not seeing anyone…this is a long story and I'm not sure this is the time to tell it," he sighed.

Kathy looked at him and then at Eli, "Come on Eli…Mommy will tuck you in so Daddy can talk to your brother and sisters."

"I want to stay," Eli argued.

"The sooner you get to sleep, the sooner Santa will come," Lizzie reminded him and he smiled and nodded in agreement, kissing his father goodnight and then walking off with his mother. When Eli was out of the room Lizzie looked at her father, "What the hell is this about?" she asked angrily. "If you are seeing someone, we should know about it…especially if we're gonna have a new brother or sister." She sighed sadly, "How could you when Eli is so sick?"

"I'm not seeing anyone," he promised. "A long time ago, I donated some sperm to a friend who wanted a baby," he began. "But she decided not to have a baby at the time…"

"Mom didn't care that you were a sperm donor?" Maureen asked. "I don't believe that."

"She didn't know," Elliot admitted. "I made a mistake by not telling her…"

"Who would you give sperm to?" Lizzie asked. "That's gross…"

"Olivia," Dickie answered knowingly. "It was Olivia…wasn't it?" he shook his head, "Dad would do anything for her…_anything_…"

"You gave your sperm to Olivia?" Maureen asked. "Why?"

Elliot sighed, "She really wanted a baby, and she didn't have anyone in her life…I swear she didn't know I lied to your mother, or she wouldn't have accepted it…"

"You said she didn't use it," Lizzie reminded him. "So what's all this about a match for Eli."

"Olivia froze embryos back then," Elliot explained. "And she decided that this was the right time for her to use them. She didn't know about Eli, but she ran into your mom at the hospital and when she found out a half-sibling could match Eli for a cord-blood transplant, she decided to tell me that she's pregnant…"

"Isn't she kind of old?" Kathleen asked.

"She's not old," Elliot said. "But she is old_er_…and this pregnancy hasn't been easy. She's only seven weeks along and we found out recently that there are two babies…that means the chance of helping Eli is less because it's harder to get cord-blood from twins. So we're doing all we can to get the babies to full-term and we're talking to specialists about how to do this…"

"Olivia is pregnant with twins?" Maureen asked. "And they're yours?"

"Wait…if you're a donor then you aren't really their father," Dickie said. "So she's gonna help Eli and then what…we never get to see our brothers or sisters again?"

"I asked Olivia to let me be their father," Elliot admitted. "And she didn't want to at first, but she changed her mind. So you'll get to see them as much as you want."

"What if we don't want to," Lizzie sighed. "Why do you want more kids anyway? God Dad…Eli is sick and this time should be about _him_…not about some new kids you're bringing into our lives."

"Liz," Elliot said sadly, "This is about Eli. All I want is to save him…and Olivia wants that too."

"I wanted to have a baby, Dad," Maureen insisted. "I was going to keep trying…you didn't have to do this…"

"I didn't do this," Elliot argued. "Olivia did this…she was already pregnant before she knew about Eli. She only told me because of him…because she wanted to help."

"Well maybe she's gonna change her mind about the babies being Stablers then," Kathleen suggested. "She can always change her mind…technically the babies are hers and not yours."

"They are mine," Elliot insisted. "Olivia and I agreed to that."

"So you're gonna share custody or what?" Dickie asked. "Keep them on weekends and holidays? Come down from DC to get them every week? How are you going to pull this off?"

"I don't know," Elliot sighed, "I haven't thought that far ahead. Right now…all I know is we have a little hope for Eli…and we should all be grateful for that."

"Where's Olivia tonight?" Maureen asked.

"At home," Elliot answered. "Having her own Christmas."

"I want to see her," Maureen added. "I think we should invite her over…so we can all hear her side of this too."

"Her side?" Elliot asked.

"I just want to know what she's thinking," Maureen sighed. "She's pregnant with your kids…"

"I asked her to come to dinner tomorrow," Elliot told them, "But she wasn't sure she wanted to…and after talking with your mom today, I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"Mom has every right to be mad," Dickie sighed. "This isn't fair…to any of us…but if it saves Eli…"

"This can't be just about saving Eli," Elliot insisted. "If the twins don't match or they can't get enough blood from them…I don't want you to blame the babies. They don't deserve that…they are your siblings too…"

"No they're not," Kathleen argued. "They are Olivia's kids. You didn't even plan on them…"

"But they're here," Maureen reminded her. "And we have to be nice to Olivia and we need to be there for the babies…" she looked at her father, exhaling slowly, "I'll talk to Mom…ask Olivia to dinner again. Tell her we all want to see her…and we want to thank her for helping Eli."

"Really?" Elliot asked, and the kids all gave a reluctant nod. "Okay…" he whispered.

He sent a text to Olivia _I told the kids about the twins and we'd all really like you to come to dinner tomorrow. _He waited for her answer, but she never replied.

**More soon...**


	9. Chapter 9

**Somehow I have managed to write yet another story that has sparked debate...although this time I do not appreciate the personal attacks on those who choose to have children via sperm donor, IVF, etc. Please be considerate of the feelings of others when posting things. I appreciate everyone's thoughts on the story, but there were some hurt feelings due to some of the reviews and I don't want that. I was hurt by some things that were said on here, and obviously others were as well. ****I look forward to your thoughts about the story...just please keep your judgments confined to the characters and not to people in general who make choices you may not agree with.**** Thanks.**

**_December 25, 2014 6:30AM_**

"Daddy! Look!" Eli squealed as his new remote control car sped across the living room floor. He ran after it, sitting it so it would face the opposite direction and then using the remote to send it flying across the floor again, giggling the whole time. "I want to be a race car driver!"

"You do?" Elliot asked his son, sitting down on the floor beside him. "I bet you'll be great at that…you're a little daredevil." Eli laughed and continued playing with his toy while the rest of the kids took turns opening their presents and Kathy worked on making breakfast in the kitchen. Elliot picked up his phone, looking at it and wishing Olivia would text him back. Maybe she didn't want to come to dinner, but it wasn't like her to simply ignore his texts. He was getting worried.

"Dad?" Maureen sat next to him, "Did you ask Olivia about dinner?"

He looked at her and nodded, "I tried, but she's not answering my texts. I'm a little worried. She's been so sick…"

"You could go over and check on her," Maureen suggested.

"I might," Elliot sighed, "But I hate to leave on Christmas Day. Especially when Eli is having so much fun with his new toys. I want to spend as much time with him as I can."

"I know," Maureen understood. "But if you want us to accept these new babies, then we have to be able to talk to Olivia too. I need to hear her side of all this…why she's doing this…"

Elliot nodded, "I'll probably head over there after breakfast," he said, checking his phone once more for a response that wasn't there.

Gathered around the breakfast table the conversation was light and happy. The kids, no matter how old they were now, were excited about their various Christmas gifts. Maureen and her husband were leaving at the end of the day to visit his parents, so they were enjoying the limited time with the Stablers. Kathy was thrilled that everyone seemed to devour her cooking and even Eli had managed to eat a little bit of it despite his dwindling appetite. Eli's eyes grew heavy sitting at the table and Kathy looked at him and smiled, "Sweetheart, why don't you go back to bed for a while? You're sleepy…"

"I don't want to," Eli whined. "I want to play with my toys."

"Your toys will all be here when you wake up," Kathy reminded him. "You need to rest."

Eli looked at his father and sighed, "When is your friend going to have those babies so I can get better?" he asked.

Elliot's eyes widened, "Eli…remember, we talked about this. She's going to do her best to make sure the babies can help you, but there is still a chance it might not work and then we'll have to find another way. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself now and get the rest you need so you feel better while we're waiting."

"Oh…" Eli said sadly. Then he slid his chair away from the table, "I guess I'll go watch TV," he said sadly as he walked toward the living room.

"I can't believe you told him Olivia's pregnant," Dickie snickered at his father. "Why give him false hope?"

"I had to tell him," Elliot sighed. "Your mother made me tell him, just like she made me tell you. I wanted to wait…"

"The kids needed to know," Kathy argued. "If you're gonna be torn between two families they should know why. You're the one who decided to have children with someone else…"

"I did not decide to have children with her," Elliot argued. "She used the embryos without telling me…"

"You gave her the sperm," Kathy insisted. "God Elliot…why are we having this discussion again?"

"When I donated sperm to her, I had no intention of being the father," he argued.

"What changed then?" Lizzie asked. "Why do you want to be their father now? Is this because you think you might lose Eli? You want to replace him with those new babies?"

"No…oh my God!" Elliot yelled. "Don't you ever say anything like that again. Ever…"

"She has a point," Kathleen added. "What does Olivia think about all this anyway? You volunteer to help her have a child and now you're all up in her business and insisting on being a dad again. Why are you doing that?"

"Because," Elliot sighed. "When I donated the sperm to her, I didn't think it was a big deal. I thought I was helping her achieve her dream and I wanted to help her. But when she told me she was pregnant, I realized how real all of this is and that she's carrying actual children inside of her and they are half mine. They are as much mine as all of you are. And I can't pretend like that isn't true." He ran his hand along the back of his neck nervously, "And I know these babies are the last chance we have to save your brother…if I'm not there to help her, and something happens, I would never forgive myself."

"She doesn't mind that you decided you want to be a father all of the sudden?" Dickie asked.

"She's coming around to the idea," Elliot admitted. "She needs support through all of this, and even if I never planned on being a father again, I am a father again now. I have to help her…and you all need to understand that."

"I will never understand that," Kathy said sadly. "You chose to give her a baby when we were still married…when I had just given you a baby that you weren't even sure you wanted…that you had the nerve to suggest might not even belong to you…"

"Kath…don't do this," Elliot sighed. "Not in front of the kids."

"They are all adults," she insisted. "They are old enough to know that the night before Eli was born you asked me if he was yours. You accused me of sleeping with someone else…all the while you were lusting after your partner and planning on having a baby with her!" She stood up, tossing her napkin on the table, "I'm going to check on my son," she yelled, storming out of the room.

"Dad?" Maureen asked anxiously, "Did you really ask Mom if Eli was yours?"

Elliot shook his head, "No…I just…I was on a case where this man found out the child he'd been raising wasn't his…and I asked your mom if she'd been seeing anyone while we were separated…"

"So you did ask her that?" Kathleen argued. "Dad…she would never have done that to you."

"I know that," Elliot added. "I was wrong to say it back then. You have no idea the things your mother and I have been through, and at the time we were both resolved to end the marriage and move on…but then Eli came along…"

"So it's Eli's fault you and mom got back together and were miserable?" Dickie asked. "If you ask me, it was Olivia's fault you and Mom were miserable. You were too busy wishing you were with her. Did you hook up with her when you and Mom were separated?"

"No!" Elliot groaned. "God…you know, none of this is Eli's fault or Olivia's fault. Your mother and I had our own problems and we had to finally decide we were better off apart." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "Your mom is right about one thing…you are all adults…you should be able to handle the truth. We didn't love each other and as much as we both love all of you, I am not sure we _ever_ really loved each other. But the thing is, this is none of your business." He stood up and looked at all of them, "I am going to check on Olivia because she won't answer my texts and I'm worried about her. I know you all want to talk to her and hear her side of everything…but right now, I need you to know that I will not tolerate this kind of hate when you are talking to her. I just won't. You can be mad at me…_hate me…_whatever the hell you're feeling about me…but you will _not_ attack her. Do you understand that? Because she didn't have to tell me about the twins…she chose to so she could help your brother. She put herself out there for you all to judge because she knew Eli needed a cord blood donor, and she shouldn't be punished because she was brave enough to do that."

"Dad…" Maureen said tearfully. "We'll all try…" she looked at her brother and sisters. "Right?"

"Yeah," Dickie nodded, "If she's willing to save Eli she deserves a chance."

"And it's not her fault you made the decisions you did," Kathleen added. "Olivia was always really nice to me…even when I was having problems she helped me. I know she will love these new babies…"

"Mom shouldn't have to see Olivia though," Lizzie reminded them. "This may not be Olivia's fault, but Mom is still hurt because of her. I don't think you should bring Olivia back here."

"I think we all have to learn to get along," Maureen argued. "Including Mom."

"I'm not even sure she'll come anyway," Elliot said quickly. "She wasn't too thrilled with the idea."

"She should come," Kathy's voice made them all turn toward the doorway. "She should see what she's getting herself into by having children with _you_." Then she walked over to the table, clearing the breakfast dishes, "Besides, Eli really wants to see her." She wiped away a tear that was sliding down her cheek.

"Kathy, I'm sorry this has hurt you," Elliot said truthfully. "I never wanted to."

"I just want to save our son," Kathy replied. "And if that mean being nice to Olivia for a few months, I can do that."

"You don't have to be nice to her to get her to help Eli," Elliot insisted. "She would help him regardless…she wants to help him…"

"I know that," Kathy cried. "Just go get her and I promise I'll be nice…"

"I'll see what she says," he grabbed his keys and headed toward the door.

**_December 25, 2014 9:00AM_**

This was shaping up to be the worst Christmas ever, Olivia thought as she leaned over the toilet, emptying her stomach for the third time since she'd woken up that morning. All her plans for the quiet, joyful Christmas at home with her little boy had been abruptly halted by her inability to focus on anything but her own misery. She was exhausted as she leaned her head on her arm that was resting on the toilet and groaned. She could hear the baby crying in the living room and she knew she needed to get back to him. He hadn't even opened his presents yet, and he was stuck in the play pen while she had spent most of the morning in the bathroom. She reached up, sniffling as she flushed the toilet and slowly pulled herself up from the floor. She walked to the sink, filling a cup with water and rinsing her mouth, and she was unsteady as she made her way back to the living room. She had been determined to put the morning sickness behind her, especially since she'd stopped the hormone shots, but her body definitely had other plans.

"Hey baby…" she sighed, reaching into the play pen and picking him up. She'd managed to change him and feed him before her nausea took over and so at least he was fed and dry, but she knew he was missing out on the celebration of the holiday. "Mommy's sorry…" she sighed, sitting on the couch with him in her lap. "You want to open your presents?" but before she could grab one from under the tree, there was a pounding at the door and the baby started crying again at the shock of it. "Shhhh…" Olivia picked him up and patted his back, "It's okay…" She walked to the door and looked through the peep hole, surprised to see Elliot there and opened the door. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Why won't you answer your phone?" he asked. "Or a damn text? I was worried sick."

"El…" she began, when the nausea made her practically double over and she pushed the baby into his arms and moved as fast as she could back to the bathroom.

The baby was screaming and Elliot held him close, "Calm down, little one…" he whispered, looking around the room and realizing they hadn't even started Christmas yet. "Your Mommy's not feeling good is she?" He sat the baby back in the playpen, handing him his sippy cup from the coffee table that the little boy immediately began to suck on, and the crying slowed to a sad whimper. "I'll be right back, Noah…" he said, walking down the hall.

Olivia hadn't bothered to close the bathroom door. As bad as she felt her only concern had been making it in there in time to avoid getting sick all over the floor. Elliot stood there, feeling a sense of deja vu as he watched her vomit and wishing there was something he could do to make her feel better. He wondered how long she'd been sick like this and decided it had to be quite a while from the grayish tint to her skin and the sweaty hair that was sticking to her face and neck. When the retching stopped he walked over to her, "When did this start up again?" he asked.

"First thing this morning…" she mumbled. "I'm not taking the shots…" She leaned back against the wall, feeling like her stomach was settling for a while, and flushed the toilet. "Maybe I have the flu?"

"I don't think so," Elliot said softly. "Stopping the shots was supposed to help, but you're still pregnant. Morning sickness is worse with twins…and six to ten weeks is usually the worst for it too."

"I don't think I can do this anymore," she admitted tearfully. "I was fine, El…the last two days…I was just a little queasy…"

"What set this off then?" he asked, reaching down and offering his hand to help her off the door.

She shrugged, standing up on wobbly legs, "I don't know…I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up my back hurt and my legs were achy…the baby was crying because he was hungry and his cereal always makes me nauseous but I thought I was okay. Then all of the sudden I just wasn't."

"Let's get you to bed," he suggested, but she shook her head no.

"Noah hasn't opened his presents yet," she said tearfully. "I'm ruining my son's Christmas."

"No, you're not," Elliot said gently. "Come on…let me help you back to the couch then and we'll watch him open his presents. You think your stomach is settled enough for now?"

"God, I hope so," she cringed, letting him put his arm around her and guide her back to the living room where she sat slowly on the sofa. "Can you bring Noah to me?" she asked.

Elliot picked up the baby and sat him in her lap, "Did you eat anything this morning?" he asked, knowing the answer already.

She shook her head, "I can't El…"

"You'll feel better if you do," he promised. "You have to keep something in your stomach…you know that…" he headed toward the kitchen, "I'll make you some toast…"

"I don't want toast," she sighed, feeling sick at the thought of putting anything in her mouth and looked at Noah's presents under the tree. "You ready to open a present, little man?" she asked, forcing a weak smile and picking up a box. Noah looked confused by it, but she helped him open it and he giggled at the sound of the ripping paper. He looked at the soft toy truck, obviously wondering what he was supposed to do with it, and then went back to crinkling the sparkling silver wrapping paper and giggling.

"Typical reaction," Elliot laughed, walking in and carrying a package of crackers. "You didn't want toast, so try these…they should help." He sat next to her, "All babies love the wrappings more than the gifts. It's a given." Olivia picked up one of the crackers, taking a small bite and praying it would stay down. Elliot picked up another present and handed it to Noah who was reluctant to put down the wrapping paper from his first gift. "Is it okay for me to help him?" he asked and Olivia nodded in agreement as she took another bite of her cracker. Elliot pulled off the red paper, revealing a box of Sesame Street bath toys and Noah squealed when he saw his favorite, Elmo. Elliot opened the box and pulled out Elmo, squeezing it so it squeaked and handing it to the baby. "We found a winner…the one toy he likes more than the wrapping paper." He laughed.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked seriously. "I thought we agreed that you'd spend the day with Eli and I would spend it with Noah?"

Elliot looked surprised, "What am I doing here?" he asked. "I'd think you'd be glad I'm here. You obviously need some help this morning…and Noah was crying when I got here…"

"I didn't mean I don't appreciate your help," Olivia sighed, "But why did you come all the way over here?"

"You wouldn't answer my calls or texts," he said. "I was worried…"

"I'm sorry…" she said honestly. "I turned my phone off. I didn't want anyone interrupting Christmas…"

"_You_…turned off your phone?" he asked in disbelief. "I've never known you to do that. What is this really about?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, standing to her feet and sitting Noah in the floor with his truck and Elmo toy. They still had more presents to open, and yet the day didn't have the joyous feel she'd dreamed of so she figured they could wait to open the rest. She picked up her phone, turning it on and seeing all the texts from Elliot. "I'm sorry…" she said.

"Liv…what's wrong?" Elliot asked with worry. "Something's wrong…"

She shook her head, "I just don't feel very good," she said. "Maybe I do need to go back to bed. I'll take Noah to my room with me and you should go home…"

Elliot stood up and grabbed her arm as she tried to bend down to pick up Noah, forcing her to look at him, "What the hell is this really about?" he asked, and he saw the tears pooling in her eyes. "Liv…what's wrong…"

"I don't…" she cried, trying not to let herself get hysterical but knowing she was going to fail in her attempt, "I don't want you to take my babies…" she sobbed.

Her words shocked him and he didn't know how to respond, "Olivia…what the hell are you talking about?" he asked. "I'm not taking the babies."

"You want to share them…" she cried. "And last night…I was reading Noah _The Night Before Christmas_ and I was wondering how I'd fit all three of them in my lap next year…and then I started thinking about how you want to share custody of the twins so I might not even have them with me…you might want them with your family…and I want them with _me_…they are _mine_…" She closed her eyes, exhaling slowly to ease her nausea and Elliot put his arms around her.

"Calm down," he said gently. "Are you gonna be sick?"

She shook her head, "No…I'm just sad…" and she started to cry again, letting her head fall into his chest while he held her. She wanted to pull away, and she couldn't. Her strength was gone and all she could do was sob.

"Liv…I'm not going to take the twins away on Christmas…or their birthday…or any other special days," he whispered. "I promise…"

"You say that now," she sniffled, "But what if things change…things could change…I might not be the kind of mother you think they deserve…or you might decide all of the sudden that they'd be better off with you…"

"I would never do that," Elliot insisted. "I want to be their dad…but you are still their mom." He ran his fingers through her hair, "I think the hormones have gotten the best of you."

She shook her head, "Reality has gotten the best of me," she admitted. "I didn't think this through…any of it. I don't know how I'm going to do this…three babies…my job…and now you want to be a part of things and I don't know if I can handle having someone here watching me fail…"

"You're not going to fail," he said gently. "It's going to be hard…but you never back down from a challenge…and you'll find a way to make this work too."

"I wish I believed that," she said sadly.

"Come with me to Queens," he suggested. "It'll take your mind off things…"

"How will spending Christmas with your family take my mind off things?" she snickered. "They hate me…don't they?"

"They're coming around," Elliot gave a weak smile. "They want you to come."

"So they can go on the attack," she sighed. "Kathy's gonna flip out if I go."

"No she won't," he promised. "We've had a talk…and I made sure everyone knows you didn't ask me to donate sperm and I lied to you when I did it and told you Kathy knew. This is on me, Liv…not you…but they're my family too and the twins deserve to know them."

"The twins aren't here yet," she reminded him. "And I don't know why I keep having to tell you that."

He put his hand on her stomach and smiled, "They are here," he argued. "And so are you and Noah…and I want to spend Christmas with all of you. Please…" he asked, and she knew she couldn't say no to him.

**_December 25, 2014 2:30PM_**

"Are you all right?" Elliot asked, pulling up in front of the house and glancing at Olivia in the passenger's seat. She'd looked pale and tired the entire ride, and when she'd begged him to pull over so she could throw up he'd known bringing her all the way to Queens was probably a mistake. She didn't need the added stress of this visit with his family when she already felt so bad, but it was too late to turn around now.

"I don't think I'll throw up again, but I don't know why I feel so bad," she moaned. "The meds they made me take before the in vitro barely made me queasy…and the doctor said those meds mimic pregnancy symptoms. I gained five pounds taking them and I felt dizzy sometimes…but now…this is so much worse than those meds were."

"Liv…twins are harder," he told her. "I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. More morning sickness, less energy, extra weight gain…" he glanced toward her stomach and she pulled her sweater away from her waistband.

"Do you think I look fat too?" she asked sadly. "I swear I haven't gained anything since the med cycle…but my pants are so damn tight…"

"You do not look fat," Elliot said. "Liv…stop dwelling on things you can't control. You can't help it if you feel sick…you can't help it if your pants are tight…just try to remember it will all be worth it in the end."

"I'm hungry," she said, completely out of the blue and Elliot laughed. She looked seriously at him, "I'm not kidding," she sighed, "I'm hungry…I hate this…one minute I'm puking my guts out and the next I'm ravenous…" she put her hand to her stomach and sighed, "Your whole family is going to hate me…and I'm not even going to be able to defend myself because I'll be too busy stuffing my face with whatever food I can find." She shook her head nervously, "I want to go home…"

"Come on," Elliot said, opening the car door and then reaching in the back seat to get Noah from his car seat. Then he walked around the car, holding Noah snugly in his arms and opened Olivia's door, "I'm sure we can find you something to eat…and then if you still want to go home, I'll take you…okay? Just give it a chance."

She nodded reluctantly, and climbed out of the car, following Elliot to the house. They opened the door and Eli came running over to them. "Daddy…" he yelled. "Where were you?"

"I went to get Olivia," he said with a gently smile. "Remember, you wanted to see her."

"Who is that?" Eli asked, staring at Noah in Elliot's arms.

"This is Noah," Elliot told him. "Olivia's little boy."

Eli looked at Olivia and smiled, "Can he play cars with me?" he asked.

"I don't know that he'll be very good at it," Olivia smiled. "He's just a baby."

"That's okay," Eli grinned. "I can teach him." Elliot took off the baby's coat and then sat him on the floor by Eli's racetrack and watched as the baby picked up the plastic cars and put them in his mouth. "No Baby…" Eli grabbed it from him and rolled it across the floor. "Like this…" he looked up at his father and Olivia and smiled, "See…I can teach him…"

"Yeah…" Olivia said softly. "You're a good teacher."

Kathy walked into the room, a tray of hors d'oeuvres in her hands and sat them on the table, "Olivia…" she said, obviously surprised that she hadn't heard them come in. "I'm…uh…" she sighed, "I guess I don't know what to say…" she admitted. She wanted to be angry…she _was_ angry…but face to face with the woman who was doing all she could to save her son, Kathy couldn't say any of the things she'd planned to say. She owed Olivia too much, and in her heart she knew Olivia wasn't to blame for any of this.

"I can't blame you," Olivia said gently. "Kathy…I'm sorry about all of this…I never wanted to hurt you or your family…"

"I know," Kathy acknowledged. "I really do know that…" she said tearfully. She glanced and Noah and Eli playing happily and gave a weak smile, "At least those two seem to be getting along."

"Yeah," Olivia smiled. Then she looked at the hors d'oeuvres tray and bit her lip, "Can I have one of those?" she asked. "They look delicious."

Kathy smiled, "Sure…" she held the tray out to her and Olivia carefully looked them over before picking one and popping it in her mouth, giving a relieved sigh. Kathy laughed, "Twins…I remember that…the sudden onset of starvation at the spur of the moment…" she smiled. "Eat as many as you want…I'm gonna go get the kids so you can all talk."

When she walked out of the room, Olivia turned to Elliot, "That went better than I thought," she said, taking another hors d'oeuvre and biting into it.

"Yeah…it did," Elliot said, the confusion apparent in his voice. "I just hope it goes as well with the kids." He saw her face drop and knew she was worried too. "I'm sure it'll go fine with the kids."

Olivia shook her head, "They hate me already…don't they?"

"No," Elliot insisted. "They hate _me_…but you are carrying their new brothers or sisters…so they have to love you."

"No they don't," Olivia sighed, grabbing another hors d-oeuvre and eating it quickly. "I really want to go home."

"I know," Elliot squeezed her hand. "We'll get through this…and then I'll take you home…I promise…"

Olivia nodded, dreading the rest of the day with Elliot's family, and wondering what it would bring.

**Sorry I didn't get to Liv's talk with the kids or dinner in this chapter. More to come soon...**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks again for all of the reviews. I appreciate the encouragement and thoughtful feedback. To the person calling himself JesusLovesMe, who keeps posting about how immoral this story is, feel free to stop reading it. Jesus does love you, as He loves everyone, but I doubt He'd approve of your self-righteous judgement of others. You think sperm donation is immoral, cord blood donation is immoral...fine. Then why read a story about sperm donation and cord blood donation? Do yourself, and all of us, a favor and find something that is more your style or write your own highly-moral SVU story. Good luck with that!**

**Here is chapter 10...enjoy!**

**_December 25, 2014 3:00 PM_**

Olivia sat on the sofa and looked around the room. "This place hasn't changed much," she noticed and Elliot sat next to her. He took her hand, noticing her twitch anxiously and wondering if the response was brought on by his touch or the situation of sitting in his ex-wife's living room. Olivia glanced over as Eli rolled a car to Noah and Noah picked it up, putting it in his mouth. Eli laughed and took it from him, rolling it once more. "The boys are getting along so well," she smiled slightly and pulled her hand away from Elliot's.

"Don't worry about the kids," he told her. "I talked to them and I told them I won't tolerate them being hateful to you. They can hate me if they want, but you're doing a great thing here…trying to help Eli…and they need to respect that. Kathy too…I made that clear."

"Oh great," Olivia snickered. "So now they're forced to be nice to me." She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

"Are you still feeling sick?" Elliot asked. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have made you come…"

"I'm fine," Olivia closed her eyes, and sighed more from nervousness than nausea. "I just didn't expect to be dealing with all this. Elliot…you've been back in my life for barely a week…and here I am in Queens with your kids and your ex-wife…I don't know if I can do this."

"You'll be fine," Elliot assured her. "Trust me…"

The kids came down the stairs and they all looked almost as nervous as Olivia felt. No one said anything, just sat around the room in chairs and on the floor and stared at their father and Olivia in anticipation of what would be said. Elliot finally spoke up, "You all said you wanted to talk to Olivia and she's here, so what do you need to say?"

"El…" Olivia looked frustrated at him, and then back to the kids. "I'm sorry…I just don't know what to say. You've all grown up…it's been a long time…"

"Yeah," Maureen gave a shy smile and stood up to hug Olivia, introducing her to her husband. "I'm glad you came, Liv…really…" she said, sitting back on the chair next to her husband.

"Thanks," Olivia sighed. Suddenly Noah started crying and she looked over to see him refusing to give Eli his toy car and she stood up to grab it from him. "He's not used to sharing," she explained and Eli shrugged. "Noah…you can't keep Eli's toys," she said as the baby snuggled close to her and she sat back down with him secure on her lap.

"How old is he?" Lizzie asked, instinctively smiling at the baby even though she'd planned to be stubborn. "He's really cute."

"Thanks," Olivia smiled. "He's fourteen months…"

"Did you have him tested?" Dickie asked. "Maybe he matches Eli?"

"No…he's not mine," Elliot explained, realizing his children had jumped to the same conclusion he had.

"Oh," Dickie said with surprise, "I just assumed…" he shook his head, "You just had a baby with someone else and now you're pregnant again? Why would you do that?"

"She adopted Noah," Elliot explained. "And it's none of your business…"

"No," Olivia interrupted. "I'll answer that. I know I already have a baby…and I didn't plan to use the embryos, but the lab was closing and they wanted me to let them go…and I couldn't. I wanted the chance to try for more children…"

"What are you gonna tell him some day when he finds out he's adopted but that wasn't enough for you so you went and had your own children instead?" Kathleen asked angrily.

"Kathleen!" Elliot yelled, but Olivia interrupted him.

"Noah is my own child," she said seriously. "Don't ever say anything like that again." She looked at Elliot and shook her head anxiously, "I need to go home…now."

"Liv," he said softly. "She didn't mean that…"

"Yes I did," Kathleen argued. "You think your son won't feel left out…feel like he wasn't enough for you. He's not a Stabler, so he isn't our brother…Dad's not his father, but he is the babies' father…you should've thought about all of that."

"You know what, Kathleen…I didn't need to think about that…because Noah is my son, and these babies are my children too. They are siblings, and they don't need all of you in their lives." She stood up, holding Noah close to her and looking at Elliot, "Take us home…now…"

"Liv," Elliot stood and tried to plead with her. "Come on…let's try…"

"Try what?" she sputtered. "Try listening while your kids make my son seem worthless. I won't let them treat him that way."

"We won't," Lizzie promised, standing up and facing Olivia. "Kathleen doesn't speak for all of us," she looked angrily at her sister. "Really…I think he's precious…"

"Thank you," Olivia sighed, "But I don't think this was a good idea…"

"I'm sorry," Kathleen said, even though her face showed her lack of sincerity. "I won't talk about Noah anymore."

"No…you won't," Elliot insisted, turning back to Olivia. "Please stay…"

She shook her head, "I don't want to…I want to go…" She closed her eyes, trying to swallow the sick feeling that was rising inside of her, "El…I don't feel so good…"

He grabbed the baby from her, handing him to Lizzie and grabbed her arm guiding her out of the room and into the tiny half-bathroom off the side of the dining room. He stood outside the door, the room too small for both of them, and listened as she threw up. He shouldn't have insisted she come to Queens…he should have known the kids would be too much for her…he should have thought about her feelings instead of his own. Kathy walked in from the kitchen, hearing the sound from the bathroom and grimacing, "Is that Olivia?" she asked. "Is she okay?"

Elliot shook his head, "She's sick…"

"Obviously," Kathy motioned toward the door. "You could've taken her to the main bathroom…we have to eat out here in a while. The smell will be awful."

"She couldn't make it all the way upstairs," Elliot argued. "Besides, I'll make sure everything is cleaned up." He sighed, "Kath…please talk to the kids. Tell them to be nice to her. Am I the only one who understands what she is doing for us?"

"No…we all know," Kathy said with a sigh. "But we all have a problem with how this happened. And I'm not really mad at Olivia, and I doubt the kids are either…it's just hard to have her here when we know you chose her over us."

"I didn't," he said truthfully. "I never once chose her over you or the kids. Never…if anything, I made her feel lonely and left out most of our relationship. I wish you could see that."

Olivia opened the door, embarrassed to find Kathy standing there staring at her, "I'm sorry…" she said, her voice shaky and weak. She looked at Elliot, "Take me home now…"

He nodded, but then Eli came in the room, his face a tired pale and his shoulders slumped with exhaustion, "Daddy…" he said slowly. "I'm tired…"

"We'll get you back to bed," Kathy leaned down and gave a sad smile to her son. "You've been up doing too much."

"I want Daddy," Eli cried, clutching Elliot around the waist. "Please…"

Elliot picked up the little boy, and Olivia noticed he looked so much younger than his seven years with his head resting on his father's shoulder. Elliot looked at her, and she sighed, giving him a knowing nod. He had to stay for Eli, no matter how horrible she felt or how much she longed to get out of there. "Let me put him down and then…"

"No," Eli sniffled. "I want Olivia too."

"Eli, Olivia isn't feeling very well…the babies are making her feel a little sick," Elliot tried to explain, but Eli was persistent.

"Then she can lay down with me," he suggested. "Please…"

"Let me go check on Noah," Olivia said softly, and she walked into the next room and saw her son giggling on Lizzie's lap while Maureen play peek-a-boo and tickled him. Kathleen and Dickie were nowhere to be seen, obviously fed up with the situation. She walked back to the dining room where Elliot still held Eli who was already drifting off the sleep, "Okay," she patted the boy's back gently, "I'll stay with you for a little while." She started to follow them into the next room.

"Olivia," Kathy called to her and she turned to look at her. "Thank you…for staying…for Eli. I know you don't feel well and I promise, the kids will be better…I'll talk to them…" Olivia gave a weak nod, and followed Elliot out of the room.

**_December 25, 2014 4:00PM_**

Elliot put Eli down on the bed and sat beside him. "You go to sleep, buddy," he whispered. "Then when you wake up it will be time for Christmas dinner."

"Olivia?" Eli looked up at her and gave a pleading smile. "Will you lay down with me?"

"Oh Eli," she sighed. "I don't know…I need to get back to the baby…"

"It wouldn't hurt," Elliot suggested. "You're as tired as he is and it might help settle your stomach to get a little rest."

"For a few minutes," she gave in, climbing across the bed and resting her head on her arm, using the other hand to pat Eli's back. "You go to sleep now…okay? We all want you to feel better."

Eli nodded slightly, "Can you tell me story?" he asked.

"Eli, I can do that," Elliot offered. "Olivia's tired too…let her relax…"

"No, I'll do it," Olivia smiled at the little boy and he snuggled next to her.

"Daddy…you can go," Eli sighed. "I wanna talk to Olivia…please…"

Olivia gave him a reluctant nod, and he leaned over and kissed Eli on the forehead, "Sleep well, bud…" then he looked at Olivia, "Call me back in here if you need me."

"I will," Olivia said gently. "But we'll be fine. Can you check on Noah? I'll be out in a while," She waited for Elliot to walk away and then looked at Eli, "So, what story do you want to hear?"

The little boy shrugged, "I just want to talk to you," he yawned.

"Okay, well…what do you want to talk about?" she whispered.

Eli cuddled up closer to her and she wrapped her arms around him. "My Daddy says you are having two babies…and they might make me better…"

She smiled sadly, "I hope so," she admitted. "I want them to help you…we all do…"

"I want to get better," he said, tears forming in his eyes. "Mommy and Daddy are sad every time they look at me. They're scared."

"They love you Eli," she said softly. "And it scares them to know you're so sick. They wish there was a way they could help you feel better."

"Daddy says if your babies match me then I can have a transplant and it will help me," he yawned. "But if they don't match then we'll have to find another way for me to get better."

"Well there is no way to know if the twins match until their born," Olivia told them. "I wish there was. I hope they match, Eli…I really do…but if they don't your mom and dad are not going to give up. They'll keep looking…"

Eli shook his head slowly, "I know I'm not getting better…"

"Don't talk like that," Olivia said sadly. "No one else is giving up…"

"I heard Dickie," Eli admitted. "He was mad. He said Daddy gave you those babies and they are our brothers or sisters. Is that true?"

Olivia nodded, "Yes…it is true. And you'll be a great big brother, Eli…"

"If they don't match me," he yawned again. "I won't be here to be a good big brother. Dickie is a great brother…but he seems mad at the babies. Noah's their brother, but he's just a baby too. They won't have a good big brother if I don't get better…"

Olivia brushed away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks, "Eli…" she said. "You are going to be their big brother…they need you…you're going to get better," she said, hoping it was the truth.

"Don't cry," Eli rolled over, looking her in the eye. "Everybody cries…"

Olivia sniffled and forced a smile, "I'm sorry…the babies make me cry sometimes…I can't help it."

Eli laughed, "Why do they make you cry and throw up? Are they mad at you?"

"No," Olivia laughed, "They are just letting me know they're here." She put her hand on her stomach and sighed. "That's what babies do before they're born…to let us know they're okay."

"How come your tummy isn't bigger?" Eli asked, looking her over.

"Oh…" Olivia looked down at her body, "It will be…trust me. She ran her hand over her stomach, "And they'll be moving around and kicking us…"

"Can I feel them kick?" he asked eagerly, placing his hand on her stomach.

"As soon as they start kicking, I'll let you know…okay?" she smiled and he nodded. "Now, you get some sleep…"

He nodded, curling up next to her and closing his eyes and before long they were both sound asleep.

**_December 25, 2014 6:00PM_**

"Liv…" Elliot sat next to her on the bed and rubbed his hand over her shoulder. "Liv…wake up…"

Her eyes fluttered open and she yawned, looking up at him and then she noticed she was alone in the bed, "Where's Eli?" she asked, sitting up slowly.

"He's in the living room watching movies with the other kids. He slept about an hour, but you were out cold…so we let you sleep," Elliot said, brushing her hair away from her face. "How're you feeling?"

"I'm fine," she said, climbing out of bed. "You should have woke me up."

"You need to rest," he reminded her. "Besides, you weren't feeling well…"

"I'm so embarrassed," she sighed, "They all hate me…and I spent Christmas sleeping…I'm sure they just love that."

"No one hates you," he insisted. "They hate me…not you…but they're coming around." he smiled, "Noah wants you though. He's been crying for mama the last fifteen minutes, which is why I woke you up."

"Oh God…Noah," she rushed out the door and found her son sitting on Maureen's lap sobbing. "Hey sweetie," she whispered. "Mommy's here…" Maureen handed the baby to her and Olivia let him rest on her shoulder and rubbed his back until he calmed down. "He's hungry," she said.

"Dinner's ready," Kathy said, giving her an odd look. "We were waiting for you to wake up."

"I'm sorry," Olivia shook her head. "Someone should have woke me up."

"The babies needed you to sleep," Eli grinned. "Right Daddy…that's what you said."

"Yeah," Elliot smiled at his son.

"Well, the babies and I are fine now, so let's all have dinner," Olivia smiled at Eli and tried to ignore the angry glances from Dickie and Kathleen.

They sat at the table and passed around the food, piling it on the plates. Olivia listened as the family said a prayer, and she couldn't help but find it ironic that they were all so comfortable thanking God for all their blessings, but just as much at ease making her feel like an outcast. No one really talked as they ate, and Olivia assumed it was her presence at the table forcing the silence. "This is delicious, Kathy," she said, smiling an unconvincing smile and feeding Noah a spoonful of mashed potatoes.

"Thank you," Kathy nodded, taking a bite of her own food.

"Olivia," Lizzie asked. "Do you think the babies are boys or girls?"

"I don't know," she said softly. "Maybe one of each."

"Daddy…if they are both boys then we'll have more boys than girls," Eli laughed.

"Really?" Elliot asked, thinking about the comment. "I never thought about that. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway…we just want to pray for one of them to match you so you can get better." He gave his son a knowing wink.

"When are the babies due?" Maureen asked.

"August 12th," Olivia answered. "But they'll probably come sooner…"

"Lizzie and Dickie were a month early," Kathy said quickly.

"Olivia is going to do everything in her power to carry them to term though," Elliot added. "The closer to term they are the better chance of getting the cord blood."

"I can't imagine making it to term with twins," Kathy said seriously. "I was huge…if I'd had to go one more day I think it would've killed me." She looked at Elliot, "And babies have minds of their own. You know that. She can't just hold them in."

Olivia laughed, "I'll do my best, but the odds are against making it to forty weeks. We know that."

"She'll be in bed that last month if that's what it takes," Elliot added. "We're determined to get them to term. She can do it, even if she's miserable…right?" he glanced at her and she gave an uncomfortable nod, trying to hide the tears in her eyes.

"Dad…we all know she's going to do her best," Lizzie added. "But you can't put that kind of pressure on someone. She can't help it if they come early."

"Olivia says I can feel the babies kick," Eli jumped in the conversation. "She said as soon as they get bigger she'll let me feel them kick. I get to be their brother…"

"Oh geez," Kathleen pushed her chair away from the table, "You are _not_ their brother. They are _her_ kids, Eli…"

"Kathleen…" Elliot said, but she walked away from the table.

"She's right," Dickie added. "Olivia's babies are hers…being a sperm donor doesn't make you a dad. Quit pretending like it does. Those babies mean nothing to you…you just want them to help Eli." He stood up and followed his sister out of the room.

"I'm sorry…" Elliot said, seeing Olivia's tears sliding down her cheeks.

She pushed her chair away from the table, "Kathy…dinner was delicious. I'm sorry I ruined it. We're gonna go…" she grabbed Noah and walked into the living room to grab his diaper bag.

Elliot followed her into the room, "Liv…don't let the kids get to you…they'll get used to this…"

She looked at him and shook her head, "You don't get it, do you? This has nothing to do with them…" she cried.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"You…" she cried. "I'm talking about you. I can handle your kids not liking me…being angry about the babies. I don't care what they think. But you…" she sobbed. "You don't care about the twins at all…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" he sputtered. "Of course I do…"

She shook her head, "You said you wanted to be their father. I didn't want to do that because we haven't had any sort of relationship in so long…but you convinced me…like you've always been able to do…"

"Because I love them," he insisted. "They're my kids."

"They're mine," she cried. "You don't care if they're healthy. You don't care if they're boys or girls. You just want them to come at term and save your son…and they deserve better than that!"

"That's not true," Elliot argued.

"Yes it is," she sighed. "I've known it all along…and I tried to convince myself otherwise…but after all this…"

"Just because Dickie was running his mouth…" Elliot started.

"No…it wasn't him," Olivia interrupted, "It was _you_. All that talk about how they have to make it to term, and I'll stay in bed for a month if we have to, and you don't care how miserable it makes me…" she cried. "You really don't care…and I can't deal with that right now."

"Liv, I didn't mean it that way," he tried to pull her close, but she jerked away from him.

"I need time," she sighed, "Away from you. I want to go home…"

She headed toward the door and saw Maureen and her husband standing there. "We're heading into the city," Maureen said gently, having overheard most of the conversation. "I thought maybe you and Noah would like a ride."

"I can take them home," Elliot insisted.

"I'd like a ride," Olivia handed the baby to Maureen, who walked with him to the car. Then she turned to Elliot, "I'm still going to help Eli…but I can't be around you…not right now…"

"Liv…" he began. "Don't be like this."

She shook her head, "Good-bye Elliot." She sighed, "Enjoy Christmas with your kids."

**More to come...don't hate me for this ending, please. It's not over yet ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

**I really need to apologize for the time it has taken me to update this. I have been extremely busy with work, the holidays, etc...so thank you to everyone who is sticking with this in spite of my lack of updates. I swear I will try to do better with it. I have some time off work now, so maybe I can get several updates done pretty quickly after Christmas. I really enjoyed reading all the reviews and the PMs from people who have taken an interest in this story. I will not address the comments made by JesusLovesMe, except to say that this person is taking pride is showing his ignorance and I won't let that kind of hate influence my writing or beliefs. Thank you to those of you who have been supportive.**

**Enjoy the chapter...I'm looking forward to thoughts/comments.**

**Oh, and I hope everyone has a joyous holiday season!**

**_December 31, 2014 11:15 AM_**

Olivia sat at her desk, looking through files on her computer and staring at the clock. New Year's Eve was never dull at SVU, but this year she wasn't in the mood to face the chaos that was sure to ensue at any given moment. She'd come back to work the day before, facing knowing glances from the squad that made her aware that they'd been filled in on her situation. No one had said anything though, and she hadn't made a big announcement either. She wasn't ready to be treated with kid gloves.

The knock on her office door forced her to raise her head from the computer screen just as Fin pushed the door open slightly. "You busy?" he asked and she motioned him in. He walked over to the chair by her desk and sat down, staring at her and she knew he was going to ask about the pregnancy and she wasn't sure what to tell him. "How are you doing?" he asked sincerely.

"I'm fine," she sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "Are things getting busy out there? You need me to help out?"

He shook his head, "It's slow…unbelievably slow for New Year's Eve…" he sighed and tapped his fingers on the desk. "And I'm not sure how much helping you should be doing anyway." He shook his head, "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "You and Stabler…_again_?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she sputtered. "There is no me and Elliot…trust me…"

"You're _pregnant_," Fin reminded her. "And Stabler's the father...and I had to hear it from Nick. Then Dodds comes in here and announces you're resting because of complications and he's looking for someone to replace you…and you never said anything to me. I thought we were closer than that."

Olivia shrugged, "We are…" she sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to announce it yet…in case…you know, I'm forty-six…this might not work out…"

"Hey, now…" Fin's face softened. "Don't say that. I'm sure everything will be fine."

Olivia took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "I hope…I'm just worried…"

"Mothers always worry," Fin smiled. "How's Stabler taking all this? He probably freaked, didn't he? Man...he has the worst luck when it comes to birth control..."

Olivia shook her head, "This isn't really a normal situation, Fin." She wasn't sure she should fill him in on all the details but finally decided to get to the truth. "Elliot…we're not…I mean…"

"Whatever you're trying to say, just spill it?" Fin replied with frustration.

"He donated sperm to me," she said and she watched his face grimace. "It was a long time ago…and I froze some embryos. I never used them…honestly at this point I never thought I would, but the cryobank was closing down and they asked me to donate them…and I couldn't do it. So I used them."

"What the hell?" Fin asked closing his eyes and then opening them, unable to take in what she was saying. "You do know you already have a baby, right? How the hell are you gonna manage all this? I mean, I assumed it was an accident…a surprise…but you did this on purpose?"

"I deserve the chance to carry my own children," she said, more defensively than she expected. "Those embryos were a part of me…a part of Elliot…I couldn't just give them away. I had to try…"

"So are you leaving?" Fin asked. "Doing the stay at home mom thing…or something…"

Olivia shook her head, "No…" she sighed. "I don't think so…I need to work. I need my job. Elliot and I…we're not a couple. I only told him about the pregnancy because Eli has leukemia and needs a donor and I thought maybe we'd have a match." Her eyes were teary, and she tried to keep from crying, "I'm having twins…"

"_What_?" Fin's eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

She nodded, letting a tear slide down her cheek and quickly brushing it away, "That wasn't supposed to happen…but it did…and now the babies might not be able to help Eli because it is hard to get cord blood from twins. And Elliot says he wants to be their father, but really he only wants to make sure I don't change my mind about helping Eli. We had a fight on Christmas…and I haven't seen him since…"

"What did you fight about?" Fin asked.

"It doesn't matter," Olivia said sadly. "But I'm on my own…I'm going to have three children, on my own…"

"You're not on your own," Fin said gently. He reached across the desk, squeezing her hand and giving a wink, "You have all of us…"

"Even though I did this on purpose?" she asked. "Even though you think it was wrong?"

"I don't think it was wrong," Fin promised. "I was just surprised…I guess the situation makes me a little uncomfortable…but I'll get over it and what I think doesn't matter anyway…I do think you'll be a great mom. In fact...I know you will. You already are and Noah deserves to be a big brother."

"Thanks…sometimes, I think I made a big mistake," she said, rubbing her temples and closing her eyes. "I wasn't prepared for the pregnancy…the morning sickness…exhaustion…hormones...and I'm only eight weeks…"

"It'll get easier," Fin told her. "Until you start getting really big, and then it'll be miserable in a new way." He laughed, "I have a feeling you're not going to be easy to work for…"

"Shut up, Fin," she snickered.

"See…it's starting already," he laughed. Then he stood up and smiled, walking toward the door. "You take it easy…and let me know if you need help with anything. Me, Nick, Amanda…we're all here for you. You don't have to go through this by yourself."

"Thanks…" she whispered.

**_December 31, 2014 8:45 PM_**

She wanted to go home…more than anything, she wanted to ring in the New Year cuddled up in comfortable sweats with her son. Yet here it was, fourteen hours into the New Year's Eve shift and there was no sign of things slowing down enough to allow her to leave early. It took a while, but eventually the day became the typical hustle and bustle she'd grown to expect working SVU on this night, and after talking to witnesses and victims for hours on end, she'd told the rest of the squad she had paperwork to attend to and had resigned to the quiet comfort of her office. At least she could close her eyes for a few minutes. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so tired.

Her phone buzzed and she picked it up, smiling at the picture of Noah in his Happy New Year hat that Lucy had sent her. She didn't know what she'd do without the babysitter. This girl had been a God-send…always willing to stay late or come in early…sometimes even in the middle of the night. She'd given up her New Year's Eve to stay with Noah, and even though Olivia paid her well for it she wasn't sure there were many people who would be as dedicated to a babysitting job as Lucy was. Olivia hadn't told her about the pregnancy yet. She was scared…scared of losing the one person she'd grown to depend on to help out, because as good as Lucy was with Noah, this was still just a job to her, and there was no way she'd want to take on three babies, Olivia was sure of that, and she couldn't blame her. She wasn't sure she could handle three babies, and they were her own children. The thought was overwhelming more often than not.

"Hey Liv…" Nick's voice brought her back from her thoughts and she glanced up at him. "There's some woman here to see you. She says she'll only talk to you…it's personal I think." He looked seriously at her, "You look tired. Do you want me to try to get her to talk to me?"

"No," Olivia cleared her throat and forced a smile, "Send her in."

Nick nodded, motioning the woman into the office and he saw Olivia's whole demeanor change with the woman's presence in the room. He reluctantly left them alone, glancing at them through the office window as the woman sat in the chair across from Olivia's desk.

"Kathy…" Olivia sighed, "What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

Kathy shook her head, "No…I was in the city for a New Year's thing with some friends from work…I just wanted to stop by…"

"Why?" Olivia asked, realizing it sounded too blunt. "I mean…is there a reason you needed to see me?"

"I just…" Kathy struggled to find the right words, "I wanted you to know…I'm sorry about Christmas…"

Olivia shook her head, "Don't be…you have every right to be angry…so do the kids…and I didn't leave because of any of you. I left because of Elliot and he knows why…"

Kathy shook her head, "He doesn't…" she sighed. "Olivia…he's really clueless sometimes. I know how bad it sounded, him going on and on about the twins helping Eli and saying he didn't care how miserable you are as long as you make it to term…but he didn't mean to hurt you. He doesn't think sometimes…"

"He never thinks," Olivia sputtered. "Kathy…I'm sorry I didn't check with you about the sperm. I believed him that he'd asked you. Maybe I was naïve, but I really thought you were okay with it, or I wouldn't have done it."

"I know that," Kathy sighed. "And I shouldn't have been so worked up about it now anyway. Elliot and I have been divorced for a while. It shouldn't bother me anymore…but Olivia, he's a mess right now. He misses you."

"He misses me?" Olivia asked. "How the hell can he miss me? He didn't miss me all the years he just disappeared from my life without a single phone call or email…anything. But now, after seeing me off and on for a week or so…he misses me?" She rolled her eyes in frustration.

"He's worried about you," Kathy went on. "About how sick you are, with no one there to help. And he said he's tried calling you and texting you, but you won't respond or answer your phone and he's afraid of pushing you farther away." She shook her head, "He went back to DC last night."

"He what?" Olivia asked with surprise. "What about Eli?"

Kathy shook her head, "He's feeling a little better…and Elliot thought it would make more sense for him to go back to work, and then come back closer to time for the cord blood transplant…if you're still willing to do that…"

"Of course I'm doing that," Olivia said quickly. "What happens between me and Elliot has nothing to do with whether or not I want to help Eli. But you do know the chance of the twins being able to donate is less than we'd hoped?"

"I know," Kathy sighed. "But I'm still hoping." She gave a weak smile, "Can you do me a favor? Call Elliot…tell him you're doing okay. Don't tell him I came to check on you, but just tell him everything is all right. He needs to hear from you."

"I don't want to talk to him," Olivia admitted. "I can't have him in my life right now."

"He's afraid," Kathy said gently. "Of losing Eli…but also of losing you and these babies…"

"He lost me a long time ago," Olivia shook her head sadly. "And it was his choice. I can't go through that again…and I won't put my children through it. The things he said at Christmas, they hurt me…but really all I could think of was how my kids deserve better than a father who only wants them for their DNA."

"Olivia…that's really not true," Kathy said sadly. "He's made mistakes…but he's a good father. No one can deny that."

"He is a good father," Olivia agreed. "To your kids…not to mine." She picked up a file folder, glancing at it in an attempt to mask the tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry…I need to get back to work. We're swamped tonight."

Kathy stood up, heading to the door, "I have to get home anyway. Liz is staying with Eli, but I want to ring in the New Year with him." She reached for the door handle, but turned back to Olivia, "I really am sorry about Christmas," she said. "I'm so grateful for what you're doing for my son…and I should've said that before now."

Olivia nodded, but didn't say anything as she pretending to look over the paperwork. When she heard the door close, she looked up tearfully. She was not going to call Elliot…she wouldn't go through all of that again…

**_December 31, 2014 11:35PM_**

"I'm home…" Olivia whispered as she made her way into the apartment. She saw Lucy, sitting on the sofa watching a New Year's Eve special and Noah was sound asleep in his crib.

"You're early," Lucy smiled, standing to her feet and Olivia nodded. She wasn't going to tell the girl that she'd been forced to go home because she wasn't allowed to work so many hours in a row due to her pregnancy and when the chief had found out she was still there after sixteen hours he'd threatened to take her job away completely, fearing she'd sue the NYPD if anything happened to her babies because of the long hours and added stress of the New Year's shift.

"We weren't as busy as usual," Olivia lied. "It's still pretty early…you could still go out…" she looked at her watch, as the girl grabbed her things.

"Thanks," she grinned. "Noah's been asleep for a while. He missed you at bedtime though."

Olivia smiled and nodded, watching the girl leave and then locking the door behind her. Then she peeked at her son in his crib, running her fingers gently across his cheek, and slowly making her way to the bedroom to get ready for bed. She pulled off her blouse, planning to slip her comfortable nightshirt on instead, but something caught her eye and she stared at herself in the mirror. She looked at her body, running her hand along her stomach until she reached the waist of her slacks. She'd struggled to button them that morning, which had become the new morning routine for her, but sometime in the afternoon she'd made her hourly trip to the ladies room and discovered she couldn't rebutton them at all, no matter how she shifted of maneuvered, she couldn't force her pants to fasten and had gone the whole rest of the day with her slacks unbuttoned. She'd been reading a book on twin pregnancy that suggested women carrying multiples would show much earlier, but it also said bloating throughout the day could leave a woman looking more pregnant by afternoon and evening than she did in the morning, and Olivia could only assume that was what was happening to her now. "I need new clothes," she sighed, slipping off her pants and pulling the nightshirt over her head. She cringed at the way the fabric pulled at her chest, her breasts spilling out from the plunging V-neck, and she started to cry…softly at first, but then long, hard sobs.

Her phone rang, and she answered it without looking at the number, assuming it was work and trying to muffle her tears, "Benson…" she said, her voice tearful and weak.

"Liv?" Elliot's voice echoed through the phone and she cleared her throat, trying to rid the tears from her voice. "Olivia…what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Nothing's wrong," she insisted. "Why are you calling? I told you to give me some space…"

"I just wanted to say Happy New Year," Elliot answered. "It's been a week…I wanted to check on you…"

"I'm fine…" Olivia sniffled. "The babies are too…we're all fine." She couldn't stop her tears from flowing and all she wanted to do was hang up and curl up under her covers and sob.

"You're not fine," Elliot argued. "You're crying…what's the matter? Just tell me…"

Olivia's voice shook through her tears, "I'm fat…okay…I'm crying because I'm so damn fat. I can't button my pants, my boobs hurt, my bra doesn't fit…nothing fits…" she sobbed.

"Olivia…calm down," Elliot said softly. "It's okay…"

"No it's not," she cried. "I'm scared…I think I made a mistake…"

"I think you're tired…" Elliot said sincerely. "And a little hormonal…and maybe you had a rough day at work…"

Olivia shook her head, "I don't have time to go buy new clothes…" she sobbed.

Elliot smiled slightly, knowing this was nothing more than a normal mood swing, but he wished he was there to help her through it, "Liv…calm down. You can always wear leggings or sweats or something for a few days and order some clothes online. Or take the morning off and go shopping if you want. Don't stress yourself out over this…it isn't healthy for you or the twins."

"I don't know if I can do this, Elliot," she admitted. "People are treating me differently…and I hate that. I told Fin you donated sperm to me…and he was disgusted…he acted all weird…" she cried. "I'm some sort of freak now…"

"Liv, I'm back in DC right now," Elliot said gently. "But I can get back to New York tomorrow morning. Do you want me to come back? I don't want you feeling like this…all on your own."

"No," she sighed. "We need time apart."

"You keep saying that," he argued. "But I don't think it's true. We need to be together… so I can help you."

"I'll be fine in the morning…I just need some sleep," she said, drying her tears and leaning back on the bed. The distant sound of noisemakers, whistles, and fireworks let her know the new year had officially begun. "Happy New Year…" she whispered.

"Happy New Year," Elliot echoed. "We have a lot to look forward to this year," he reminded her.

"I need time, El," she said matter-of-factly. "I'm sorry…but I need time to get used to all of this. Nothing is going the way I planned…"

"I know," he admitted, "But promise me you'll call if you need me. Please…"

"Okay," she reluctantly agreed. She heard Noah crying in the other room, obviously awakened by the New Year's celebrations happening outside. "I have to go, El…the baby's crying…"

"All right," he sighed. "But Liv…please answer when I call, okay…or respond to your texts. I want to know you're okay."

"I will," she agreed, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he said gently. "Happy New Year."

**More to come...sooner rather than later this time! :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks so much for all the reviews. I appreciate everyone who is reading, and I really look forward to the reviews and knowing what people are thinking about the storyline/characters. I'm doing my best to update more frequently than I was before Christmas...so here you go! I hope you like it :)**

**_January 28, 2015 9:00AM_**

"Noah…it's okay sweetie…" Olivia spoke gently to the baby as she held him close, swaying him back and forth in the hope of calming his cries. Nothing was working. She'd spent half the night with him in the ER, praying he'd recover quickly from his latest asthma attack and relieved when they'd finally been sent home, but the bronchitis that had triggered the attack in the first place wasn't better and the antibiotics the doctor had prescribed hadn't kicked in yet. The poor baby was miserable. "Mommy's here…" she whispered. "I'm staying here with you all morning…I promise."

She'd called Lucy early that morning to tell her she was staying home with Noah for the morning and asking her to come watch him for a few hours in the afternoon while she went to an appointment. The girl was used to the baby being sick, ever since his first asthma attack months ago, and took good care of him when he was ill, but today Olivia wanted to stay with him herself. She was exhausted from the night at the hospital and she looked forward to cuddling up with her son and napping for a while. Besides, at twelve weeks the pregnancy was beginning to present new challenges and she knew she couldn't hide it from anyone anymore. She had an appointment that afternoon, the first one with her regular obstetrician since the fertility specialist had released her after her last appointment, and when she heard once and for all that she was safely moving into the second trimester, she would officially announce her pregnancy to the whole squad and talk to Lucy about her willingness to stay on and care for three babies instead of just one, even though she knew everyone was already suspicious of her pregnancy. The SVU detectives all knew, and not a day went by when she didn't catch some of the uniformed officers or lawyers whispering as she walked by. The day before she'd noticed Lucy staring at her when she handed Noah off to her in the morning, and had quickly pulled her coat around her in an attempt to hide the obvious, but she knew baggy clothes and a jacket weren't going to hide the twins forever. She already felt huge.

Noah finally gave in to sleep and Olivia put him down carefully in the crib, stroking his warm forehead with her hand. She wished his fever would break so he could start feeling better. She'd never felt as helpless as she did caring for her sick child and she longed for him to be well again. A quick knock at the door startled her and since she wasn't expecting anyone she made her way slowly to the door, peering out the peek-hole and sighed, "Elliot…what are you doing here?" she asked through the door without making an attempt to open it.

"I went by the station," he said, "but Fin told me you were staying home today. Are you okay? Let me in."

She rolled her eyes and unlocked the door, pulling it open and staring at him, "I'm fine," she insisted. "Noah's sick, so I stayed home…what are you doing here?" She'd kept her promise to answer her phone and texts, but she'd also made it clear she wasn't ready to see him again any time soon. She'd thought he'd accepted that until now.

"Eli had an appointment yesterday…and I came for it. I was going to leave this morning, but I haven't seen you in a month, Liv…I just wanted to say hi," he flashed his usual grin and she shook her head in defeat and motioned him in.

"How's Eli doing?" she asked, walking over to the sofa and sitting down, grabbing a pillow and putting it behind her back.

"He's doing well," Elliot answered, sitting next to her. "The doctor says things look good. The cancer is in remission for now, but it's already come back once. He thinks there's a significant chance it will return within the year." His face was pale, but he forced a weak smile, "But he's good right now…and that's what we have to focus on. He went back to school last week."

"That's great," Olivia smiled. She knew he was thinking about the possibility that the twins might match Eli, but he was also doing his best not to bring it up…and she appreciated that.

"What about you?" he asked. "How are you feeling?" He glanced at her stomach, smiling at the way she'd tried to hide the pregnancy with oversized sweats, "You look good."

"Thanks," she sighed, running her hand over her stomach and letting the slight bulge take shape under her hand, "I feel like a blimp."

"You don't look like a blimp," Elliot assured her, reaching his hand out, "Can I?" he asked, not sure if she would mind if he touched her or not, thinking about Christmas Eve when they'd been comfortable enough together that he'd tickled her until she nearly peed her pants, but things were different now. She nodded and he let his hand rest on the slight swell of her stomach, "Wow…I bet you can't wait for them to start kicking."

She laughed, "I swear…as big as I am you'd think I'd be able to feel them, but all the books say twins don't start kicking any earlier than singletons."

"I could've told you that," Elliot leaned back on the sofa, "This isn't my first go around with twins…remember…"

"Yeah…I know," Olivia said, standing up and walking over to the crib to check on her son, feeling his forehead for any sign that his fever was breaking. "Elliot…why are you here? I asked you to give me some space."

"I told you," he stood up and walked over to her, staring down at the sleeping baby, "I wanted to check in with you…see how you're feeling. That's all…"

"Well I feel fine," she insisted. "So you can go back to DC and I'll call you…"

"Liv…" he grabbed her hand. "Can't we just talk? Why are you pushing me away?"

"My son is sick," she sighed. "I was at the ER with him all night…I'm tired…"

"The ER?" Elliot asked, looking down at the sleeping baby. "What's wrong?"

"He has bronchitis," Olivia said, running her fingers through the baby's soft brown hair. "And it aggravated his asthma…"

"He has asthma?" Elliot asked. "That sounds serious…"

"It is," Olivia told him. "But he's fine now. He's been in the hospital a couple of times, but they sent him home this time so he's going to be fine."

"You haven't been to sleep at all?" Elliot asked with concern and she shook her head in response. "Liv…get some rest. I'll stay and keep an eye on Noah…"

"No…I need to keep checking his temperature," she insisted.

"Liv, I can do that," Elliot argued. "You need to get some sleep. It isn't good for you to go without sleep. You don't want to get sick too."

"I have a doctor's appointment at one," she sighed. "And I need to find something to wear first…"

"You can still sleep for a couple of hours," Elliot suggested. "Who's watching Noah while you go to the doctor?"

"Lucy," Olivia put her hand to her stomach. "She's going to quit when I tell her I'm pregnant…I just know it…"

"She doesn't know?" Elliot's eyes widened. "Liv…it's not really easy to hide…"

She scowled at him, "Gee, thanks. Just what I needed today…for you to waltz in here and tell me how fat I am."

"That is not what I meant," he insisted. "But you are showing…twelve weeks with twins…no one could hide that…"

"I don't think she knows," Olivia argued. "But maybe she suspects something. I've been really careful about what I wear…and I try to keep my jacket on around her."

"Why?" Elliot asked. "You don't want your baby sitter to know your pregnant? That doesn't even make sense."

"She's going to quit," Olivia answered. "I need her. I have to have someone to take care of Noah while I work."

"Well what about when the twins get here?" he asked. "What are you planning to do then?"

"I don't know," Olivia sputtered, "I have no idea…"

"You need to get a plan in place," Elliot reminded her. "It's not easy finding childcare for one baby…let alone three…"

"I know that!" Olivia yelled, but Noah stirred in his crib, opening his eyes and moaning softly before closing them again, so she lowered her voice. "I'm trying to figure all this out. Please just leave me alone."

"Liv…I'm not trying to upset you," he said honestly. "I want to help. Go lay down and I'll watch the baby…okay? Get some sleep and you'll feel better."

She wanted to argue, to tell him to leave, but she could tell he was going to be stubborn and she was too exhausted to fight. "I need to get up by 11:30…" she sighed. "To get ready and make it to the appointment on time."

"I'll wake you up," he promised. She nodded and walked toward the bedroom, but he called after her, "Liv…can I come…to the appointment?" he asked.

She turned and looked at him, and nodded before making her way into her room.

**_January 28, 2015 11:30AM_**

Elliot stood at the side of the bed, watching her sleep. He hated to wake her. She looked so peaceful, but he knew she had to get ready for her appointment. "Liv…" he whispered, tapping her arm gently. "Liv…wake up…" her eyes fluttered open and she stared groggily at him. "It's 11:30…"

"Already?" she asked, forcing herself to a sitting position. "I'm still so tired."

"You need more sleep," Elliot added, offering his hand to help her out of bed.

She pushed his hand away and pulled herself up, "I'm not that big yet," she sighed. "I can still get myself out of bed."

"I wasn't implying that you couldn't," he insisted. "I just wanted to help."

She walked over to the window, looking outside, "Man…it's really coming down out there. How long has it been snowing like that?"

"A couple of hours," Elliot said, sitting down on the bed and watching her stretch the kinks out of her back. "According to the weather report it might get pretty bad."

Olivia walked to the closet, looking through her clothes and groaning in disgust, "I hate getting dressed" she admitted. "I wish I could wear sweats all day, every day."

She pulled out a pair of jeans, looking at them with frustration and Elliot laughed, "You're gonna wear those?" he asked. "I'm afraid you might squish the babies."

"God El…you really don't know when to shut up, do you?" she tossed the jeans on the bed next to him and pulled out a red sweater. "I'm not going to button them…so the twins won't be smooshed…" She pulled a piece of fabric out of her drawer and held it up for him to see, "Belly band…the miracle clothing item for pregnant women everywhere."

"What the hell is that?" he asked.

"I pull it up over my jeans and it holds them in place, even though they're not buttoned," she explained.

"Why don't you just wear maternity clothes?" Elliot asked curiously.

"Because then everyone will know I'm pregnant," she explained.

"And you don't think they can tell that now?" he asked seriously.

"Would you leave please?" she sputtered. "So I can get dressed."

Elliot walked back into the living room, picking up Noah who was awake and playing in his crib. "Are you feeling better, little man?" he asked and the baby snuggled up next to him. A few minutes later, Olivia emerged from the bedroom, dressed in her jeans and sweater and Elliot smiled, "You look nice," he said sincerely. "You barely look pregnant…"

"Shut up, El," she sat down slowly beside him and he realized the belly band didn't hold her jeans in place as comfortably as she'd let on. She reached for the baby and he handed him to her, "How's he doing?" she asked, feeling his forehead, "I think his fever's down."

"I took his temp about thirty minutes ago," Elliot told her. "100.2…maybe the medicine is starting to work."

"I hope so," Olivia kissed the baby on the cheek and the little boy coughed a rough, deep cough. "God, I hate it when he's sick."

"I know you do," Elliot said gently. "But he's gonna be okay."

Olivia handed the baby back to him, standing to her feet and pulling her jeans up, fidgeting with them until they were situated into place, "I need to find my jacket before Lucy gets here," she said, walking over to the hall closet and looking for it.

"Liv…what have you been wearing to work?" Elliot asked.

"Leggings…wrap dresses…slacks with the belly band a few times, but it didn't work out too well," she admitted. She shook her head and sighed, "Everyone knows. They stare at me…whisper behind my back…" she looked tearfully at him, "I'm so fat…"

"You are _not_ fat," Elliot put Noah carefully in his playpen and wrapped Olivia in his arms. "You're pregnant…and I don't know why you keep trying to keep it a secret. I thought you were happy about the babies."

"I am," she insisted, "But I'm single and everyone knows I just adopted Noah. They're gonna think it was wrong for me to do this."

"Why should you care what they think?" Elliot asked. "It's none of their damn business…" he put his hand on her stomach and smiled, "Besides, I think these two are pretty determined to make themselves known sooner rather than later."

Olivia's phone rang and she grabbed it, pulling away from Elliot's grasp and answering it, "Lucy?" she asked. "Where are you?" Elliot watched as Olivia walked to the window and looked outside, "Oh no…" she sighed, "No…it's fine…yeah, Noah's feeling better…stay inside where it's warm," she put her phone down and looked at Elliot with an exasperated sigh, "She can't get through the snow…are the roads really that bad?"

Elliot clicked on the TV, while Olivia picked Noah up from the play pen and sat next to him. Every station was flooded with weather bulletins about the snow storm, listing businesses that were closing and streets that had been blocked off due to the snow. "New York City…closing down for a snow storm?" Elliot shook his head, "I can't believe this."

"I guess I should call and cancel my appointment," Olivia said grabbing her phone and dialing, but all she got was a recording saying the office had closed and they would call to reschedule appointments. "Glad I called, before trying to make it to the appointment," she said.

"Do you have everything you need for the baby?" Elliot asked nervously. "His medicine and everything? Looks like we might be stuck here a while."

Olivia nodded, "Yeah, his medicine is in the cabinet, and we have plenty of food and everything." She walked over to the window, Noah cuddled in her arms and stared out at the blanket of white.

**_January 28, 2015 8:30 PM_**

The baby's cough was deep and painful, causing him to cry out with each one, and then leading to more coughing and gasps for breath. Olivia was frantic. Her son was sick…too sick…and there was no way to get him the help he needed. The roads were snow packed, most of the city had shut down, and even the police and ambulances weren't able to respond to calls in a timely manner. She'd had numerous calls all afternoon from Fin, asking what to do about certain cases during the storm, but even he'd stopped calling. The apartment was quiet with the exception of Noah's coughs and gasps for breath.

"How's he doing?" Elliot asked, coming out of the bathroom and seeing Olivia holding the baby close to her, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"He's so sick, El," she cried. "He can't breathe."

"He's breathing…" Elliot tried to assure her. "He's just coughing a lot." He felt the baby's forehead, "He feels warm again…but maybe it's from the coughing." He handed her the medicine he'd grabbed from the medicine cabinet and she filled the dropper with the liquid and put it in her son's mouth, waiting for him to swallow, but the coughing made it difficult and most of it came back up.

"El, I think he's getting worse," she cried. "I don't know what to do."

"Bring him in here," Elliot walked toward the bathroom and Olivia followed him, Noah cradled in her arms. He pushed open the door and steam floated out, "Get in here before you let the steam out," he said, and he pulled the door behind them. "I turned the shower on…hot water, full blast…Just sit with him, and let him inhale the steam. It'll help…I promise…"

Olivia sat on the toilet lid, holding Noah close to her and the boy's coughing settled some. She looked down at him and then back up at Elliot who was standing over them, "I think it's working…" she whispered. The baby coughed again, but he stopped crying and Olivia rocked him back and forth, "You're okay, sweetie," she promised him. "You're gonna be fine…"

"He is going to be fine," Elliot smiled gently, rubbing his finger across the baby's cheek and he started to drift off to sleep. "Keep him awake for a while," Elliot said. "Just so we can make sure he's breathing right."

Olivia nodded, sitting the baby up and the little boy opened his eyes and looked around the foggy bathroom. An hour later, the baby was breathing normally, had taken his medicine, and was sleeping soundly in his crib. "I'm all sweaty and gross from the steam," Olivia sighed, pulling at her sweater.

"Why don't you go get ready for bed," Elliot suggested. "I'll keep an eye on him a while longer."

Olivia nodded, making her way into the bedroom and changing into a pair of pink plaid pajama pants and a purple tank top the hugged her curves in a way that had embarrassed her since she'd started looking pregnant, but she was hot and tired and decided not to let it bother her for one night. She walked back into the living room, staring as Elliot stroked her son's cheek and she was grateful he'd been there to help. She would never have thought to use the shower to clear Noah's lungs the way Elliot had. In her heart she knew he'd saved her son. "How's he doing?" she asked, walking over to them.

Elliot turned to look at her, smiling at the fact that he was finally seeing her in something other than baggy sweats and sweaters, "He's fine, Liv…" he said gently. "How are you? I know you were scared…"

"I'm okay now," she insisted. "I was so scared, but I'm grateful to you…" her eyes filled with tears. "You saved my baby."

"Olivia, he would've been fine," Elliot promised. "I just helped him stop coughing." He ran his hand along the back of his neck, "I guess since I'm stuck here for the night, I should find something to wear to bed…"

"I have sweats," Olivia suggested. "The ones I had on earlier…they're men's sweats. I just grabbed them at work because they were baggie enough to hide all this," she ran her hand over the swell of her stomach.

"You shouldn't hide it," Elliot smiled. "You look pretty cute with the babies showing…"

"Come on…" she motioned him toward the bedroom. "I'll get them for you."

Elliot changed into the sweat pants, but decided against the shirt, opening the bathroom door and finding Olivia standing there waiting for him. "Liv…you okay?" he asked. "Is something wrong?"

She shook her head, "No…I was just waiting on you. I'm starving…so I was wondering…it's really late…what do you want for dinner?"

"Oh…I didn't even think about dinner," Elliot admitted. He looked at her standing there and smiled, "Of course you're starving…eating for three…"

She rolled her eyes, "I was thinking about making some frozen pizza. I just wondered if you wanted some too."

"Frozen pizza," Elliot shrugged. "Not exactly the gourmet meal I'd hoped for..." he teased.

"Well I'm too tired to cook something gourmet, but if I don't eat soon, I'm gonna get sick," Olivia admitted. "So frozen pizza it is."

"God, this storm is crazy," Elliot said, watching the news report when Olivia walked in with the pizza separated onto two plates. "Thanks," he said, grabbing his plate and taking a bite. Then he looked at her and smiled, "Have you been craving pizza a lot?" he asked.

"I don't know," she admitted, taking a bite. "Sometimes I guess…why?"

"Because…the day you told me you were pregnant you were eating pizza," he reminded her. "Remember…right before you started puking in the hospital bathroom?"

"Can you not mention that?" she grimaced. "My stomach still has its moments…"

"Is the morning sickness still bad?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shook her head, "Not too bad. I'm usually queasy when I wake up, but if I eat something right away I'm okay. If I don't…it gets worse." She sighed, "And anytime during the day…if I'm hungry and I don't eat…I get sick."

"Then eat," Elliot insisted. "I don't want you throwing up because I kept you from eating your pizza."

Olivia laughed and took a bite, just as the lights flickered and the TV shut off. The room was dark, but the white glow from the snow outside shone through the window. "Oh no…" she sighed, looking at Elliot nervously. "A power outage? Just what we need."

"It'll come back on," Elliot insisted, but after an hour it hadn't and the room was getting cold.

"There's no heat without the electricity," Olivia cringed. "Noah's going to get sicker."

"No he's not," Elliot said seriously. "He has warm pajamas, and you can put him in bed with you to help him stay warm. Do you have extra blankets?"

"In the hall closet," Olivia said, and Elliot grabbed them while she picked up the baby. She carried him to her room and cuddled in bed with him, while Elliot covered them both with an extra blanket. "El…" she whispered. "What about you?"

"I grabbed a blanket," he told her. "I'll be fine on the couch."

"With one blanket?" Olivia asked him.

"I'm warm blooded," he smiled. "Goodnight…" he walked toward the door, but she called him back.

"El…you should stay with us," she suggested. "We'll all be warmer if we stay together."

"I don't know, Liv," he sighed. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I want you to stay," she insisted. "Please…we'll all be warmer if we sleep in here together."

Elliot climbed in bed beside her, wrapping her in his arms while she held Noah close in hers. It was a matter of seconds before he heard her snoring softly next to him, and all he could do was smile at the gentle, sweetness of the sound. "Liv…" he whispered, but he knew she was sleeping and wouldn't answer him. "I love you…" he let the words escape from his lips and wished she was awake to hear them. Then he slowly moved his hand, letting it rest on her stomach, lifting the thin cotton of her tank top and spreading his fingers across the warmth of her skin, "I love you two, too," he said gently. "I'm so glad I'm your daddy…I swear I am…" he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

**More to come...very soon hopefully!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello all! Happy New Year's Eve! I hope everyone has fun, exciting plans for the night. I am stuck at home in bed sick, but at least it gave me time to write. ;)**

**Thanks so much for all the kind reviews. I am glad people are enjoying the direction the story is heading. My goal was to write a lot more over my break...but here it is already Wednesday and this one chapter seems to have taken me forever, and I go back to work Monday. I don't know why I am struggling so much to get this story out, but I hope it will be worth it in the end.**

**Enjoy...and let me know what you think. Thanks :)**

**PS: Sorry to those who had an alert for this and then couldn't access the chapter. I'm not sure what the trouble is. I thought it was the site, but I see other stories that were updated after mine with the new chapters, so I am attempting to re-post it. I hope it works.**

**PPS: This is my third and final attempt of the night. If it doesn't work, I will cry myself to sleep and try again tomorrow. I hope you all have better things to do tonight than check here for updates. (I don't...but I wish a more exciting NYE for all of you!)**

**_January 29, 2015 2:15AM_**

Elliot felt the rustle of the blankets on the bed and opened his eyes as Olivia quickly pulled herself away from him with a startled gasp. She sat up, and he squinted to try to make out her expression in the dark. He was worried about the way she'd jolted awake. "Liv…you okay?" he asked, sitting up himself and waiting for her to turn to face him. She had her hand on her stomach, and her breathing was erratic, but she didn't say anything and he reached out and placed his hand on top of hers. "Hey…what's wrong? Is it the babies?" he asked nervously.

She turned to look at him, "I'm fine," she said with a quiver. Then she pushed his hand away from her and climbed over Noah who was sleeping at her side, until her feet were on the floor. "I need to go to the bathroom. That's all…"

He watched her walk unsteadily out of the room and he wasn't sure she was being truthful. The room was dark and cold, and he pulled the blanket up around Noah, checking his head and feeling relieved that his fever seemed to be gone. After a few minutes, he climbed out of bed, shivering a little at the chill in the room and walked to the hall, listening outside the bathroom door at the water running in the sink. He tapped gently on the door, "Liv…you've been in there a while. You sure you're all right?"

She opened the door, staring at him with her face damp from the water she'd splashed on it and sighed, "I told you…I had to pee. I'm pregnant…I wake up a million times a night…"

"Why is your face wet?" he asked, staring at the damp ringlets of hair surrounding her face. "Were you sick? If you don't feel well I can help…"

"I wasn't sick," Olivia pushed past him and down the hall toward her bedroom, opening the door and tripping on an empty laundry basket she'd forgotten was in the floor. "Dammit!" she yelled, kicking the basket across the floor until it crashed against the wall.

Elliot rushed over to her, grabbing her arm, "Olivia…what the hell…you're gonna wake up the baby."

"Leave me alone," she looked at him with an anger he'd never seen before and shoved him away from her. "Don't you touch me…" she sputtered, climbing into bed by her son and shaking as she pulled the covers over her.

"Olivia…" Elliot walked to the side of the bed, his voice a nervous whisper, "What's wrong? Something's wrong…"

She looked tearfully at him, shaking her head, but her voice was calmer, "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I guess I…" she sighed. "I don't feel so good. Can you get me some gingerale? The cranberry kind…it's in the fridge…"

"Sure…" Elliot could tell she was lying, but he didn't know how to get the truth out of her. He walked to the kitchen, trying not to stumble in the darkness and wondering if the power would ever come back on. He opened the refrigerator, which was dark due to the power outage and squinted his eyes until he found the pink cranberry gingerale, opening it and pouring some in a glass. Then he walked back to the bedroom and smiled weakly when he saw her sitting up, her hand on Noah's forehead. "I think his fever's gone," he said, handing her the glass and she took a small sip.

"Yeah…thank God," she sighed, "Thanks for the gingerale. I feel better…"

"Can I sit here?" he asked, patting the side of the bed, unsure how she'd respond.

"Yeah…of course…" she whispered. "I'm sorry about all that…I just felt bad…"

"Liv…what was that?" he asked, sitting next to her. "That wasn't feeling bad. What's wrong with you?"

She took another sip of her gingerale and shook her head, "It was nothing, El. Really…I had a bad dream and when I woke up, I just…" she exhaled slowly. "I just didn't feel well. I swear…that's all."

"Liv, you looked panicked. You shoved me…that wasn't a bad dream," he insisted. "You need to tell me what's happening. Are you in pain? The babies…"

"It has nothing to do with the babies," Olivia assured him. "It was a flashback…okay," she let her tears fall. "And I haven't had one in so long…but I was dreaming about it, and when I woke up you were touching me…"

"What?" Elliot asked, confused. "A flashback to what? Liv…what's going on?"

"To Lewis…" she said honestly, taking another sip of her drink before sitting the glass on the nightstand and burying herself down under the covers. "I just need to sleep now…okay…"

"Lewis?" Elliot asked. "Who the hell is that?"

"That sicko, William Lewis…" Olivia's eyes widened in disbelief, "You don't know?" she asked and she could tell by the confusion on his face that he didn't. She closed her eyes and sighed, "He was just a guy we were after…and things went wrong…but it's over…" Her voice quivered, "I can't talk about it. I thought you knew. The whole world knows…"

"Liv," he looked fearfully at her, putting his hand on her shoulder, "Honey…"

"Don't patronize me," she cried, pushing his hand away. "Please…just let me go to sleep."

"He hurt you…" he said knowingly, and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. "Please tell me…"

"No," she sniffled, closing her eyes and rolling away from him. "I need to sleep. I feel nauseous…the babies, you know. I'll call my therapist tomorrow if I need to…I promise…but tonight…" she cried. "I'm tired…"

The lights flickered on, the yellow glow streaming under the door and the TV was echoing from the other room. "Electricity is back on…" Elliot said, his head in a fog as he watched her pretend to sleep. "I'll go turn everything off. Will you be okay?"

"I'm fine," she mumbled, and he pretended to believe her even though he knew it wasn't true. "Can you turn the heat up? I'm freezing."

"Of course, you get some sleep…"he nodded and walked out the door.

**_January 29, 2015 4:00AM_**

Elliot turned up the thermostat, and clicked off all the lights, muting the sound on the television, grabbing Olivia's laptop from the coffee table and sitting back on the sofa, opening it and taking a deep breath. He quickly typed in the name William Lewis along with Olivia's name and gasped when article after article popped up on the screen. Most were from New York and New Jersey papers or television stations and ranged in date from May 2013 to May 2014. How the hell had this psychopath tortured her over and over again for a year without him hearing about it?

A picture stood out, accompanying the first article he'd clicked on…Olivia, wrapped in a blanket with Nick Amaro guiding her out of some building…probably a house of some kind. Her face was bruised and a bloody gash ran from the top of her head down the side. The look in her eyes was painful, grief-stricken, broken…it was the same look he'd seen from her in the bedroom and it made him nauseous. The next picture was probably from a day or so later…Olivia outside the police station while the media harassed her trying to get a statement or photos. Her arm was in a sling, and her bruises were a darker shade of purple, her eye was swollen shut…then he started to read the article, the details the reporter had been allowed access to and he knew from experience that the reality of the situation had to be a hundred times worse. He read article after sickening article…until he reached the end, the one that described in detail how Olivia had been forced to hold a gun to her own head and pull the trigger more than once while the devil himself watched on in delight, and the picture accompanying it showed her in the back of a police car, her face covered with fresh blood and he couldn't tell if it was hers or not. He felt his stomach lurch and ran to the bathroom, kneeling down and throwing up at the disgust of it all.

He stood up, flushing the toilet and turned to the sink, jumping a little when he saw her standing in the doorway. "Liv…why are you up?" he asked, trying to clear his throat and then running the water and rinsing his mouth.

"I heard something," she admitted, looking him over. "Are you okay? I thought I was the one who was supposed to puke every day. Why are you sick? Do you have a stomach bug?"

He shook his head and forced a weak smile, "I just ate something bad from the fridge…guess I should have known not to eat old take-out from your refrigerator. Lord knows how long it's been in there," he put his hand gently on the swell of her stomach, "Are you feeling okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine…" she said, looking at him and recognizing the look of pity and shame in his eyes, and she bit her bottom lip trying not to cry. "I don't think there were any leftovers in the fridge, El. I pretty much eat the whole helping of everything anymore."

"See…it was so old you don't even remember," he smirked. "I'm feeling better. Go back to bed…unless you need in here. Are you sure you feel okay? Your stomach isn't queasy? Cause you said you usually wake up feeling queasy…"

She shook her head, "I'm fine, El…why don't you come back to bed with me, okay…Noah and I are still cold."

"Okay," he nodded, "I was watching TV. Let me go turn it off and then I'll be in."

"I can do it," she offered. "You don't feel well…"

"I feel fine now," he assured her, wrapping his arms around her and looking into her eyes, "You go back to bed. Check on the baby and make sure he's still feeling okay. I'll be there in a minute." His eyes were blurred with tears he was fighting to hold back, but he could see the shame on her face, the realization that he knew what had happened and there was no going back.

**_January 29, 2015 6:30AM_**

He hadn't slept the rest of the night, thinking about the images on the computer, the articles he'd read, and wondering why he never knew. He'd been working in DC, and spent part of every spring on a training assignment out of state, but even if he hadn't been around when it happened his family knew…his friends knew…someone should've told him. She'd pretended to be asleep when he came back from turning off the TV and computer, but he knew she was awake too. It had taken a while for her breaths to return to the even snoring sound he'd chuckled at earlier in the evening. And then he'd turned toward her, watching her sleep and thanking God she was still alive after all she'd been through, but wondering if she was really truly the same person anymore.

Noah gave a small cough and then cried out, sitting up on the bed and Elliot reached for him. He held the little boy close, feeling his head and smiling at the realization that his fever was still gone. "Hey little one," he whispered. "Let's go get your medicine and change your diaper. Mommy needs to sleep."

He picked up the baby, carefully climbing out of bed and trying not to disturb Olivia, but she opened her eyes and looked at him, "What time is it?" she asked, her voice raspy with sleep. "I should feed him…"

"It's a little after six," Elliot whispered. "He's feeling better. I'm gonna give him his medicine and feed him. You go back to sleep for a while."

"I can do it," she said, not really attempting to get out of bed. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

"You rest," Elliot insisted. "And I'll bring you some breakfast too…all right?"

"Can you bring me gingerale?" she asked, rubbing her hand over her stomach. "The cranberry kind…"

"Sure," he smiled, leaning over and kissing her on the forehead. "I'll be right back."

It was half an hour later when he pushed the door open, Noah situated on his left hip, and a tray of food balanced in his right hand. Olivia sat up and looked at him, "You didn't need to go to that much trouble," she smiled, and he sat the baby next to her and put the tray down on the nightstand. "You made eggs?" she asked, grabbing the glass of gingerale and taking a sip.

"Please tell me you don't have some weird pregnancy aversion to eggs," he groaned, sitting next to her and putting Noah in his lap.

"I don't," she smiled. "They look good." She grabbed the plate and took a bite, "They taste good…I could get used to this."

He laughed, watching her take another drink of her gingerale, "Liv…why do you have fifteen two liter bottles of that cranberry gingerale in your kitchen? I was looking for things in the cabinet and kept finding bottle after bottle of it."

"I like it," she snickered. "Besides, I discovered it the day after Christmas, and I was afraid they might stop selling it after the holidays so I decided to stock up. It really helps with my morning sickness…better than the plain kind."

"Really?" he asked. "Sure you don't just like it because it's pink?"

She laughed, "Funny…No…that's not it. I swear…" she watched as he put some eggs on a spoon and fed them to Noah. The little boy seemed surprised by the taste, but smiled and ate them. "He likes them," she said. "I usually just give him cereal."

"He has to try new things," Elliot said, giving the baby another bite. "So he can decide what he likes."

"I'm always rushing around while I'm feeding him," Olivia admitted. "Makes it harder to let him try new things." She took another bite and then put the plate back on the tray, climbing down from the bed. "I have pee…" she said, rushing out of the room.

Elliot laughed, feeding the baby and talking softly to him. Olivia had been gone awhile when he looked up and saw her standing in the doorway, her face a pasty white. "Liv?" he asked, and she shook her head, walking over to him and tossing her laptop on the bed. "Liv…I can explain…"

"You didn't even delete your browsing history," she sputtered. "Just left it all there…"

"Why were you on the computer in the first place?" he asked. "I thought you were in the bathroom."

"I was…but then I remembered I needed to check my work email," she said, staring at him with an angry hurt in her eyes. "How could you? I told you I was fine…"

"You're never fine when you say you are…and I wanted to know what happened," Elliot admitted. He put the baby on the floor with a few of his toys and walked over to her. "Liv…I'm sorry…I didn't know…"

"Everyone knows, El…" she yelled. "Every damn person on this planet knows! They stare at me…they judge me…" she cried. "And you want to tell me you didn't know what happened?"

"I didn't," he whispered tearfully. "If I had known…God…" he had to stop to catch his breath. "I would've killed that son of a bitch with my bare hands. I would've made him suffer…"

"Just stop…" she cried and he grabbed her and held her close to him. "Elliot…please just leave me alone," she sobbed.

"I read the reports," he admitted. "And I know they're never as bad as the truth. What did he do to you? I want to know…I need to know…"

"You don't need to know," she argued. "No one needs to know. God…what is wrong with you?"

"Thinking about it makes me sick," he said softly. "I should've been there…"

"That's why you threw up last night," she said knowingly. "Thinking about it…made you _vomit_…thinking about me makes you sick to your stomach…"

"No, Liv," he shook his head. "Not you…_never you_…him…thinking about _him_ makes me sick…"

She tried to catch her breath, struggling to talk through her sobs, "_Where were you_?" she asked. "I kept thinking you would come back…that you'd help me…and you _didn't_…"

"Liv…" he cried, pulling her closer and running his fingers through her hair while she cried on his chest. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

She pulled away from him, sniffling and rubbing her eyes, making her way to the bed and sitting down, running her hand over her stomach, "I don't feel well…"

"Liv, don't do this," Elliot sat next to her and put his hand on top of hers. "Please…don't run away from this. We need to talk about it." He looked at her while she bit her lip nervously and stared blankly ahead, refusing to make eye contact with him. "Remember right before Christmas…when I said I loved you…that I always had? You said you didn't think we should rush into anything because we don't know each other anymore. This is what you were talking about…wasn't it?" She nodded reluctantly and he sighed, "Liv…you also said you didn't know _me_ anymore…you didn't know about my job or anything about my life in DC…and God, you're right…I don't know what I was thinking…"

"See," she glanced at him, her eyes red from crying. "I knew you couldn't accept who I am now."

"No…I'm talking about who I am, Liv…" he ran his hand along the back of his neck. "I live in DC…and I work for the FBI…"

"_You're_ FBI?" her eyes widened in disbelief, "You hate the damn Feds…you gave me all kinds of shit for working for them…and that's what you do now?"

"Liv…listen to me," he tried to explain. "When I left SVU…I didn't want to…I had no choice. They wouldn't let me work there anymore. They were gonna make me do all kinds of therapy and anger management and then they were gonna transfer me out…"

"Cragen fought for you," she argued. "He wasn't going to let them do that."

He shook his head, "He told you that?" he asked, and she nodded. "He lied to you, Liv. He wanted me gone…"

"No..I don't believe that," Olivia sputtered. "He said he loved you like a son."

"He told me the same thing," Elliot sighed, "And he said that's why I should leave. He didn't want to see me fall apart. He said I'd worked SVU too long and it was getting to me. Not everyone can handle it forever, Liv…I couldn't…he probably didn't have the heart to tell you that."

"Why didn't _you_ tell me?" she asked. "I would've understood."

"No you wouldn't have," he said seriously. "Because that place is more than a job to you…"

"It was more than a job to you too," she reminded him.

"But I didn't want it to be anymore," he admitted. "I didn't want that place to be the focus of my life…I needed out."

"So…FBI…" she sighed. "How the hell did that happen?"

He shrugged, "I'd had training…and I had contacts…it wasn't hard to get in…" He looked sadly at her, "Liv…every spring the FBI sends me to a training facility…all of us who go are completely cut off from our families and friends…I wasn't here when Lewis kidnapped you…either time. And I swear to you…no one ever told me." He looked tearfully at her and rubbed his hand over her stomach, "I wish I hadn't left. I really do. I should've been here."

"You really didn't know." She said as the realization hit. "I wish you hadn't found out like this…I wish you'd never found out…"

"You scared me when you woke up from that flashback," he said cautiously. "But when I read the articles…Liv, I'm sorry I got sick…but thinking about him hurting you…the pictures…"

"I survived," she said, more solemnly than she meant to, "I didn't think I would. I wasn't sure I wanted to…"

"You wanted to," he insisted. "Of course you wanted to…"

She shook her head, "I'm not sure I did…" her voice shook. "It took a year of therapy for me to even feel like I deserved to survive that…and the scars are still there…they always will be."

"The scars?" he asked, looking her over for any sign of the vicious attack.

"I don't mean the physical scars," she explained. "I have plenty of those too…mostly in places you can't see…" she cringed. "But there is a scar on my soul that will never go away. It's changed me…and I can't be the person I was before."

"You don't have to be," he said sincerely. "Be who you are now. I _love_ who you are now."

"No you don't," she sighed, standing up and walking over to the window, looking out at the soft blanket of white. She arched her back to ease some of the pressure and rubbed her neck with her hand and Elliot walked over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders and massaging them gently.

"I love who you are _now_," he said again. "You're a beautiful person…a good mom…and you're the strongest person I know…even stronger than you were before and I didn't think that was possible."

"I need you to be my friend Elliot," she whispered. "Not my savior…or my lover…or whatever the hell you think you want to be. I just need a friend…"

"I can do that," he smiled, wrapping his hands around her waist and feeling the warm, firm bulge of the babies beneath his hands.

"I don't know if I can be friends with a Fed," Olivia teased, turning around and looking at him with a smirk. "You see…my old partner…he told me not to trust them…"

Elliot laughed, "That guy sounds like a jerk."

"He kind of was," she chuckled. "But I loved him…" she leaned her head against his chest and he hugged her close, kissing the top of her head.

"You still do," Elliot whispered. "And he loves you too…he always will…"

**More to come...if I can get the kinks worked out with the uploading issue :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Happy New Year! I hope 2015 is off to an amazing start for everyone. I am still sick...but on the mend I hope.**

**I'm sorry for all the issues with the last update. I am sure it was a site issue, but I'm sad many people couldn't review due to the problem. I had several PMs from people saying they liked the chapter but it wouldn't let them review. :( I appreciate people letting me know, but unfortunately I could do nothing about it. Hopefully this chapter uploads properly and will allow the amazing readers to share their thoughts with me in a review. **

**I really hoped to get more posts up over my break, and it just didn't happen. I am planning to get one more post done over the weekend, but sadly I have to attend the funeral of a coworker tomorrow so it just might not happen. It's been a rough week and will probably be even harder when I go back to work and have to explain to my students about this teacher's passing over their winter vacation. :( So I will do my best to update with chapter 15 soon, but please be patient with me.**

**Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy the chapter.**

**_January 29, 2015 11:45AM_**

"He looks so much better," Elliot said, walking into the kitchen where Olivia was watching Noah feed himself mashed vegetables. He'd taken a shower and changed back into his own clothes, leaving the sweats in the laundry basket in her room, but Olivia was still in her pajamas and didn't seem in a rush to get dressed. "I'm glad he's feeling better."

"Me too," Olivia looked up at him and smiled. "I was so scared yesterday." She grabbed a baby wipe and cleaned off her son's face and hands before tossing his plastic dishes in the sink. "His asthma is going to be a challenge…forever…" She coughed slightly, clearing her throat. "I know some kids grow out of it eventually…but I'm worried he won't. He had a rough start in life…his birth mother was a junkie…"

Elliot nodded, "You're his mother now, and you'll take good care of him." He ruffled the baby's soft brown hair and looked at Olivia seriously, "You need a vaporizer, for when he has trouble breathing."

"I know," she sighed, picking up the baby and carrying him into the living room. "I meant to get one last time he was sick, but he ended up in the hospital and all I could think about was getting him well enough to come home. I guess I forgot." She sat back on the sofa, cuddling the baby up close to her. "I'll get one tomorrow…" She leaned forward and kissed the little boy softly, "You ready to take your nap, mister?" she asked and he sucked on his fingers and stared up at his mother, making no attempt to close his eyes. "Come on buddy," she pleaded. "It was a long night for all of us. You have to be tired…" she yawned. "Mommy's tired…"

"I should call the airport," Elliot said and she looked at him with confusion. "About my flight…I'm supposed to be back in DC tonight." She nodded and he picked up his cell phone and walked into the other room, prompting Olivia to pick up her own phone and dial the station. She'd called early that morning to say she wouldn't be in because of the closed roads and her sick child, but Fin hadn't called with any questions all morning and that wasn't like him.

Twenty minutes later she was still on the phone, "I don't know, Fin…" Olivia said with frustration as Elliot walked back in the room. "Yes…just do that…I'll be back tomorrow…" she hung up the phone and looked at him with a groan. "Fin hates being in charge…and I have to approve overtime for everyone who was stuck at the station last night," she sighed, "Dodds is gonna blow a gasket."

"He'll get over it," Elliot sat next to her and smiled at the baby who had finally fallen asleep. "He's out…you want me to put him in his crib?"

Olivia handed the baby to him and coughed, "What did you find out about your flight? Are you leaving?"

He put the baby down carefully in the crib and looked back at her, "No…the airport is closed until late tonight. I'm gonna leave in the morning...if you don't mind me staying here another night?"

She nodded, "I'm going back to work tomorrow too. I should call Lucy later and make sure she can get here." She let her hand rest on her stomach, "I think I'm going to tell her about the twins."

"Really?" Elliot asked, sitting next to her. "I think that's a good idea, but you said you didn't want to."

Olivia coughed again, harder this time and then cleared her throat to speak, "You said everyone can tell because of how fat I am anyway…" she leaned back and closed her eyes, resting her hand on her stomach as she coughed once more.

Elliot walked over and sat next to her, "Are you feeling all right?" he asked. "Are you getting sick?"

"I don't get sick," Olivia opened her eyes and yawned. "I'm just tired…and I have a tickle in my throat. I just need a drink." She started to get up, but he put his hand on her shoulder.

"I'll get it," he offered walking to the kitchen and pouring a glass of the pink gingerale she liked so much and bringing it back to her. "Here," he handed it to her and she took a drink. "And I didn't say people can tell because you're fat…I said you're starting to show now…and you are…"

"I feel fat," she admitted, sitting the drink on the coffee table and running her hand over her stomach. "Maybe if I could feel the twins…you know, be able to identify that they're in there or something…" she sighed, "But it feels like all of the sudden my clothes don't fit and my stomach just feels puffy and swollen and there's no sign of the babies…"

Elliot laughed, "Liv…being puffy and swollen is the sign the babies are there…you can't feel them for a while…that's just the way it is."

"I know," she sighed, coughing again…this time longer and harder than before.

Elliot reached out, putting his hand to her forehead, "I think you have a fever," he said seriously. "You caught Noah's crud…"

Olivia shook her head, "I'm fine," she argued. "I don't get sick."

"I've seen you sick before, Liv," he disagreed. "And pregnancy weakens your immune system. If you don't take care of yourself it's gonna get worse."

"El, I'm okay," she insisted. "A little cough isn't a big deal."

"And a fever," he reminded her. "It's not good for the babies. Let me help you back to bed…"

"No," Olivia argued. "I'll just lay here on the couch…watch some horrible daytime television. I want to be close to Noah in case he needs me."

"Liv…I'm here," he told her, "I can take care of Noah…and you…"

"I don't need you to," she argued.

"I want to…" Elliot said gently, walking into the bedroom and grabbing a pillow and the extra blanket from the night before and bringing them to the living room. "Here…" he helped her lift her head and placed the pillow under her and then wrapped the warm blanket around her. Then he gave her the TV remote and brushed her hair back, feeling her forehead again, "Do you need anything else? Are you hungry? You haven't had lunch."

"I don't feel like eating," she admitted and he nodded.

"See…" he said. "You're sick. I knew it…" But she didn't answer him. She just snuggled down under the covers and fell asleep.

**_January 29, 2015 2:30PM_**

"El…" she moaned, her voice raspy from the coughing, and he came over, sitting on the edge of the sofa and checking her forehead again. "What time is it?"

"2:30," he whispered. "You've been asleep a while. Do you feel better?"

She started coughing and couldn't seem to stop and he helped her take a sip of her gingerale, "I think I feel worse…" she reluctantly admitted and she rubbed her hand over the swell of her stomach, "My stomach hurts, El…"

"Are you gonna throw up?" he asked. "I can grab the trashcan…"

"No," she shook her head. "I'm not nauseous. It _hurts_…" and she started coughing again, clutching her stomach painfully.

"Okay…" he said gently, "You're gonna be all right. Show me where it hurts…" he asked nervously.

"Right here," she pushed on the side of her stomach and winced a little at the pain. "El…I'm scared something's wrong."

He put his hand where she was pushing and rubbed gently, "Nothing's wrong," he assured her. "It's from the coughing, Liv. Your abdominal muscles are weak from the pregnancy already, and the coughing is making it worse. You were coughing pretty hard in your sleep. That's all it is, I'm sure…" He brushed her hair back from her face and forced a smile, "You're gonna be fine…okay? I'll be right back…" he went into the kitchen and emerged several minutes later with an ice pack and a steaming hot cup. "We're gonna hold this on your belly…where it hurts…" he said as he pushed the ice pack into her skin and she winced. "I know it's cold…but it'll help."

"It's gonna freeze the babies," she cried.

He laughed, "No it won't. They are fine…trust me. Ice is good…it will help with the pain, and it will bring your temperature down. I don't want your fever to spike." He lifted the cup to her lips, "Sip this…it's hot so be careful…but it will help with the coughing…"

"What is that?" she sputtered at the bitterness. "El, I can't take medicine…"

"I know that," he sighed, "It's not medicine. It's lemon juice and honey and hot water…it'll help with the cough. Drink it." He watched as she sipped a little more until her cough subsided and she leaned back on the sofa, the ice pack pressed against her. "You're okay, Liv…but you _are_ sick…no more arguing about it…"

"I feel like garbage," she admitted. "Where's the baby?" she looked around, not seeing him until Elliot moved over a little and she noticed him in his playpen. "How's he feeling?"

"His fever is gone…and his cough is pretty light…he's playing with his toys…" Elliot told her. "I think he gave all his sick germs to you." He teased.

"At least mine won't turn into bronchitis and an asthma attack," she yawned. "Elliot…thanks…for taking care of us…"

"Hey, that's what friends do right?" he winked at her.

"Do you know what else friends do?" she asked with a slight chuckle. "They make their friends grilled cheese and tomato soup when they're sick."

"Oh they do…do they?" he laughed and she nodded. He handed her the cup again, "Drink all of this for me…" he insisted. "And if you do, I'll make the grilled cheese and soup for you."

She took another sip, making a face at the taste, "El…this is so gross. I can't drink it. It's gonna make me throw up…"

"No it won't," he insisted, realizing she was a worse patient than any of his kids had ever been. "It will make you feel better…and if you want the grilled cheese…you'll drink it."

"You're so unfair," she downed the remainder of the warm liquid and sat the cup down on the table. "There…" she grimaced. "Are you happy now?"

"You're not coughing…" he told her with a smile. "So yeah…I'm happy." He put his hand on her side, feeling the coolness of the ice pack, "How's the pain?" he asked.

She shrugged, "Better…a lot better…" She ran her fingers delicately along his hand, not wanting him to move it just yet and he stared at her with a grin. "El…thanks…really, you didn't have to do all this…"

"I want to take care of you," he insisted, grabbing the ice pack and standing up, "I'll put this in the freezer and grab another one if you need it…"

"You know what I need?" she said seriously and he looked at her with concern. "I _need_ a grilled cheese…" she laughed and he shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Grilled cheese and tomato soup…coming right up," he laughed and walked into the kitchen.

**_January 29, 2015 3:40PM_**

Olivia sat the remainder of her food on the coffee table and watched as Noah toddled over to Elliot who was sitting on the floor playing with him. Her little boy was obviously feeling better, and he was enjoying bringing his toy car to Elliot and chasing after it when Elliot would roll in across the room. It was rare to see her son interacting with anyone other than Lucy or herself, and she was glad he seemed to like Elliot so much. It would be good when the twins arrived, if Noah also had a connection to their father…she knew she shouldn't be thinking about that though. Noah was her son, not Elliot's and technically the twins were hers too. She'd promised to let Elliot be involved, but right now she wasn't even sure what that meant. She pushed herself up from the sofa and Elliot stood up and rushed over to her, "Hey…what's wrong? Why are you getting up?" he asked anxiously.

She laughed, "I have to go to the bathroom…two glasses of gingerale and that disgusting concoction you shoved down my throat…plus twins resting on my bladder…I know they're small, but they still make me pee a lot…"

"Okay," he laughed. "I get it…you don't have to try to make me feel stupid."

"I'm not," she said with a grin, walking out of the room and returning a few minutes later with her glasses and a stack of magazines and a paperback book. She settled herself back on the couch and Elliot walked over and sat next to her while Noah played with his car some more.

"Feeling better?" he asked, as she flipped through the magazine. She nodded and he looked at her half-eaten sandwich on the table, "You didn't finish your food," he said.

She looked at him, "I couldn't…after you made me drink that honey-lemon crap I felt like throwing up…"

"Oh geez, Liv," he rolled his eyes. "Give it a rest. That _crap_ helped. You haven't coughed since…"

"I'm just teasing," she sighed. "I'm not very hungry now." She put her hand to her stomach, "Lately, with the pregnancy…cheese makes me feel kind of blah…"

"Then why'd you ask for grilled cheese?" Elliot shook his head. "I could have made you something else."

"I was craving grilled cheese," she said seriously. "I'm just kind of uncomfortable now from eating it. I'll be fine in a while. I'm just having trouble digesting cheese lately."

"Why didn't you say something?" Elliot asked. "I could have made a half sandwich or used less cheese or something. If you're having issues…you should tell me…"

Olivia rolled her eyes, "You want me to tell you when I feel gassy and bloated?" she sighed. "It's embarrassing and it's none of your business. I wanted the grilled cheese…you made me the grilled cheese…the fact that I feel crummy is all on me."

He noticed the way her face blushed and her eyes were glassy with tears and he put his hand carefully on her stomach, "Liv…you don't have to be embarrassed to tell me things like that. It's a normal pregnancy symptom…and it's worse with twins…"

"Everything is worse with twins," she groaned, picking up the magazine and flipping through it again, and Elliot decided it would be best to change the subject.

"What're you reading?" he asked, and she held it up so he could see, "Baby Magazine…anything interesting in there?" he asked.

"There's an article on how to choose the perfect name for your baby," she sighed. "I've read it a million times." She motioned over to the other magazines and the book, "All of those magazines have basically the same article…and that is a baby-name book…" she looked tearful. "I can't think of names for the twins."

"Liv…" he said sincerely. "You have time. They won't be here for six months."

"But most women have an idea…you know…a favorite name they've had stored in the back of their mind…" she shook her head, "I don't…and now I need _two_ names."

"You don't even know the sex of the babies yet," he reminded her. "You can't choose until you know if you need two boy names or two girl names or one of each."

"I thought I'd pick a few of each," she said. "And then choose for certain when I know…but I don't like any of the names." She felt a wet tear slide down her cheek and quickly brushed it away. "The magazine articles all say you should think of someone close to you…your mother, your father, an aunt or uncle…someone who meant something important in your life…and think of a variation of that name to give your child a special name…I don't have anyone special…"

"It's okay," he squeezed her hand and reached for the baby-name book. "You don't have to name the babies after anyone. Most people just pick a name they like. Let's look through here and see what stands out." He opened the book to the letter S and read off a few names, "Solomon, Spencer, Steven…" he looked at her and could tell she wasn't impressed.

"They all sound too…I don't know…_boring_…" she sighed. "Besides…those are all boy names. I could have a girl…or two…"

He laughed and flipped to the girl names, "Sarah, Sophie, Stephanie…" he suggested.

"Why are you stuck on the letter S?" she asked, coughing and trying to clear her throat and reaching for her gingerale.

"You okay?" he asked. "I can make some more lemon and honey…"

"No…" she cringed. "I'm fine…thanks…"

He laughed, "I like the S names. Little Spencer and Sophie Stabler…I think they sound adorable…"

"El…" she looked at him and she knew she was going to break his heart, but as much as she didn't want to hurt him, it had to be said. "Elliot…the babies…their last name is Benson."

"Oh…" he said, more surprised than he should have. "I guess…I just thought…I don't know what I thought. You're right…I'm sorry…"

"I don't want their names to be different than mine," she tried to explain. "And Noah's last name will be Benson when the adoption is finalized. They should have the same last name as their brother…"

"Sure…you're right," he sighed, flipping to the letter N. "Maybe we'll look through the Ns then," he suggested. "So they can all have the same initials."

"El…" she said sadly. "Are you okay with this?"

He nodded, "Of course…they're your babies and you can name them whatever you want. How about Nathaniel or Nico or Nolan?" He looked at her, his own eyes moist with tears he struggled to hold back. She didn't need to know he was hurt. He had no right to be. "Oh right…you want a _girl_ name," he forced a smile, "Nadia or Natasha or Nina…what about Natalie…I always liked that name…"

"I don't think I feel up to this," she said, coughing again and pulling the blanket up over her. "I'm tired…and my stomach kind of hurts…"

"Okay," he sat the book down and stood up so she could lay across the sofa. "You go back to sleep…" he said and he walked over to where Noah was playing with his toy car and sat down on the floor with him, putting the baby in his lap and pushing the car across the floor, laughing when the baby stood up and toddled after it. Olivia watched them, noticing her son growing tired of the game, but before he could fuss, Elliot picked him up and grabbed a book, reading it to him and holding the little boy's attention with his silly voices and gentle tickles. Her eyes were full of tears, and she couldn't hold them back as they fell down her cheeks and onto the pillow. She closed her eyes, but she couldn't fall asleep. All she could do was think.

**More as soon as I can...thanks for your patience!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks again for all the reviews. I am always so excited to see what everyone thinks of the chapters. This story seems to take a while to play out, but I hope it will be worth it in the end. I know people tend to go back and forth between loving Elliot and being mad at him, respecting Olivia's decisions and thinking she's being unfair. That's the fun of writing something like this. Seeing the reactions from all of you. :)**

**That said...here is the next chapter I promised for the weekend. Please don't hate me...**

**_February 12, 2015 2:30PM_**

Olivia stepped off the elevator and walked past the other detectives in the squad room, heading straight for her office. She didn't make eye contact with anyone and hoped no one would stop her and ask her questions or try to fill her in on a case. She knew she needed to be more present, more focused on her work than she had been in the last couple months, but she'd just returned from her obstetrician's office and all she could think about was the black and white ultrasound photo she had tucked away in her purse, and the fact that she wanted to show it to Elliot. Everything else could wait.

She hadn't seen Elliot since he'd been stuck at her apartment during the snow storm. It had been two weeks and not only had she not seen him, she'd barely spoken two words to him. He'd sent her a text, the day after he boarded the plane home saying he was going to be on assignment and she wouldn't be able to reach him. She immediately tried to call him, but he answered quickly and told her he was on his way out and that he wouldn't have his phone. He ended the call with, "Take care of yourself…" and those were the final words he'd said to her…the only thing she had to cling to for two long weeks. She kept waiting for him to call, to say he was safe, to say he was coming back to New York…but so far nothing…and she'd forced herself to go on without him. As much as she'd longed for a break from him after the holiday fiasco, all she wanted now was his presence. For the first time ever, she started to understand some of what Kathy felt all those times she and Elliot had been undercover, but she knew she wasn't his wife and she had no business having those feelings.

She pulled the photo out of her purse and stared at it. Two tiny little people snuggled close together and they were the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. Her first ultrasound at six weeks had been amazing, but now they were two perfectly formed little beings and the whole experience felt so much more real. She was tearing up simply thinking about the appointment, about the feeling of the cool gel on her stomach, and the slight pressure of the transducer against her skin…the picture on the screen of their movements and tiny beating hearts…and then the ultrasound tech had surprised her by saying she was pretty sure she could tell the sex of one of the babies if she wanted to know, and immediately Olivia had said yes before stopping to think about the fact that Elliot would want to be there when they found out. The rest of the appointment had gone smoothly and the doctor was impressed with her weight and blood pressure, especially considering her age, and after scheduling another appointment in a month, had sent her on her way.

She was brought back from her thoughts by a tap on the door and looked up to see Nick standing there. "What do you need?" she asked, clearing her throat.

"You okay?" he asked. "Were you crying?"

"Hormones…" she shrugged off the tears she didn't even realize she'd shed and put the ultrasound photo in her desk drawer. "Did you need something?" she asked.

"While you were out, Rollins and I took a domestic violence call," he explained. "The wife, she's here now…but we don't think she'll press charges. We might have to let the guy loose."

She ran her fingers through her hair and gave an exasperated sigh, "Talk to her a while longer, okay. See if you can convince her. Do you need me…"

"Nah…" Nick gave her a knowing glance. "You should put your feet up…relax a little. You've been gone all afternoon."

"At the doctor," she reminded him. "Not running a marathon. I think I can handle talking to a victim. I need to start pulling my weight around here anyway."

"You're the boss," he teased. "You can do your job from behind the scenes…" He laughed. "Let us give it another try and if it doesn't work you can…"

"All right," she sighed, leaning back and resting her hand on the swell of her stomach. She couldn't take her mind off the ultrasound, and she was trying to picture where each baby was inside of her, taking her focus completely off Amaro who was still standing in the doorway.

"Liv?" he said and she looked up at him. "You sure you feel okay?" he asked. "Was your appointment all right…you seem kind of off…"

"The appointment was fine," she forced a smile and nodded, "The babies are good…I'm good…"

"All right," he nodded, and walked out the door.

**_February 12, 2015 4:45PM_**

Olivia was sitting at her desk, signing off on the mounds of paperwork that seemed to multiply in her workspace, and munching on corn chips when her phone rang. She looked at it, assuming it would be Lucy asking what time she'd be home. She'd been lucky that when she finally told Lucy she was expecting that the young woman hadn't quit right away. She loved Noah and enjoyed working for Olivia, but she'd also made it clear she'd have to look for something else when Olivia went on maternity leave. There was no way she could tend to three babies properly. Olivia knew she'd miss her, but she'd expected as much and realized she'd probably have to look into some kind of child care center. How that would work with her hours she didn't know, but somehow she'd work it out. She had to. Glancing down at the phone, she was surprised to see it wasn't Lucy after all and answered it so quickly she didn't have time to swallow the food in her mouth.

"Elliot…" she said, trying to swallow the corn chips, but having a hard time due to the sticky peanut butter she'd dipped them in.

"Liv?" he asked. "Is that you?"

She finally swallowed and took a quick drink to get the stickiness out of her mouth, "Yeah, it's me…" she said. "Sorry…I was eating…"

He laughed slightly, "Of course you were. How're you feeling?"

"Good," she insisted. "I feel good. I went to the doctor today. I've only gained seven and a half pounds, but she said that's normal. She wants me to aim for one to two pounds a week for the second trimester. I told her I feel like I've gained way more than that, but she said it's just my uterus pushing up…"

"See…I told you…you're not fat, just showing," he said gently. "I'm sorry I wasn't there…"

"Me too…" she admitted. "El…I saw the babies…they are so perfect…"

"I bet they are," he said softly. "What did she say about making it to term? Did she have any advice…"

She knew he was thinking about Eli and she wished they had a better guarantee, "She said we have to wait and see," she told him. "I have a surprise though…"

"You do…" he sighed, and she could tell he was disappointed the doctor hadn't had more clear-cut news about the cord blood.

"The tech…she said she could tell the sex of one of the twins…" she began, but he interrupted her.

"Liv…it's early," he argued. "She might be wrong. You didn't let her tell you, did you…I thought you were waiting until the 20 week mark?"

"She said it was pretty clear," she insisted. "And I know I should've waited for you…but I wanted to know…"

"But she only knew the sex of _one_ of them," he sighed. "Now we don't know about the other one…and this one could be wrong…I just don't want you to get your hopes up. There is something to be said for the element of surprise."

"Fine…" she sputtered. "You don't want to know. I get it."

"That's not what I meant," he said, letting out a deep sigh. "Liv…I'm sorry. I'm tired…it was a rough assignment and I just got home…"

She felt bad that she'd forgotten about his case in her excitement over the ultrasound. Of course he needed time to unwind before she bombarded him with information. "I'm sorry…how was your case?"

"I can't talk about it…it's classified information," he told her, his voice suddenly more tired than before. "Liv…I want to see you. Can I come up tomorrow? We need to talk."

"Okay…" she said, her voice quivering as she imagined what he wanted to talk about. He didn't sound happy and it worried her. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine…" he tried to assure her. "I'm sorry…I'm just tired. I want to see you…I want to see Eli…"

"Tomorrow's fine," she sighed, picking up a corn chip and popping it in her mouth. "I have to go…" she mumbled between crunches.

"You didn't tell me…" he reminded her. "Are you getting that little girl you wanted?" and she could tell he was trying to sound more excited than he was. Something was wrong and she was afraid of what he was coming to tell her.

"You don't want to know…" she whispered tearfully. "It's okay…it can be a surprise…"

"Liv, I'm sorry…of course I want to know," he said.

"She said…she thinks it's a boy," she said with less enthusiasm than she imagined when she thought about telling him.

"Guess you'll have to think of some boy names then, huh?" he asked, and she wished his voice carried at least a small hint of excitement.

"I'll see you tomorrow, El," she said softly.

"You know…why don't I just come tonight?" he suggested, trying to sound more cheerful. "We can go to dinner…celebrate this new baby boy…"

"I don't know," she sighed, "You're tired…I'm tired…"

"I want to see you, Liv," he said honestly. "I _need_ to see you."

"Okay," she gave in. "I'll meet you at the apartment. I have to go…" and she hung up the phone.

**_February 12, 2015 5:30PM_**

She was putting everything in her bag when Fin knocked on the door, and she looked up in frustration. She knew he was coming with news that would keep her at work longer, and all she wanted was to get home and cuddle with her little boy before Elliot showed up to drop his bad news bombshell. "Don't tell me…" she groaned. "Another case?"

He shook his head, "No…same case. That lady Nick and Amanda have been trying to get to press charges…she won't do it. We had to spring the guy…Donald Marling…24 year old wife-beater with guns at home…supposedly for _hunting_…"

"I told Nick to come get me," she said angrily. "Damn…I might've been able to help her…we can't send her back to that house."

"Liv…she wasn't going to listen to anyone," he insisted. "I'm gonna run Mrs. Marling home. Her husband is supposed to be going to a friend's house, so I told her I'd check things out and make sure nothing's wrong…"

"But if she won't press charges," Olivia sighed, "We can't do anything. Let me talk to her…"

"She wants to go home," he argued. "She won't listen."

"I'll ride with you," Olivia suggested. "That way I can talk to her and maybe then you can drop me off at home…" she pulled on her coat and grabbed her bag.

"You're gonna argue until I give in, aren't you?" he asked with a sigh, "Come on…"

They pulled up in front of the small house and Olivia looked pleadingly at the woman in the seat next to her, "Please…Mrs. Marling…Stella…consider what I'm saying…"

"He's not coming back," the woman said, reaching for the door handle and holding her other arm gingerly at her side. She was black and blue and Olivia wondered if her arm was sprained, or even worse, broken.

"Why don't we go to the ER," she suggested. "Get your arm looked at."

"No…" the woman shook her head. "I'm fine. Donny's done this before and he knows this time I won't let him come back. I don't need some stupid doctor's report for you to use against him. You're as bad as the cops at the station."

"I just want to help you," Olivia said gently. "I want to make sure you're safe."

"I am safe," the woman argued. "My mom's gonna come over tonight anyway and stay with me. So I'll be fine. Just don't mess with Donny anymore. He just started a new job and I don't want him to lose it cause the cops are harassing him…"

"Stella…we're not harassing him," Olivia insisted. "We're trying to protect _you_…"

"I know that, but I'm fine," the woman gave a weak smile and opened the car door. "Besides…I have Donny's guns in the house if I need them."

"Let me go first, check out the place," Fin offered as he exited the car and ran ahead of her. He checked the doors and windows…seeing no sign of an intruder in the house, and looking around the outside of the premises and motioned when he was convinced it was clear, and Stella Marling gave Olivia a small wave and walked to her house.

Fin slipped back in the driver's seat and Olivia stared sadly at him, "I hate this…every damn time…she could come home tomorrow and find him in there waiting for her."

"You can't get through to everyone," he told her truthfully. "She's not ready yet. Maybe…next time…"

"If he doesn't kill her next time…" Olivia sighed, "I forgot to give her my card. Let me run it up there…"

"She won't call…" he said, but Olivia pushed the door open.

"I'll be fast," she promised and made her way to the door, knocking quickly while Fin fidgeted with the radio in the car trying to find something worth listening to.

"Go away…" Olivia heard Stella Marling's voice quiver on the other side of the door in response to her knock, and she was afraid for the woman.

"Stella…" she called to her. "It's Sergeant Benson…open the door…" but Stella didn't open it and Olivia tried the handle with no luck, but in a matter of seconds it swung open and she was face to face with a scruffy blonde man with a beard and a gun…the shots rang out before she could reach for her weapon and Fin looked up from the radio in time to see her fall to the ground.

He ran from the car, holding his own gun on the man who wouldn't lower his, eventually left with no choice but to shoot and seeing the man fall to the ground he grabbed the other gun and lowered himself next to Olivia who was staring up at him with cold, frightened eyes. "Liv…it's okay…you're gonna be all right…" he sputtered, holding his hand over the wound and trying to stop the blood that had soaked her blouse. She was shaking and he tried to reassure her, "You're gonna be fine…"

"My babies…" she said, her voice barely audible as she closed her eyes.

"The babies are fine, Liv…" Fin said, still holding pressure on her wound, and lightly smacking her face with his other hand, afraid of her losing consciousness. He could hear the sirens blaring in the background, and Stella Marling screaming as she held the limp body of her husband in her arms. Olivia wouldn't open her eyes and he was scared. "Hang in there…for the babies…they are okay…the bullet was nowhere near them…you're gonna be fine too…" and he prayed he was telling her the truth.

**I promise there will be some good news in the next part...hang in there folks!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks again for all the reviews. I know cliffhangers are evil, but I felt like being evil for once. ;) I am glad no one was too angry with me for it. I apologize for not getting this post up sooner. I am really struggling with finding writing time. Hopefully I will get better at managing my time and have the next update ready for you soon. **

**Enjoy! I look forward to hearing what you think. :)**

**_February 12, 2015 7:30PM_**

Elliot was knocking on the door, worried that no one was answering. He could hear Noah crying on the other side and his first instinct was that Olivia was sick again. He knew her morning sickness had eased up the last time he'd been there, but he'd been gone for two weeks and there was no telling how her body had changed in that time. "Liv…" he called out, "Are you okay in there? Let me in!" No one came to the door, and he shook the handle, preparing to do something as drastic as breaking it down when the door quickly came open and he was face to face with a young woman, holding a sobbing Noah in her arms. "Where is Olivia?" he asked, his voice more frustrated than it should have been. He looked at the babysitter and forced a smile, "I'm sorry…" he said, realizing how harsh he sounded. "I was just worried when no one answered the door…" He looked at Noah, stroking his tear-stained cheeks, "What's the matter buddy…"

Lucy shook her head, "I don't know where Liv is," she admitted. "She told me she'd be home by 6:30…I've been calling…" she looked panicked. "I can't get the baby to stop crying…it's like something's wrong with him and he can't tell me what."

Elliot reached for the little boy and she reluctantly handed him over. She'd only met Elliot one other time and it had been brief, but she knew he was a friend of Olivia's. "Do you miss Mommy?" Elliot held the boy close to him and Noah settled a little. Elliot looked at Lucy, "Did you call the station?" he asked.

Lucy nodded, "They said she left a while ago," she sighed and glanced down at her phone. "I had a date tonight…"

Elliot nodded, "Go ahead…I'm sure she'll be here any minute. She probably had to stop for something…"

"She always calls," Lucy's voice shook with worry. "She's pregnant…" her eyes widened when she realized she'd revealed her bosses secret. "I shouldn't have said that…"

"It's okay…" Elliot smiled. "I know she's pregnant…" he motioned toward the door. "Why don't you go on your date. I'll take care of Noah. Liv probably stopped for some weird food craving or something. Last time I was here she wanted grilled cheese and wouldn't stop talking about it until she got it. I'm sure its just something silly like that…"

"I'm not supposed to leave the baby," Lucy said, "She never said I could leave him with you."

"No, of course," Elliot's phone rang and he handed the baby back to Lucy, glancing at it and seeing Olivia's name pop up on the screen. "Ah ha…this is her now," he laughed, answering the call, "Liv…where the hell are you? I thought we were having dinner…" but before he could finish the voice on the other end let him know it wasn't Olivia.

"Elliot…" the man's voice was weak and Elliot was instantly more afraid than he could ever remember being before. "This is Nick…Amaro…remember…" he was stalling and Elliot knew it.

"Yeah…of course I do," Elliot's voice shook remembering the last time Olivia had given Nick her phone to call him…the time she was bleeding and went to the hospital. Everything turned out fine that time, but this time…they weren't going to be so lucky and Elliot could feel the uneasiness settling in his bones. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Uhm…I'm sorry…" Nick was breaking down, and even though he wanted to be strong, had thought he was strong enough to make this call, he was beginning to think he couldn't do it. "There was a shooting…and Olivia…she's…"

"No…" Elliot gasped. "That's not possible…she's on desk duty…" but he knew it was the truth regardless of his denial.

"She was on a domestic call," Nick continued, but Elliot cut him off.

"Is she alive?" he asked bluntly.

"She was," Nick said honestly. "When they brought her in. We haven't heard anything new. I had to use her phone to call you so I could get the number…I'm so sorry…"

"What about the babies?" he asked, trying to remain in control but feeling himself slip. "Are they okay?"

"I don't know," Nick told him. "All I know is she was shot…"

"What the hell was she doing going on a domestic call?" Elliot yelled. "She's on desk duty! I…I'm on my way…" he hung up the phone and looked at Lucy who was staring at him with a ghostly white realization on her face. "It's Liv…she's hurt…" Elliot struggled to keep the tears in his eyes. "Can you stay with him?" he looked at the baby who had stopped crying and was sucking his thumb against the sitter's chest and the sight of Olivia's son was the final straw for him as his eyes blurred and his tears fell. "I'll call you when I can with an update…" he said, rushing out the door.

**_February 12, 2015 8:15PM_**

Elliot ran through the double doors of the emergency room and looked around, trying to find a familiar face among the unusually large crowd of people. "Stabler…" he heard someone call out and he turned to see Nick Amaro standing against the far wall by the men's room, his own face gray and warn from the experience.

Elliot walked over to him, "Where is she?" he asked.

"She's in surgery…" Nick answered, his voice void of any emotion. "Something about her shoulder…"

"Her shoulder?" Elliot asked, a touch of relief in his tone. "That's all…"

Nick shook his head, "She lost a lot of blood…and they're not sure where the bullet is lodged. She was in and out of consciousness…"

Elliot ran his hand along the back of his neck, his face red with anger, "Why the hell was she on a domestic? And why didn't you protect her…you're supposed to be her fucking partner!"

"You need to calm down," Nick said, trying to keep himself from blowing up.

"_Calm down?_" Elliot grabbed him by the collar and pulled his face close to his, "She could be _dead_…my _kids_ could be dead…and you want me to calm down. This is your fault…you didn't have her back…you let her go out on a fucking police call when she's pregnant…"

"I wasn't with her!" Nick pushed Elliot away from him, hard enough that he saw him stumble back against the wall, and the shock of his strength seemed to calm Elliot some. "She went to take a victim home…she wanted to convince her to get some help."

"Of course she did," Elliot sighed, shaking his head anxiously. He caught a glimpse out of the corner of his eye and saw Lieutenant Tucker…his biggest nemesis from IAB, walking toward him. "What the fuck is that son of bitch doing here?" he groaned, looking at Nick with frustration. "They sure as hell aren't going to pin this on Olivia. She didn't do anything wrong."

"He's here for Fin," Nick answered, not sure how Elliot would take the news. "He shot the guy…the one who shot Liv…"

"Fin shot him?" Elliot asked.

Nick nodded, "He was the one with Olivia…when it happened."

"Fin…" Elliot gasped. "Fin was with Olivia…and he let her get shot?"

"He saved her life. He shot the guy and he kept pressure on her gunshot wound until the paramedics arrived," Nick told him, but Elliot wasn't listening. He was rushing toward Lieutenant Tucker, his body shaking with rage.

"Well…well…if it isn't my favorite former detective," Tucker sputtered. "Should've known you'd show up here eventually when Benson is involved. Funny, I thought you would've been here before now…she's been through far worse in the last few years…"

"Where's Fin?" Elliot asked, ignoring Tucker's arrogance.

Tucker looked curiously at him, "Detective Tutuola is signing his statement," he told him. "We offered to take him back to the station to do it, but he didn't want leave the hospital and said he had nothing to hide. We'll make a decision in a day or two, but to be honest it looks like a good shoot…unlike some _other's_ we've investigated over the years." He was trying to rattle Elliot, with no luck. He was too focused on his anger to worry about Tucker's harassment.

"A good shoot…" Elliot shook his head. "If it was a good shoot he would have killed the mother fucker before he shot a pregnant woman…"

Tucker's eyes widened in realization, "Oh…" he said knowingly. "You and Sergeant Benson are still close I take it? They're saying the damage is mostly to her shoulder…her babies…_your_ babies?" he looked for confirmation from Elliot, but continued when he didn't get it. "The babies…they seem to be okay…at least for now. There's some concern about blood loss…" Fin walked into the room, disheveled from the whole ordeal and his shirt covered in blood that could have been Olivia's or that of Donald Marling. Tucker nudged toward him and gave a smirk to Elliot, "I guess I'll leave you two alone…" he said as he walked off.

Fin didn't see Elliot until he was face-to-face with him, and then it was too late as Elliot's fist smashed into his face with such force that it took a moment for him to recover and realize what was happening. "You son of bitch!" Elliot screamed, raising his fist for one more punch, just as Fin managed to get a straight shot at his nose, forcing blood to spurt everywhere and Nick pushed the two of them apart. "Fuck you!" Elliot screamed, wiping the blood from his nose and pulling himself away from Nick. "How could _you_?" he glared at Fin. "She's _pregnant_…You let her go out on a domestic call…and you let some son of a bitch, wife-beater, shoot her?"

"I didn't _let_ her do anything," Fin argued, wanting nothing more than to take another shot at Elliot's face. "She's my damn boss. I do what _she_ says…" he shook his head angrily, choking on his words. "I tried to save her…"

"How the hell did that asshole get to her?" Elliot asked.

Fin's voice quivered as he recalled how quickly everything went down. How did the guy get to her? He wasn't even sure. "I don't know…" he admitted. "I checked everything…there was no sign of anyone…inside or outside the house…" He was shaking, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like this…so powerless and alone. Everyone blamed him…and he knew they had every right to. "She knocked on the door…and then…I heard the shot…"

"You did what you could," Nick tried to assure him, but he knew his words were falling on deaf ears. Neither Fin nor Elliot were going to admit that Fin was innocent in all this.

"She lost too much blood," Fin said, his own face paling at the memory. "I tried to stop it…but there was so much…"

"She's gonna lose the babies," Elliot said with a somber certainness that hung heavy in the room. "Did she know…I mean…" he cleared his throat, "Was she conscious enough to realize what was happening?"

Fin nodded, "She asked about the babies…I told her they would be okay. They might be…the bullet was nowhere near them."

Elliot screamed, raising his fist once more and Fin was sure he was going to hit him, and he didn't even care anymore. He was going to let him if that's what it took to make amends for what had happened. But Elliot smashed his fist into the soda machine instead, busting a hole in the plastic machine casing and not even caring that his hand was cut and bleeding or that it was turning an unattractive shade of purple.

"Elliot…" Nick said seriously. "She wouldn't want this. She'd be pissed at _you_ for standing out here making a scene…and you know that." He looked at Fin and then back at Elliot, "There's nothing we can do but wait and see…"

**_February 12, 2015 9:30PM_**

Elliot hung up the phone. He'd called Lucy to check on Noah and fill her in on what was happening at the hospital. So far they hadn't let him see her, but a nurse did come and tell him Olivia was out of surgery and a doctor would be with him soon. She was alive, and even though he had no other details it was all he could cling to in the moment. Olivia was alive.

Nick walked in from the cafeteria, offering him a cup of coffee and Elliot reached for it with his good hand. The one he'd smashed into the vending machine was obviously broken, but he'd refused to be treated for it until after he talked to the doctor. Olivia and the twins were more important than his hand.

Nick sat next to Fin, offering him the other cup of coffee and Elliot walked over and sat by them. He was still angry, but he knew he couldn't keep blaming them for decisions Olivia made herself. "Why did she go?" he asked, looking at them and keeping his expression even. "On that domestic call? Why did she go? She's on desk duty…"

"She's not on desk duty," Fin told him. "She's been on cases since the pregnancy…just less dangerous ones. And this one didn't seem dangerous…we didn't know the guy was there…"

"She told me she was on desk duty," Elliot admitted. "Why the hell did she lie to me?"

"She probably didn't want you to worry," Fin said, taking a drink of his coffee and making a face at the bitterness. "And I think if the bosses had their way she would be on desk duty. They can't force her though...the law says she can work until 30 weeks or until it becomes dangerous to the safety of herself or others. You know Liv…she's not gonna sit around and do nothing, even if she is pregnant."

"She was trying to take it easy though," Nick insisted. "Less cases, working less hours, more office work and less in the field…"

"If she loses the babies," Elliot felt himself tear up and he didn't want to cry, especially in front of Nick and Fin. "She won't be able to handle it." He sighed, "I was coming up here to take her to dinner…she said the doctor told her at her appointment today that one of the babies is a boy…" He shook his head in defeat, "My son…" he closed his eyes, "I didn't even act happy about it. She told me…and my mind was on other things…and I got mad that she found out the sex of one of the babies instead of waiting…"

"A boy, huh?" Fin asked, unable to mask his smile, "I hope he doesn't get your temper…"

Elliot couldn't help but laugh at that, "Hell…me too…I couldn't handle a kid with my attitude."

"Olivia told me she was raising them alone," Fin questioned. "That you were a donor…I knew that wasn't the truth. You two…there's always been something between you…"

"_Something_…" Elliot sighed, "But to hell if I know what that _something_ is…"

"Excuse me…" a young surgeon walked up to them. "I'm looking for the emergency contact for Olivia Benson?"

"That's me," Elliot stood up. "I already talked to the nurse…she said Liv was out of surgery. How is she?"

"What's your name, sir?" the woman asked, looking at her chart, pen in hand. "And your relationship to the patient."

"I'm Elliot Stabler…" he said.

"Relationship to the patient?" she asked again.

"Uhm…I'm her partner…" he looked at Nick who was giving him a knowing glance. "And I'm the father of her babies."

"Follow me," the woman motioned and he walked slowly behind her toward the recovery room.

They pushed open the door, and he was faced with Olivia laying still on the hospital bed, her face nearly as white as the crisp cotton bed sheets. She wasn't moving, but her chest rose and fell slowly and he was relieved to know she was breathing. "Is she okay?" he asked. "She looks okay…"

"The bullet entered close to her right shoulder and was lodged. We removed it." She said. "She's going to be sore…and she'll need some physical therapy to regain full movement on the shoulder…she lost quite a bit of blood…"

"I can donate blood for her," Elliot offered. "We're the same blood type."

The doctor nodded, "We don't like to do blood transfusions during pregnancy, but we had no choice this time. We gave her blood already, but if it looks like she needs another transfusion we can let you donate."

"How are the babies?" Elliot asked.

"So far…they seem to be doing well," the doctor told him. "Good heart beats. We're monitoring them…she could start having some contractions…from the trauma…and if so I'm not sure we could stop it at fourteen weeks…"

"So…she might lose them?" he asked tearfully.

"We're keeping a close eye on all three of them," the doctor promised him. "On Olivia and the twins…try not to worry…"

"When is she going to wake up?" he asked, brushing away the tears that were sliding down his cheeks.

"She's sedated," the doctor said, "a couple of hours probably."

"Can I sit with her?" he asked.

"Of course," the doctor smiled. "Buzz for the nurse if you need anything…or if she wakes up…"

Elliot sat next to the bed, watching her sleep and his heart was broken. He'd been mad that Fin hadn't protected her, but in his heart he knew he was the one who should have been there…he was the one who should've protected her…and he'd let her down…he'd let his children down…and he could never forgive himself for that. He stood up, leaning over the bed and carefully brushing the hair from her face. She was bruised, probably from hitting her head when she fell, and he kissed her forehead gently, "I'm sorry…" he whispered. "I'm so sorry…" he cried. Then he moved his hand to the swell of her stomach, letting it rest gently against the firm roundness beneath her hospital gown. She was bigger than the last time he'd seen her…two weeks seemed to make a world of difference in a twin pregnancy, and he swallowed the lump in his throat, bending down and whispering to his unborn children, "Hey you two…" he cried. "This is your daddy. I know you're probably scared in there…but you got to hang on…for Mommy…she needs you…" he sobbed. "I need you too…I love you," he sat back down, grabbing Olivia's hand and holding it tight. He was never going to let go.

**More to come...**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello all! I seriously need to apologize for taking over a week to update this. I have no real excuse. I've been working, I've been sick, my kid has had school things, I've had work things...blah, blah, blah. Really though, I've mostly just been unmotivated, so I apologize. I will try to do better. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, and I look forward to your thoughts on this chapter as well. **

**I'm watching the USA marathon today...marathon of Olivia's hairstyles. LOL! Maybe it will be inspiring to me.**

**Enjoy...**

**_February 13, 2015 7:00AM_**

Elliot was tired, and it was taking all his strength to hold his eyes open. He'd spent most of the night keeping watch over Olivia, wishing for her to wake up and tell him she was okay, but the most she'd done was open her eyes and cry out in pain. Three times she'd reached a wakened state barely long enough for them to give her more pain medication that knocked her out again. Once, she'd mumbled something about the babies, and he'd done his best to assure her they were okay, but he wasn't sure she even recognized him, let alone understood what he was telling her about the twins. It scared him to see her like this, because although he knew as a cop she put her life on the line every day, he never let himself think about it. When they were partners, there had been some close calls, but usually everything turned out fine. This time would too. It had to.

He gave in to the exhaustion and closed his eyes, leaning back in the chair and trying to rest while he could. The doctor had been in a while ago, insisting things were going well and Olivia would be more alert the next time she woke up. Elliot had called Lucy, to update her and Nick and Fin had gone over to watch Noah so Lucy could go home. Elliot wondered what Olivia's plans had been for an emergency if he had never come into her life. She was a single mother of three, and a cop…she had to have some plan in place, she was too responsible not to have an emergency plan, but he had no idea what it was. It saddened him to think they weren't close enough anymore for him to know.

He must have dozed off, because the next thing he knew she was saying his name…"Elliot…" her voice raspy and weak and it took a minute for him to realize it was her. He opened his eyes and sat up, starting at her and her eyes were more alert than they'd been in the middle of the night. "El…" she said again. "What happened?"

"Hey…" he stood up and forced a smile, brushing her hair carefully out of her face and she cringed a little at the pain. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know…bad. Something happened to me.?" she asked with a mumble, her voice fading and he was sure she was going to cry out in pain again, unable to talk to him.

"Olivia…it's okay," he took her hand and held it tight. "Are you in pain? Do you need me to call the nurse?"

"What happened?" she asked again, her voice quivering. She tried to sit up, yelling out when it proved too painful and looking down at her right arm that was wrapped tightly against her to prevent her from moving the shoulder. "What the hell…" she cringed.

"You're okay," he said gently. "You're gonna be fine. You were hurt…but the bullet is out and your shoulder will heal in time."

"Are the babies…"she started to cry and Elliot put his hand gently on the swell of her stomach.

"The babies are fine. I promise," he smiled. "The doctor did an ultrasound earlier…I saw them wiggling all over the place," he laughed. "They're good…they're beautiful…perfect…don't worry."

She nodded, "Stella Marling…" she sighed, remembering the day before. "Her husband…she wouldn't leave. Is she okay?"

Elliot nodded, "Yeah…she's okay. Moping around because Fin shot her husband. She wants to sue the NYPD."

Olivia's eyes widened, "Oh God…is Fin okay? Is IAB on him?"

"He's fine," Elliot assured her. "They think it was a good shoot…and it was, Liv. The guy could've killed you."

"Where's Noah?" she asked. "He probably wonders where I am."

Elliot nodded, "He misses you, but he's all right. Nick is with him. He and Fin are gonna take turns with him overnight and Lucy will watch him during the day until you can go home."

"Okay," she said tearfully. "I want to sit up…my back hurts…" she tried to lean forward, but the discomfort in her arm forced her back down. She couldn't move by herself.

"I know you're uncomfortable," he whispered, "The doctor said we could raise your bed a little, but it might hurt more, Liv. Your shoulder is in pretty bad shape and if you move it at all…"

"Just raise the bed," she insisted. "Please…I need to sit up."

"Okay," he gave in, pushing the button while the bed slowly rose. He could tell she was suffering as she exhaled slowly, her face contorted in pain. He released the button, "Is this okay?" he asked. "Do you feel better sitting up some?"

She closed her eyes and let out a slow breath, "I feel dizzy…and sick…" she took another breath, trying to settle her stomach. "Why do I feel so sick? Is something wrong with the babies? I haven't been sick in a while…"

"I think it's the pain meds," he said softly.

"I can't take pain medicine," she sighed, putting her free hand on her stomach. "The babies…the meds might hurt them. Why'd you let them give me pain meds?" her eyes were full of tears.

"Liv…I didn't _let_ them," he insisted. "The doctor insisted. But you were shot. You have to have pain meds. It's not good for the babies for you to be in so much pain either. They had to ease your pain…"

"I'm gonna throw up…" she looked pale and seemed to sway as she tried to sit in bed. "El…really…" she put her hand to her mouth, closing her eyes and trying to breathe slowly enough to ease the nausea. He grabbed a yellow, plastic tub from beside the bed and held it in front of her, just in time for her to lunge forward, emptying her stomach with violent heaves. She fell back on the bed, crying as her shoulder hit the mattress, "I'm sorry…" she cried.

"It's okay…you don't have to be sorry," he picked up the tub, sitting it aside and grabbing a damp cloth and gently wiping her sweaty forehead. "You think you're okay now?"

She shook her head, "Elliot…I'm sorry…I really am…"

"Liv…those meds make most people sick…and you're pregnant on top of it. It's okay…if you feel sick again let me know…" he gave a weak smile.

"No…" she cried. "I don't mean I'm sorry for throwing up. I'm sorry…for getting shot…"

"Liv, it wasn't your fault," he reminded her. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes I did…" she insisted. "I shouldn't have gone. I'm supposed to take care of our babies…I could've killed our babies…"

His eyes widened, the fact that she'd called them _our babies_ not going unnoticed, and he stared at her, taking her good hand and holding it close, "Liv…I know you would do anything for these babies. Don't beat yourself up about this."

She shook her head, "I lied to you. I told you I was on desk duty because I knew you'd be mad if you knew I was working, but I didn't think there was any harm in it. God…what if I lose these babies now?"

"You won't," he promised. "I told you…they look great. The doctor said so."

"If I'd have died…" she sobbed. "What would happen to Noah? He'd be back in foster care…and he wouldn't have a mother." She couldn't stop crying, and the ache in her shoulder was advancing in severity as her body shook.

"Liv…Noah is fine," Elliot promised. "You have to calm down. You're making yourself feel worse…and that's not good for the babies either." He grabbed the damp cloth and folded it carefully on her forehead. "Close your eyes…and take some deep breaths. Settle down…"

"I'm really sorry…" she said again, sniffling as she tried to stop crying.

"I know you are," he whispered, "but everything is fine now…at least it's going to be when you start feeling better. You need to rest."

"It hurts…a lot," she admitted.

"I'm gonna call for the nurse, and she's going to give you something for the pain," he insisted.

"Please don't," she pleaded. "I don't want the meds to hurt the twins."

"Olivia…the stuff they are giving you is the safest pain med that have," he promised. "There's very little risk…"

"But there's still a risk," she argued. "Please…don't call the nurse. Just…let me squeeze your hand…til this passes…the pain has to let up."

"I don't think it's going to pass…" he said seriously, giving in and grabbing her hand while she squeezed it and cried out in pain. "Are we practicing for labor…" he teased, smiling and trying to make her feel a little better.

"No," she bit her lip, moaning a little. "When I'm in labor…I'm taking the drugs…"

Elliot laughed, leaning forward and kissing her softly on the cheek. "You need them _now_, Liv." He whispered. "Being in this much pain, it could trigger a miscarriage, and I know you don't want to lose them." He rubbed her hand gently, "I'm going to call for the nurse…okay?"

She gave a reluctant nod, tears streaming down her cheeks.

**_February 13, 2015 11:45 AM_**

Olivia had been in and out of sleep for hours. Elliot walked into her room, a cup of coffee from the cafeteria in his hand and sat down in the chair by her bed. Since she'd been awake long enough to talk to him, he was convinced she was going to recover, but it was going to be a long and agonizing process. She was in excruciating pain, and she was convinced the babies were in danger if she took more pain medication, so her medical team had agreed to give her less and it wasn't working well enough. Even now, while she slept her face was contorted and pale. She was going to be in pain for a long time, and coupled with the pregnancy discomfort as well, her misery was inevitable. She needed someone to help her through it. She needed him, and for the first time in a long time he actually believed she realized that as well. She'd called the twins _our babies_, and she'd let him help her through the pain. It was something he'd dreamed of ever since she told him about the pregnancy…if he was honest with himself, it was something he'd dreamed of even before that…and now that he had the chance to get what he wanted, he was going to ruin everything and she'd never forgive him. He wouldn't blame her either. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

He sipped his coffee, making a face at the bitter, lukewarm liquid in the cup. Sitting there in a hospital room, drinking bad coffee while he waited at someone's bedside, reminded him of all the time he'd been with Eli during his cancer treatments, and suddenly he realized he was supposed to pick his son up from school in a few hours. He'd called Kathy the night before, prior to calling Olivia, and he told her the news they'd been dreading for a while. He was supposed to come break the news to Eli the night before and then pick him up from school and spend the weekend with him, but in the midst of everything with Olivia he'd forgotten about it. He didn't want to let his son down, but he couldn't leave Olivia now. He pulled out his phone, dialing Kathy's number and waiting for his ex-wife to answer. She finally did, her voice irritated, "Elliot…" she sighed. "I thought you were coming by to see Eli last night?"

"I'm so sorry…" he answered, trying to keep his voice down as he walked to the doorway. He didn't want to wake Olivia, but he didn't want to leave her either, in case she woke up and needed him. He'd already been gone a few minutes to go get coffee…and in his mind a few minutes were too many.

"Sure you are," she sputtered. "Where the hell are you anyway…and don't tell me you were with her all night. You promised him…"

"Kath…listen…" he tried to explain. "I'm at the hospital with Olivia…"

Before he could continue she interrupted, "The hospital?" she asked. "Why? Did she lose the twins?" He knew what she was thinking. If Olivia lost the babies, they were going to lose Eli.

"No…" he assured her. "The babies are okay. She was shot…on duty last night…"

"She was shot?" Kathy asked. "Why the hell was she out on duty? She's pregnant…"

"I know…and she knows…we're not going there now," he insisted.

"If she loses those babies…" Kathy sighed. "We're gonna lose Eli…"

Elliot closed his eyes. He knew what she was saying was true, but he was worried about Olivia…about his unborn children…and making this about Eli wasn't fair to them. Even so, it didn't stop him from having those same feelings. "Kathy, please…I swear the twins are fine. Olivia is the one I'm worried about right now. She's hurt…she's in pain…she won't take the painkillers she needs because she's afraid of harming the babies…"

"Painkillers can damage the placenta," Kathy told him. "She's right…it wouldn't be good for them, and even if they are okay, it could make it harder to get the cord blood and we're already facing a losing battle with that because there are two babies. Elliot…I'm not saying I don't care about her or the pain she's in, but she's our only hope for Eli. I'm afraid…"

"I need to stay with her," he sighed. "Can you pick of Eli from school? Tell him I'm sorry…"

"Sure," she agreed. "I'll tell him you are leaving. I know you wanted to, but he needs to know. Are you going to come see him before you leave?"

"I don't know if I can," he admitted, thinking back to the news he hadn't given Olivia before all this happened. He wasn't sure how to face it now.

"Did you tell her?" Kathy asked and she knew from the silence on the line that he hadn't. "Elliot…you have to tell her."

"I know…" he mumbled. "I don't want to leave her now…and I have no choice…"

**_February 13, 2015 12:30 PM_**

"El…" Olivia's voice was nothing more than a whisper and her eyes fluttered open and closed. Elliot stood up, looking at her and wondering if she was finally waking up, or if this was one of those moments of restless sleep where she called out for him and then dozed back off.

"I'm here," he told her, brushing her hair back from her face as she opened her eyes and looked at him. He smiled, happy to see her awake, and trying to put her at ease. "How do you feel? Do you need anything?" She shook her head slowly, crying out at the agony of such a slight movement. "Just lay still…" he said.

"I want to see my son," she whispered. "Please…can I see him? Can they bring Noah up here?"

"I think so," he told her. "I'll ask, okay?" and she nodded. "Are you hungry? They told me to buzz when you woke up so they could bring your lunch."

"I'm not hungry," she insisted. "I feel sick…"

"I know you do," he said gently. "But the babies need you to eat. Can you try?"

She nodded slowly and he pushed the buzzer, waiting for the nurse to come in. She walked in a few minutes later and checked Olivia's vital signs and adjusted her bed to a sitting position, telling them her lunch would be there shortly. Then she left them alone and Elliot watched as Olivia stared into the distance, not really wanting to talk to him. She was scared, overwhelmed, and he wanted to help, but he didn't know how.

Someone brought her tray in, sitting it in front of her and she looked at it with disgust. "Just try a little…" he coaxed her, but he knew she'd never keep it down. Looking at the disgusting mess they were trying to pass off as food was making him sick to his stomach, so he could only imagine how bad she felt.

She picked up her spoon, fumbling with it in her left hand and dipped it in the mashed potatoes and gravy, dripping some of the gravy on the bed as she raised it to her lips. "Of course I had to lose use of my right arm," she groaned, taking a bite and forcing herself to swallow it. "I don't want to eat this…I know I need to eat for them…"

"It's okay," he sat the tray on the side table and opened the container of milk handing it to her, "Try to drink this…"

She agreed, taking it and sipping it slowly. "Elliot…" she said, handing the milk container to him and watching him sit it with her tray. "Can you hand me the dinner roll? I'll try that." He reached over, handing it to her and watched as she bit into it slowly, grimacing when the food hit her mouth. He was scared she might throw it up, but she just closed her eyes, exhaling slowly and forcing bite after bite until it was gone, despite the ghostly white look of sickness on her face.

"You okay?" he asked with concern. "Do you need to throw up?"

She shook her head weakly, "I'll be all right. When can I go home?"

"I don't know," he told her. "When your pain is under control….and they're sure you won't develop a blood clot or anything...when you can eat without getting sick. A week…maybe less. You were lucky, Liv. This could've been so much worse."

"I know," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "I messed up…I'm a terrible mother…"

"No…you're a wonderful mother," he insisted. "All you did was go out on a case that shouldn't have been dangerous at all. It could've happened to anyone."

"I shouldn't have gone," she cried. "I love them…and I didn't protect them…"

"Liv…you did protect them," he promised. "You still are. I know how much you're hurting, and you are enduring the pain so you don't have to take more meds. You are forcing yourself to try to eat when you feel sick."

Her face quivered and she nervously bit her lip, "When I saw them…yesterday at the ultrasound…they look like little people now, El."

"I know they do," he smiled. "I saw them today, remember? They're beautiful…"

"Are you still mad at me?" she asked. "Mad that I found out one of them is a boy without asking you first?"

"I wasn't mad," he promised her. "I was just…surprised. I thought I'd be there…" he smiled, putting his hand softly on her stomach, "I can't wait to meet our little boy…and his brother or sister."

She forced a smile, putting her hand on top of his, "I think Noah will like having a little brother." She laughed slightly, "Or two little brothers…or a brother and a sister…."

Elliot laughed, "We need to find out the sex of this other baby."

She smiled, "The kid was completely uncooperative."

"It's a girl…" he teased. "Women never cooperate."

"Ha ha…" she faked a laugh, but then gasped a little, the pain in her shoulder coming back full force and she tried to breathe through it.

"You're gonna be okay," he squeezed her hand and tried to reassure her. "I'll get the nurse…"

"Please…Elliot…" she cried. "I can't keep taking those meds. It's not fair to them."

"I promise…they will be fine," he tried to sound sincere, but he was worried too. There was a possibility of side-effects for the babies and Kathy was right, it could keep them from getting the cord blood. He had to push that thought out of his mind though, because right now, his focus had to be Olivia.

"Let's just give it a while," she pleaded. "I think I'm okay for now."

"You're not okay," he argued. "But if you want to give it time, we can." He watched her bite her lip in agony and knew he had to get her mind off of the pain. "Let's think of a name for our baby boy," he suggested.

"Okay…" she gave in, wanting to take her mind off the pain. "Tell me some names…"

"Michael?" he suggested, but she shook her head no. "Caleb?" he asked, but her response with the same. "Oliver…after his mommy?" he smiled and she laughed.

"No…" she argued. "I'm not in the mood to pick his name…I need to know if the other one is a boy or girl first. I know it shouldn't matter…"

"No, it's okay," Elliot said. "I understand."

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked, squeezing his hand tighter as her shoulder pain intensified.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, wondering if the pain was getting to be too much. He hadn't said anything about needing to talk.

"Last night," she said, letting out her deep breath and relaxing a little. "You said you needed to talk to me. That's why we were going to dinner."

He nodded sadly, "Don't worry about that right now. You need to focus on feeling better…"

"El…" she looked tearfully at him. "Just tell me. What's wrong? I can take it. I'm already as miserable as is humanly possible, so whatever you have to say isn't going to make it worse."

"Liv…" he sighed,

"Just tell me…" she insisted. "I want to know."

"Okay…" he sighed, sitting next to her and taking a deep breath. "Remember the assignment I've been on for the last two weeks…" she nodded, her eyes full of tears. She knew he was going to tell her something she didn't want to hear. "Well…Liv…I've had to take a lot of time off work…because of Eli and his treatments…and they've been really good about letting me…but…" he paused, trying to find the right words.

"But what?" she asked. "Did you lose your job? Because of being gone…they can't do that…you can take family leave when your child is sick…"

"No…no honey…" he looked heartbroken and suddenly she was even more worried. He'd called her _honey_, which was never a good sign. "I took a lot of time off, and now that Eli is doing better, I have to make that time up…"

"Okay…" she was confused.

"That assignment I was on," he told her. "It's turned into something pretty big…it's not over, Liv. They let me come home this weekend…to get my affairs in order…"

"Your affairs?" she asked, realization hitting her. He was a Fed now…and he was at their mercy. He was leaving her…"How long?" she asked.

He shrugged, "Probably two or three months…I knew this was coming. I mean, I've been off work so long that I have to make up that time, but God, Liv…I'm sorry. If I could, I'd stay, but they won't understand this."

"Because I'm not your family…" she said knowingly, tears falling down her cheeks. "I know…"

"You _are_ my family," he told her. "I love you."

"But in the eyes of the law…" she nodded, "I'm not…the twins aren't…I get it. It's not your fault."

"I didn't want to leave you before," he said sadly. "And now…God, I don't know what to do. I'll see what they say, but I'm supposed to be leaving Monday morning…I started this case and I feel like I have to finish it or jeopardize the whole damn thing."

"You have to go," she insisted. "I understand. I do…I'm not mad."

"I know you're not mad," he said gently. "But you need me…and I don't want to leave…"

"But you have to," she nodded, exhaling slowly through the pain. "El…really…I'll be fine, the twins will be fine…"

"You won't be able to reach me," he sighed. "And I'll be worried sick the next couple of months."

"I'll be worried about you too," she admitted. "Being undercover…God, I hate thinking of you in that situation and I'm going to go crazy not hearing from you. Those two weeks were awful…"

"They were?" he asked, "I'm sorry. I thought you might appreciate the break from me."

She sighed, "I thought I might too…but I missed you." She said reluctantly. "El…I'm sorry I haven't let you be involved more. I really am."

"It's okay," he said sadly. "I'm sorry I have to leave now…when you really need me to be involved more. I want to be here for you…to help you recover…"

"Think of it this way…" she forced a smile, "Maybe I'll be all better by the time you get back."

"I hope so," he smiled sadly. "I'm sure you'll be good as new."

"And I'll be so fat," she groaned. "Two or three months…I'm gonna be a cow by then."

He laughed a little, "No you won't. You'll be beautiful…like always." He rubbed his hand carefully over her stomach, "There will just be a little more of you for me to love." He winked and she laughed.

"El…" she sighed, "Can you go get Noah for me? Please…I need to see my baby."

"I'll call Nick and ask him to bring him," he said.

"No…can you go get him?" she asked. "Give Nick a little break. I'm gonna have to depend on Nick and Fin and Lucy a lot in the next few months, and I want to give them a break if I can."

"I don't want to leave you alone," he said.

"I'm okay," she promised. "I'll take a nap until you get back. I'll ask the nurse for my pain meds. Okay?"

"Are you sure?" he asked, and she nodded. He leaned forward, kissing her on the forehead and sighed, "All right…you get some sleep. I'll go get the baby."

She watched him walk out of the room and closed her eyes, letting her tears fall. It wasn't her shoulder that was causing her pain though, it was the ache in her heart. She was all alone, and she'd wanted that all along, so she had no reason to be hurt. She put her hand on her stomach, "You two are going to be fine," she promised the babies. "Mommy is going to make sure of it." And she hoped Elliot would be fine too. She didn't know what this undercover assignment was, but all she could think was that he might not come back to her. She'd been shot taking a victim home in what should have been a routine night at work. He was going undercover for the FBI, on a secret mission that was bound to be more dangerous than anything she did on a daily basis. For the first time she wondered if they both needed to find something new to do with their lives. She ran her hand over the swell of her stomach once more, "Your daddy's gonna be okay too. He'll be careful…he wants to come back for you…he loves you…" she cried, "_He loves us_…"

**More to come...hopefully soon...**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey all...thanks so much for the amazing reviews. I am glad so many are reading and liking this. To the "guest" who said this was unrealistic and needed more of a storyline...well I hate to break it to you, but this chapter is probably even less realistic, but it does add to the storyline. :) I decided to just be creative and go with something I'd been considering doing and steer away from the roadmap I originally had for this, because this idea came to me...and then was mentioned in the reviews a couple of times...so I thought ****_what the hell?_**** Just go with it. So I did. I never do that...seriously ****_never_****...but I figured it was time I let a story just go wherever the heck it wants to go and just stick around for the crazy ride. Enjoy!**

**_February 13, 2015 2:45 PM_**

Olivia opened her eyes, the room was dark because the blinds were pulled, but she could see the sun seeping through. She squinted her eyes, trying to make out the time on the old analog clock on the wall, but without her glasses she couldn't figure it out. Elliot should have been back by now, she was sure of it. She started to worry, but then she heard him, his voice echoing from near the hall and she turned her head slightly, trying to see him, but all she could see was Noah, sitting in his bouncy walker seat near Elliot's legs and chewing on a graham cracker. Seeing her son was enough to bring tears to her eyes. She wanted to sit up, grab their attention, but she was in too much pain and Elliot was on the phone, so she stayed still and stared at her baby son.

"No…" she heard him say. "I need to stay in New York. It's an emergency." She assumed he was calling to try to get out of his assignment, but she knew in her heart it wouldn't work. "You don't understand…" he said again. "No, we're not married…but the babies are mine…" he sighed, "I don't have proof…I just know. No…" he argued. "This is already a high risk pregnancy…we are not doing that…No…" he insisted again. "Please…" he pleaded, his voice shaking in a way she'd rarely heard and she hated hearing him beg someone for the chance to stay with her. She'd be okay on her own…of course she would. She was used to it. She could do it. "Yes…I understand…" his voice was defeated. "Monday…I know…goodbye…" he clicked off the phone and knelt down to pick up Noah. "Hey little one," he sighed. "Let's see if Mommy wakes up if you give her a kiss."

"I'm awake…" Olivia said gently, and he walked over to her bed and smiled.

"You feeling okay?" he asked. "Do you need anything?"

"My baby…" she said tearfully, reaching out and stroking Noah's chubby little fist.

"Mama…" he said in his chipper little voice and she smiled at him.

"I missed you…" she cried. She looked at Elliot, "Can you raise my bed? I want to hold him…"

"Liv…I'll raise the bed, but you can't hold him," he shifted the baby in his arms and reached down to push the button and she noticed the bandage around his hand for the first time.

"El…what happened?" she asked. "To your hand? Was it like that earlier?"

He nodded, "You were too out of it to notice, plus I kind of tried to hide it. I had a fistfight with a soda machine earlier…I'm fine…"

"What?" she asked, relieved to be sitting but feeling dizzy. "El…why the hell…"

"I was mad…I was worried…" he admitted. "I was stupid. It was just a few stitches and some bruising. I'm fine. I promise." He sat in the chair, Noah in his lap.

"Let me hold him," Olivia pleaded as the baby reached for her, his face red with angry tears that were about to form. "Please, El…I just need him close."

"Liv..." he was going to argue, but he knew he'd never win. "Let me sit him by you. We can't have him near your right arm or shoulder." He carefully situated Noah on the bed, resting in the crook of her left arm and the baby babbled and giggled, happily. "God…he loves his mommy." He couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face watching Olivia, who was obviously in agony, taking the time to care for and love on her child. "I can't wait…" he whispered, without even realizing it.

"For what?" she asked, and the confusion on his face made her laugh, "You can't wait for what?"

He shook his head, "For our babies…seeing you hold them…" he smiled. "I keep thinking about what they might look like. All my kids look like Kathy…I must not have very strong genes…"

She laughed and shook her head, "I think Dickie looks like you." She tried to move a little to relieve the kink in her back, and cringed at the pain in her shoulder.

"Do you need me to take him?" Elliot asked quickly, but she refused to hand her son over to him. He nodded, "Liv…the twins…I hope they look like you. I can just picture how adorable they are going to be."

"You're being too sweet to me," she teased. "Besides…maybe I want them to look like you." Then she looked seriously at him, "Who were you talking to on the phone?"

He sighed, "My boss…I tried Liv…I have to go…"

She nodded solemnly, "I know…"

"He said I've never mentioned you…or said anything about being in a relationship…I have no proof the babies are mine," he said. "I'm sorry. He said if we did a DNA test, I could stay, but I don't want to put you or the babies through that. It could trigger a miscarriage with everything else going on."

"It's okay Elliot," she assured him. "You go…and we'll be fine. These are your babies…no matter what the federal government thinks. We'll be waiting for you when you get back."

"If we were married…" he said gently. "Then I could stay."

She laughed, "Well…then I guess you're going." Noah had fallen asleep next to her and as much as she wanted to hold him, the pain was becoming unbearable. "Can you take him now?" she asked, exhaling slowly.

"Yeah, I got him," he leaned over, carefully picking up the sleeping child and cradling him in his arms. He sat back in the chair, gently swaying the baby back and forth, "Do you need me to get the nurse?" he asked.

She shook her head, "No…" she watched him hold her son, rocking him gently and she realized how much love she had for both of them. Elliot stoked Noah's cheek and kissed him softly, and Olivia felt her heart skip a beat. All of the sudden, something was different, something she never expected. She felt dizzy and weak and it wasn't because of her bullet wound or the pregnancy…it was because her heart was bursting with a love she hadn't felt since before Elliot left her, a love that she possibly hadn't even felt then.

"He's a good baby," Elliot looked up and smiled at her. "We can only hope the twins are as good. It's gonna be chaos when they arrive," he laughed, but then he saw the seriousness on her face and he was worried, "Olivia…are you okay?" she didn't answer him, and he stood up, "I'm gonna get the nurse," he said.

"No…El…I'm okay," she forced herself to speak.

"You don't look okay," he said with concern. "If you don't feel right…we need to have it checked out. Maybe your blood pressure is too low or you're losing blood again…you look so pale…"

"I feel fine," she promised. "I just…" she felt the tears slide down her cheeks and she couldn't stop them. "I don't want you to go…on the assignment…I don't want you to leave me…I need you…Noah loves you…"

"Oh, Liv," he put the baby down on the end of her bed, making sure he was safe from falling and then he stroked her cheek, wiping away her tears. "I want to be here…I wish I could…"

"I know you do," she sobbed. "I just…I'm scared…and I don't want you to go…"

"I have to go," he told her. "I…I don't know what you want me to do…do you want me to quit my job? I don't know if I can do that…"

She cried, and he held her as well as he could without hurting her. "I don't want you to quit…" she insisted. "I know you need the job…I just want to be with you…"

"There's nothing I can do," he said, his heart breaking. He knew she was in pain, sick, and on top of that her hormones were out of whack. He hoped this would pass, but he had the awful feeling it wouldn't. In all the years he'd known her, he had never seen her like this.

"El…" she cried. "I need you…please don't go…I'm scared…"

"Liv, honey…oh God…" he shook his head in defeat. There was no way to make this better. "Liv, I don't want to, but they won't let me stay…there's no way…"

"I want to get married," she blurted out and he looked at her in disbelief.

"_What_?" he asked. "Liv…you've got to be kidding me…"

"You don't want to?" she asked sadly. "I thought…you said if we were married you could stay…I thought you wanted to…"

"No…it's not that…" he assured her, "But I don't think _you_ want to. Liv, a couple of weeks ago, you weren't even sure you wanted me to be the father of these babies. Now you want to be my wife?"

"I love you," she cried. "And I can't lose you…"

"You are not going to lose me," he promised her.

"You don't know that," she sobbed. "I almost died…on a routine night. You are going on some crazy case I don't even know anything about…for months…you might not come back…and you already left me once…"

"Oh God, Olivia," he cried. "I'm coming back. I swear…don't be scared for me. I'm not leaving for good."

"I need you," she admitted. "I can't do this by myself…I thought I could, and I can't…you can't go…"

"Liv…I don't think getting married is the answer," he said, and the words broke his heart. He wanted to marry her more than anything, but he didn't want to jump into something she'd regret.

"I thought you loved me," she said sadly.

"I do," he insisted. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. And I love Noah…and I love our baby boy…and our baby surprise…" he forced a smile. "And I want to get married…when the time is right. When you aren't saying you want it because you're afraid."

"I'm saying it because I didn't realize I wanted it before now," she sputtered. "I want to do this. I want to get married. I need to…"

"Liv…" he was running out of arguments and he knew it.

"Just listen," she sighed. "We can do it so you don't have to leave Monday…and we can take things slow after that. We don't have to rush the marriage…just have it on paper…and then let things progress from there. Please…will you marry me?"

"I never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth," he sighed. "Me…getting a proposal from Olivia Benson? Liv…are you sure?" She nodded, and he exhaled slowly. "Okay…let's do this. We'll get married." He looked at the clock and clicked his tongue thinking. "I don't know how we'll get the license in time, we both have to sign for it…and we have to find someone to marry us here at the hospital."

"I know some people," she said honestly. "I can get someone from the city clerk's office to come here to issue the license…and the law says we can't get married for 24 hours after…"

"So, Sunday?" he asked. "For the wedding?"

"I want to do it tomorrow…" she said quickly, "If we get someone here to issue the license by five, we can do it tomorrow night…I can get a judge to come here and marry us…"

"Tomorrow night?" he asked. "Why not just wait until Sunday?"

"Because," she smiled a truly genuine smile. "Tomorrow is Valentine's Day."

He laughed, leaning forward and kissing her softly on the lips, but she pulled away and he looked confused, "What? Don't tell me you're gonna be sick, because the last time I kissed you, you barfed."

She smiled and shook her head, "I won't puke…I promise…Its just…we haven't really done this before. The kissing…"

"We're getting married," he reminded her. "I have the right to kiss my fiancée, don't I?"

"Yeah…" she smiled. "Of course you do…I'm just nervous…God…why the hell am I nervous? It's not like…"

"Shhhh…." He put his finger to his lips as he interrupted her. "I think we need to practice…so you'll be more comfortable…less nervous…" He pressed his lips against hers and let the kiss linger as long as he could. When he pulled away from the kiss, he brushed his finger along her cheek and stared into her eyes, "I guess if we're gonna get this wedding planned, we better start making some phone calls…"

**_February 13, 2015 4:50PM_**

"What the hell do you mean she's getting _married_?" Amanda Rollins asked as the walked down the long corridor toward Olivia's hospital room. "Married…like man and wife, here comes the bride…all that shit?"

"I don't know," Nick admitted, looking at her and shaking his head. "She called, asked me to bring her glasses up here because she can't see to read her marriage license, and told me she's marrying Stabler…that's all I know…"

"She won't marry that asshole," Amanda insisted. "She has to be doped up on painkillers or have ahead injury or something. Liv wouldn't just decide on the spur of the moment to marry the man that hurt her so much."

"I don't like it anymore than you do," Nick admitted, "But she sounded completely serious and in her right mind on the phone. I think she wants this…" They reached the door, just as a man in a suit pushed it open and walked quickly past them, and Nick peeked around the door, seeing Olivia propped up in bed and Elliot sitting next to her with Noah in his arms. "This a bad time?" he asked.

Olivia shook her head slowly, "No…come on in," and Nick and Amanda walked over to her bedside.

Nick handed her glasses to her and put a stack of magazine on her nightstand, "Here you go…" he laughed, "So you can see again…"

"They won't let me wear my contacts up here," she said, putting on her glasses and looking up at him. "That was the guy with the marriage license who just left. I couldn't even read the paper…Elliot had to read it to me, and I signed it with my left hand so it's pretty much illegible…I'll be lucky if it's even legal at this point," she teased and Nick laughed.

"So…you're getting married?" he asked, looking from her to Elliot and back to her. "This seemed to come out of nowhere."

"I know," Olivia said gently. She knew Nick didn't like Elliot much and the feeling was mutual, but she hoped the two would at least try to get along. "But we want to…it's the right thing…for all of us."

"Are you sure?" Amanda asked, her face shadowed with confusion. "It seems so rushed. You could wait."

"No…we can't…and we want to do this now," she looked at Elliot and forced a smile, "Right? We want this?"

"Of course we do," he stood up, leaning forward and kissing her, trying to prove to himself that he was right. He hated to agree with Nick and Amanda that they were rushing into something they might not be ready for. He did want to marry her…he just didn't want her to wake up a week or a month or a year from now a regret the decision and he wasn't sure she was thinking clearly about things now.

"El…" she reached her good hand up and touched his cheek, "Your face? What the hell happened?"

He was taken back by her shock. "Liv…what are you taking about?"

"You're all black and blue…" she whispered. "I guess I couldn't see it before, without my glasses…but you're all bruised up. Your nose…it's so swollen…did you get hurt?"

"Liv, I told you when you asked about my hand…I had a little scuffle and I'm fine," Elliot sighed. He wasn't sure himself how bad his face looked because he hadn't looked in a mirror in hours.

"You said you punched a soda machine," she reminded him. "You trying to tell me the machine punched you back? What the hell happened?"

"Liv…don't worry about it," he sighed, knowing she'd be mad if she knew the truth.

"He got into it with Fin," Nick said seriously. He wasn't going to let Elliot lie to her, brush his violent outburst under the rug, and marry her like nothing had happened. "Walked in and tried to punch me, but I pushed his ass back down and then he went after Fin…"

"_What_?" Olivia's eyes widened. "El…no…"

Elliot scowled at Nick….the little weasel was trying to tear them apart and he knew it. "Liv…I'm sorry. I was upset…I was scared you might not make it…_they_ didn't protect you…"

"So you decided to handle it with your fists instead of finding out what was actually happening," she shook her head in anger. "_Typical_…damn you Elliot…"

"Fin's fine," he told her. "And he got some good shots in too…you can see that by looking at my face…" he forced a smile, trying to calm her down and was relieved that it seemed to work. "I'm sorry…I really am…"

"I know you are," she sighed, closing her eyes and resting her hand on her stomach. "But you can't keep doing these things…you have to get your temper under control Elliot. I can't go through life afraid of what you're going to do to some perp or apparently one of our friends…just because you don't like something that happened…we have children to think about…"

"I know that," he insisted. "And I would never hurt our kids…"

"I never thought you would," she said, taking his hand and holding it tight. "But I want them to learn to be strong and kind and loving from their daddy…not how to be a hothead with a temper…"

He smiled, "Okay," leaning forward and kissing her softly on the lips.

Nick and Amanda watched in disbelief. They'd never seen Olivia give in to someone so easily, let someone convince her with so little conflict or fight. She loved him…she was in love with him…in a way they'd not seen before and it was uncomfortable to watch, yet felt right. "Liv…we're gonna go…" Nick said, and she looked up at him. "Do you need me to watch Noah tonight?" he asked.

"Uhm…" she looked at her son, his head resting on Elliot's shoulder, and she knew he'd be hungry soon. It was almost his dinner time. "Do you mind?" she asked. "I don't want to impose on you if you have other things to do…"

"Nah…I love spending time with the little guy," he reached out and Elliot handed the baby over reluctantly. Noah smiled and giggled, "You love Uncle Nick…don't you little man?" He glanced back at Olivia, "You rest up tonight…"

"I will," she whispered, staring at her son while tears filled her eyes. She missed him already.

Elliot ran his fingers through Noah's unruly hair and grinned at the little boy, "You be good tonight," he said. "I'll come get you in the morning…" he looked at Nick and tried to give a serious smile, "Thanks…for helping…I know we have our issues, but it means a lot…"

"I'm not doing it for you…" Nick sputtered, grabbing Noah's diaper bag and handing it to Amanda as they walked toward the door. He turned, "Liv…you can call me if you need anything. You know that…"

"I know Nick," she sighed, "Thanks. I'll call tonight to say goodnight to Noah." She watched them leave, waving weakly at her son as he stared back at her, and them brushed away the tears sliding down her cheeks while Elliot perched himself on the side of her bed.

"He hates me," he said knowingly.

"Can you blame him?" she asked seriously, looking at him with a look of both anger and sadness. "Elliot…you're not even trying to get along with them. I know you have this ridiculous belief that you were put on this earth to protect me…but you've always taken that macho, self-righteous, overprotective attitude of yours too far. Fin…Nick…God, even Amanda…they were here for me, when you weren't. They would never let something happen to me on purpose…and you need to accept that and respect that…because I won't let you treat my friends that way anymore…"

"Liv, I didn't mean…" he began but she interrupted him.

"I don't want to hear it," she said seriously. "If this is going to work…me and you…you can't expect to be the only person who means anything to me anymore. It's always been that way…and no matter how much I love you…I have the right to care about other people too. You can't be the only person in my life anymore, because I let that happen before, and when you left, I wanted to die. I don't ever want to feel like that again…"

"I'm sorry…" he whispered, her words cutting like a knife. "I never meant to make you feel like that. Really…I never did."

She nodded knowingly, "Okay…" she whispered sadly, and then changed the subject. "Can you find out when my dinner will be here?" she asked.

He smiled, "Yeah, are you finally hungry?" he put his hand on the swell of her stomach and rubbed gently.

"No…" she admitted. "But I think they are. I feel lightheaded…like I need to eat something or I might pass out."

"Lay back and close your eyes," he insisted, helping her lower the bed a little and putting a damp cloth on her forehead. "You rest, and I'll check on your dinner."

"And can you ask the nurse for my painkillers?" she said, her voice shaking and weak. "I don't think I can put it off anymore. I hurt so much…"

"Oh Liv, you should've said something," he brushed back her hair and watched her bite her lip in pain.

"I'm trying to go as long as possible," she said, exhaling slowly. "But I need them now, so ask..please?"

"I will…right now," he stood up and watched her face contort in pain and he wondered why he hadn't noticed how miserable she was before she took the step to tell him. He should have known. He should have done something.

"And El…" she whispered. "After that…go home for a while. Just go see Eli or something. I need some time alone…"

"Are you sure?" he asked, but he knew what her answer would be. She nodded, too tired and pained to speak and he sighed, "Okay…" he agreed. "I'll give you some time…"

**_February 13, 2015 7:00 PM_**

Elliot pulled up in front of the house in Queens, but he didn't get out of the car. He just sat there, thinking. He'd left Olivia sleeping soundly at the hospital, but he hadn't wanted to. No matter how many doctors and nurses were there to treat her, he couldn't shake the feeling that none of them could care for her the way he could, and in his heart he knew this was the mentality that Olivia wanted him to give up…to let her depend on others sometimes…to give her the freedom to accept help without feeling weak, and yet he couldn't break free from the overpowering desire to be the only one to be there for her. It was wrong, especially after all he'd put her through over the last four years, and yet it was still a hold over him and he couldn't break it.

She'd been given pain meds and dinner at the same time, in an attempt to control the usual nausea that accompanied both, but it had been a failed attempt. She picked at her chicken and pasta, finally giving in and forcing down the jello, and then promptly throwing it all up. "It's okay…" he'd tried to assure her as he cleaned up the mess and washed her face gently, but all she did was cry that she was embarrassed and tired and scared she wasn't giving the babies what they needed to thrive, and he was afraid too. It wasn't her fault of course, but that didn't mean there wasn't something to be concerned about. Her OBGYN had suggested she gain one to two pounds a week, and at this rate she'd be losing weight in no time. He made a mental note to talk to her doctor at the hospital about it in the morning, just before she'd insisted he leave and let her get some rest on her own. So he kissed her goodnight and told her he couldn't wait for their wedding day, the glimmer in her eyes when he said it not going unnoticed, and then she drove to Queens…where he sat in his care…not wanting to move.

He decided to call his boss, tell him the news that he was getting married and not leaving for his assignment on Monday. He knew it wouldn't go well…and he was right. He'd heard everything short of "you're fired" and he knew going back to work after the wedding would be no easy task. They'd give him all the jobs no one wanted, the things that left your soul aching for relief from reality, the things that were worse than anything he'd seen at SVU…and he'd have to go home at night and pretend like things were fine because he couldn't bring Olivia or the kids into the darkness of that world. He'd endure it for them…to keep his job and be able to provide the things they needed…and he'd get through it. The FBI wasn't all bad anyway, and he'd had a good run as an undercover agent, and maybe he'd end up back there in time, but for now he'd force himself to be happy with the everyday scum of the earth he'd be assigned to because he would have a beautiful wife and children to come home to at night, and that was the more important thing of the two.

"Daddy…" there was a tap on the window that startled him out of this thoughts and he put down his cell phone and looked at his son's smiling face peering through the window. He laughed, unable to resist Eli's grin and opened the car door, embracing the boy with a tight hug. "What're you doing here, Daddy?" Eli asked and Elliot walked with him to the house.

"Elliot…" Kathy looked surprised when he walked through the door. "I didn't think you were coming. How's Olivia doing?"

Elliot shrugged, "Okay…considering…" he sat down and Eli jumped in his lap and Elliot held the boy close.

"What happened to Olivia?" Eli asked and Elliot looked to Kathy who signaled she hadn't told the boy.

"She got hurt…" Elliot said and Eli looked frightened at him. "She was shot…but she's okay. She's going to get better."

"Are you sure?" Eli asked nervously.

"Yeah," Elliot nodded. "I'm sure." He hugged his son close and then sighed, "I have some other news…" Eli looked up at him and Kathy stared on with confusion. "Olivia and I…we're going to get married…"

"What?" Kathy asked. "You can't be serious."

"I thought she was just your friend, Daddy?" Eli asked. "You don't marry your friends…"

"She's not just a friend, Eli," Elliot said, more for Kathy's benefit than for his son's. "I love her…very much…and she's going to have the twins…and I love them…"

"And she's going to help me get better," Eli smiled.

"I hope so," Elliot's voice deflated as he let himself think for the first time in a long time about all the risk this shooting had put the pregnancy under and the very real chance that cord blood donation would be out of the picture for them. He couldn't tell Eli that though.

"Elliot…when do you plan to do this?" Kathy asked. "You're leaving in two days…"

"I'm not leaving," Elliot said. "I'm staying…we're getting married tomorrow…we already have the license…"

"Tomorrow?" Kathy sputtered. "Elliot…what the hell are you thinking? What is _she_ thinking? You two barely know each other anymore…and now you want to force her into this family…"

"_This_…is not my family," Elliot sputtered, his voice shaking. "The kids are my family…Olivia is my family…_you_ are not so you have no say in this…"

"Eli…go in the other room and watch TV," Kathy said, but the little boy stayed on his father's lap.

"Go on, Eli…" Elliot insisted. "I'll be in there in a minute." The boy reluctantly agreed, walking off and Elliot looked at Kathy, "Do not do this," he argued. "I don't care what you think. I can't leave her…"

"So you'll just marry her?" Kathy sighed. "That's your answer? I can't even believe she said yes when you asked her. Is she out of her fucking mind?"

"She asked me," he admitted and he saw Kathy's eyes widen. "She wants to get married…she needs me right now…it isn't right for me to leave her."

"She asked you?" Kathy asked in disbelief. "Wow…I just…you do realize she's not thinking clearly don't you? She's hurt…she's scared…"

"She loves me," Elliot insisted. "In spite of all of that…"

"Elliot…you are a _sperm donor_," Kathy reminded him. "You were never supposed to be the father of those babies. I think you and Olivia have both forgotten that. Those children were not conceived in love…they were created in some lab and now you think you have some obligation to them, but you don't."

"I don't care how they were conceived," Elliot argued. "They are my children and I love them…and I love their mother…and she's hurting…and I have to put her first…"

"You wouldn't be getting married if the shooting had never happened," Kathy reminded him. "You should think about that. Doing something stupid isn't going to change a tragedy into something better…" she sighed, "Is she really doing okay? Are you doing this because you think she won't make it?" she asked tearfully. "Or that she'll lose the babies…"

"She's doing fine," Elliot sighed. "I don't know…there's still a risk to the babies…a chance she could take a turn for the worse…but that's not why I'm marrying her. I love her…" he looked sadly at his ex-wife, knowing his words would hurt and wishing he could take away the sting, "I have always loved her…"

Kathy's face drained of color and even though she knew Elliot's partner had always been the love of his life, he'd never had the nerve to say it to her before. It hurt more than she expected it to. "You have to call the other kids…tell them…"

"I know…I will in a while," Elliot said, standing to his feet. "I'm gonna watch TV with Eli first."

"They won't want to come," Kathy said. "To your shotgun wedding…your family _won't_ be there. You do realize that don't you?"

"I know," Elliot said tearfully. He wanted his kids there more than anything, but he knew he had to get married regardless of whether or not they supported it. It would hurt, but hopefully in time they'd learn to accept it. Babies had a way of bringing everyone closer together, so maybe the twins would melt their hearts and they'd give up being so angry. He walked in and picked Eli up, sitting him on his lap while his little boy giggled at the cartoon on TV. "Hey…you wanna come to Daddy's wedding tomorrow…don't you?" he asked.

Eli looked at him, "Will there be cake there?" he asked with a grin.

Elliot laughed, "I don't know…we don't have time to plan anything fancy…but I'll buy you a cupcake from the hospital cafeteria, okay?"

"Okay, as long as it's chocolate…" Eli smiled and turned back to cartoon. Elliot stared at him, wishing a chocolate cupcake would be incentive enough to get his other kids on board. He kissed his son and tickled him, leaning back and closing his eyes while the cartoon blared in the background.

**More to come...**


End file.
